SherLin's Parking Space

Naive

2012-01-13T00:10:00.004+08:00

Today really stupid stupid let people use as stepping stone still innocently didn't realize.

Sigh. 天真.

I really don't know if this is a strength or a weakness.

I think I have this ability to be taken advantage of easily, and yet only choose to see the bright side of it.

It's something to do with how I'm capable of naively thinking that being needed or being useful is also a sort of importance in its kind.

No wonder it's so darn difficult to say 'No' to people. Even if it means having to forgo things of my own.

Yea. Definitely weakness.

Lee Sher Lin, please learn to be smarter!

In Time With You

2012-01-11T22:54:00.003+08:00

Fark.

Such a deja-vu watching this drama.

As real as I am. Even the most annoying traits are so very very me. -_-

Like watching a mirror of myself throughout the episodes. Scary.

Already on Episode 3 today, and I've said the exact things she said, thought the exact things she thought, did the exact things she did.

http://tw.sugoitw.com/in-time-with-you-episode-03-english-subbed/6/

Today's learnings :

"不喜欢麻烦别人，却老是找自己麻烦。

干吗要因为别人的恶意，而讨厌自己，否定自己?"

Really. Learn, Sher Lin, learn.

After Years

2012-01-08T22:01:00.004+08:00

When you've been in a long distance relationship for a very long time, there's bound to be a few characteristics you develop gradually.

For some reasons, for some very unintentional reasons that is.

Things like being protective, of not anything else, but yourself. Even if that means protecting yourself against the vulnerable self, when you're in a relationship.

More so when a relationship is not there with you, all the time.

That balance you have to strike from time to time, for switching between emotionally depending on someone, and not being able to emotionally depend on anyone but yourself.

So then you train yourself to be strong when you've had enough of the emotional roller coaster rides. And eventually, it somehow didn't seem like training anymore - it just became a habit. A habit that you've unknowingly adapt to very well, over the years. You didn't feel that much about the little hurtful occasions anymore - the little arguments, the little fights, the little silent treatments. But that comes with a price to pay - you didn't see the hints of happy little things either. You seem to have learnt how to cushion yourself against the worst that could happen, in a lot of things. You seem to always want yourself to be more equipped, so when shit happens, you didn't need to hurt that much. Because you hated how vulnerable you were in the past, and how helpless you've felt, how you couldn't live past yourself to disappoint the people who care about you & had to worry for you. So much so that you promised yourself 'no more next time'.

But all these didn't lead to healthy thinking.

I know my shoulders surely do feel heavier than they did years ago.

Such emotional baggage.

I didn't realize that I had built so much of a wall around me.

And that I lack faith.

So what happens now?

Best Christmas Ever!

2011-12-26T23:11:00.006+08:00

Title of post self-explanatory! :)

For once I'm finally feeling the goodness in the midst of this chaotic year.

Glad I'm ending the year with much anticipation & so much more to look forward to, in welcoming another brand new year (which is a rather rare positiveness for the longest time, LOL).

Sure, I've had that many twist of fates this year that there were undeniably times when I thought I'd be knocked down helpless & hopeless.

And then there were also times when I thought why things were a never-ending struggle for me.

But the fact that shit came with so much more good reasons, and they certainly taught me so much more than the other years that I've been through before.

I could never have been more grateful for how things turn out to be.

(p/s Dear me, sorry for putting you through so much of unnecessary stress throughout the months & for being negative most of the times - I could've told you that things will eventually turn out to be fine & save you that many unnecessary stress zits!)

I must say, I may not have the finest in life this year, but I do feel glad that I've had a year that's fulfilling at heart, not by material standards.

I may have also lost certain things this year, but I gained so much more to keep in life.

I may have been through a lot of bad times this year, but I learnt so much more from them to rebuild a renewed soul.

Alas, best christmas ever! :)

Seeking Solace

2011-11-29T21:10:00.003+08:00

Before, I'd always visited Tian Hou Gong with a purpose in mind.

To qiu qian.

To witness dear friends' ROM.

To take nice photos.

Today, I was there for solely one purpose.

And that is to seek solace.

To confess that I needed solace, and that I needed peace of heart.

I don't see myself as anywhere near religious.

But for some reasons today, it struck me loud & clear that I needed to be there.

Like of everything that's making me feel troubled, this was the only thing that stood out clearly.

Perhaps it was simply because I needed that positive & calming vibe or aura to enter me.

It took me this long to realize that this clogged & clouded mind has been expanding cumulatively.

Over the months. Over the years maybe.

And I'd fail to recognize this, let alone deal with it with much courage.

Was I in denial? I don't know.

But I do know this is not something I could just simply reach out & heal. Not just like that.

I wonder if mid-life crises that people actually go through, is of the same nature.

Have I been bottling up too much that it has become too overwhelming?

Or have I just been weak emotionally that I couldn't weather too much of breakdown phases?

I don't know.

But I do know that being self-contained in such periods have probably taken its toll on me.

That I've probably utilize my maximum quota of EQ to deal with things, and I haven't been allowing myself the time to recharge.

Believe it or not, this new realization has brought me to actually google up 'Depression' today and read up on symptoms of it.

It was a difficult acknowledgment - admitting that I could possibly be facing depression myself.

As if being anxious wasn't enough, I actually scored a high side of the listed symptoms.

Do you know how people always claim "If you're able to identify you're having depression, then you're not really in depression yet"?

Wrong.

For my realization was fortunately early.

I learnt today that there are generally three types of depression :

1. Non-melancholic depression - mainly caused by psychological factors, the most common type that affects one in four females, one is six males over their lifetime.

2. Melancholic depression - primarily caused by biological factors.

3. Psychotic depression - the most severe of all.

And I come to learn now how important "me" time always is...

How you should never deny yourself if there's a need to feel - to be angry, to be sad, to fret, to feel guilt.

How you should never deny yourself all these and get them over & done with. And then, move on - healthily, without the emotional baggage.

I now know that if this is left unattended, the magnitude of how it can amplify itself, is as harmless as it is of a crime itself.

I'm hoping, that positiveness can be regained.

Fingers crossed.

This Year, Thanksgiving Is Just A Noun

2011-11-21T22:30:00.003+08:00

As much as I refrain from writing here, it just has to come to a stage where it's increasingly difficult to stay positive.

I need an outlet to keep myself sane.

And yet the least I want to do, is to start whining to anyone. As if everyone else had no problems of their own to handle.

That - and also not knowing where this story should rightfully start.

"Just when you think things couldn't get any worse than it already is... "

I know I don't have the biggest problems in the world.

But in my world these days, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, it just proves it can...

So much that within a short period of time, I've developed such extreme behavioral patterns.

That my emotional development has shifted to a total different level, of something I've not known of.

I don't know what to make of it - if it's bad or good.

Just when Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and we should feel grateful for things.

Such a contrary.

A Worthy Toast

2011-10-11T21:35:00.003+08:00

Despite having shit thrown at me these past months, I've never felt as liberating as I have now.

For the least of it, I'm not living & ruled by the people who think they knew me better than I do.

For the virtues & values I believe in do not weigh any lesser than that of theirs.

For I've found a new definition to patience.

And I've rediscovered true friendships worth having.

All that stress & anxiety these has caused me - although undeniably unavoidable (I don't deny how much unnecessary stress these has caused me), that amount of strength & courage I found in me to take it right at my face - this strength, I never knew I had.

For I've redefined my abilities.

The abilities to reconnect with my inner self, and the abilities to make peace with myself.

The abilities to put myself up to the test, and be able to rise above that.

The abilities to challenge that sorta mindset and overcome that with positiveness.

This is a toast worth to self discovery :)

Women

2011-09-15T23:13:00.003+08:00

Have I mentioned how scary women can be?

And yes, despite me being a woman (or lady, or gal, watever), I full-on still think women are scary.

Let's not talk about the times they're vulnerable - times that you feel they're these fragile beings to be protected.

Instead, let's talk about the times when they're defensive. Or the times when their competition streak button is 'ON'. Now that - is when they can be as dangerous & complex as the spies in Infernal Affairs.

And to talk about the level of consciousness, the tact, the amount of caution you require, to handle women in situations like that. Practically have to channel 120% usage of brain consumption -_-

And did I mention how psycho-ed they can be when they have this revenge-intent-driven mindset at a subconscious level?

And also how they can have the best manipulating skills by appearing angel-innocent-like to most people yet at the same time be the most devilish demon at intended targets?

And how they're able to launch a massive chaos ranging from a cat-fight to a world war without even having to lift a finger?

Unfortunately enough, I'm experiencing hell with one right now.

Of Off Days

2011-09-02T02:52:00.002+08:00

How time flies.

Looking back weeks ago, I was excitedly counting down this merdeka-raya week long holiday... And today, it's only 2 days to the end of this week of no-work.

I wouldn't say I'm not looking forward to go back to work.

But I would wish for a longer holiday still, simply because I wish I had more time to run all my back-log errands, to tick off the to-do list that I've been accumulating for waaaaaaay too long. :(

The only unaccounted item was that I didn't foresee the continuous days of PH to actually equate to offices & shops being closed. So there goes my to-do list : still unchecked. Sigh...

Lesson learnt : Remember that if I had off days, it would mean that the offices would have their off days too.

My Sincere Prayer

2011-08-09T23:05:00.007+08:00

It's not until today, that I deeply feel how life is so capable of being dramatic to you and turn you helpless.

Simply put in the most cliche statement - life can be a bitch, and life can give you hell.

When I've been worrying about the most minuscule things in life, I came to know about the bigger world out there. I may have my weight on my shoulders, we've all had such weights, but you, my dearest friend, you're facing the biggest bite of reality in this dramatic order of the world. I felt so tiny knowing just how brave you are, facing this.

If only there was anything I could do to help you in this trying time.

I'm praying for you - for clarity of mind, and for strength at heart. This much I can do for you.

I sincerely hope you'd get through this. I know you won't give up, and I know you'd be standing face to face & you'd negotiate each and every such challenge to the last of your effort.

Know that I'll stand by you. Let's be tough & get through this. I know it won't be easy. I'll walk with you through this, I promise :)

Recognizing That Grey Space

2011-07-09T01:37:00.005+08:00

Somewhere along those lines, between the black & white, there's grey.

Grey was never a widely-known recognized area of fact.

For all of its existence, grey was almost always unjustified.

And grey was a space associated with denial.

I grew up recognizing blacks & whites in life, the areas we commonly know as right & wrong... but not the grey.

I also grew up being judgmental towards grey.

But today's one of those days where grey becomes one of the most neutral space I've ever known.

I know the world was judging my grey.

I also know, I could only satisfy that much of the world.

Picking Up

2011-07-04T22:28:00.004+08:00

I should be crowned the laziest blogger within the netizen world.

Can definitely win hands down.

Thank God I don't blog for a living. Will probably starve to death by now. -_-

And thank God even more that I don't blog to please.

I think I have a few good things to be grateful about these days.

I don't remember having that much interrupted sleeps anymore. Which means I probably am happier. (Either that, or I'm probably getting old & getting tired pretty easily, hmm!)

I think my wellness coaching consultant will be darn happy to know that I actually DO sleep before 11pm. How miraculously "well-balanced". LOL.

And yes, about that wellness coaching. Long story. But to cut it short, it was probably one of those experiences you would get by seeing a psychiatrist, or errm... counsellor? Yea, that sounded better - counsellor.

Not quite sure if it goes to show that big boss suspected I had super unhealthy lifestyle or worse... mental disorder/breakdown. Hence the white mouse specimen = me, to try out the sessions. -___-

Things have been looking up so far. Or it's just me having a slightly (like seriously, slightly) positive outlook. I hope this stays the same, if not better. :)

Pray

2011-06-15T21:37:00.002+08:00

I guess somewhere within that decision lies a piece of me that I've misplaced for a long time.

I hope I'll find myself sooner than later!

*pray for peace at heart and wishing myself all the best*

Back To Reality

2011-06-12T18:54:00.003+08:00

Ahh, back from Taiwan and not quite happy to come home :(

Wish I could stay longer... and I meant long term-ly longer - soul searching or work or take a short study course there or something...

It wasn't exactly running away, but this 5-days escape made me feel every bit less suffocated.

I wasn't overly excited or overly having that much fun... but for a while now until last week, I finally felt I was actually breathing. And I felt that weight off my shoulders. I was happier, and I haven't been happy in a long time.

Coming back to reality just reminds me of depressing stuffs, depressing thoughts.

If anything better to rejuvenate, I could do a long term vacation - away from here.

The Boy & His Sheep

2011-05-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

There's that story, of a boy who watches over his herd of sheep.

He told lies. And for that, he lost his sheep when the real wolf came.

He was given only two chances.

I gave so much more than that.

This story, though, ends differently.

Dear Blog

2011-04-28T02:41:00.002+08:00

Dear blog,

That die-hard pattern is slowly emerging.

Do you think this is a sign?

Wide awake at 3am now not knowing what I could do - that couldn't be good.

I'm that lost that I wish there's a manual to guide me on how to handle things like that.

This heart has seen through most things and yet, here I am, dazed, again.

Is this really really the one decision that I made wrong, to which is costing me so much.

Did I ask for this myself?

Counting Down!

2011-03-18T00:11:00.006+08:00

Oh, I realised even up 'til today, I have YET to blog about that trip back in 2010 to London.

And then there was also the trip to Chengdu & ZhangJiaJie.

I think the sensual memories are fading effectively now. Crap.

I now only have visual memories to offer you - Thank God for Facebook!

But I'm now, busily, hastily, excitedly, anxiously looking forward to the trip to Siem Reap.

Busily - because there's been a couple of deadlines & projects coming around. I don't know yet if I'm gonna leave for a holiday with a troubled, stressful heart.

Hastily - because for some reasons, I didn't think I had enough preparation whatsoever to conquer temples & endless fleet of stairs. I don't even have a bagpack for that matter. And mind you, four floors of upwards stair-climbing spontaneously made me catch for breath! How to climb, u tell me?

Excitedly - I'm going on a holiday, soon! duhh...

Anxiously - sigh, I'm not exactly anyone's fittest imagination of the word "adventurous", and all my travelling buddies ARE. :(

I'll go with one intention. And that is, to capture images so that I can upload an album onto Facebook and name the title "Siem Reap", which goes to say one destination down & checked in my list of to-go-places-before-I-die!

(Oh, and I think dying could be anytime u know, look at what the world is becoming. Reading Japan's news on the disasters after disasters just becomes really depressing these days. My prayers go out to them. :(( )

Untying That Knot

2011-03-15T01:57:00.000+08:00

I'm almost certain there isn't any reference, live guides or manuals that are tailored & catered to a relationship like mine.

I would've bet all the money in the world to assure that no one, at this stage, understands exactly what's it like to be in it, let alone say to us, "I know exactly how it feels"

This is a walk-alone journey. For me, and for him. That's tough. And it gets challenging all the more. From time to time. It also gets rather lonely when the going gets rough. That's how 'customized' this relationship is.

There isn't a word that exists yet (at least of a word I know that exists) that could sum up the equation of me + him.

And for this, it frustrates me mad at some point of time. For being that abnormal. And for some other time, it just, I dunno... beautifies the whole thing. Because for some reasons, we're actually composing an equation that's just, simply us. No standard couple rule. No standard relationship rule. Just us. Our rule.

For some very indescribable reasons today, I feel comforted that one big knot untied itself.

I wouldn't say relief was the right word. But I was reassured, that much I know, that I did make a right decision. And I hope it continues to prove me right.

Malfunctioning Brain Leading To Delayed Responses

2011-02-16T20:58:00.005+08:00

The title speaks for itself.

But then again, it isn't just recently. So to put things into perspective, I must've always had a malfunctioning brain since I was born. Grr.

I wish I was smart & fast enough to actually respond tactfully according to audience at a given time.

How I envy lawyers! No idea how they state their case so liberally almost instantly under such pressured circumstances in courts packed of crowds. And rowdy crowds at most times.

Sometimes I would only think of the proper things to respond to, in delayed response time frames ranging from 10mins to err, like 3 days later. Seriously. I have a handful of experiences like those.

I call it lack of defense.

If someone were to haul some sarcastic remarks at me, I swear I would only have thought of the right defense 3 days later. And I'd spent the day thinking to myself 'how stupid could I have been for not thinking of what I should supposedly say at that point of time'.

People take advantage of you for this, you know. Fail max. Sigh.

The Question You Ought To Ask

2011-02-09T18:46:00.003+08:00

This is getting consistent... blogging entries 2 days in a row... Hmm...

Have been trying to do some self discovery of late and toggled with a few thoughts that led me to thinking how un-ambitious I've always been.

Strike that off.

In fact, I haven't always known what was it that I liked doing, unless you're talking bout just shopping for fun without worrying bout credit. Now, that, is stating the apparent obvious.

But other than that, I don't quite know where my passion lies.

Disaster eh?

Know why this has come up? Coz I've been questioning my own existence in things I do/have.

At work. If I've been of any value in the years building up to today. Rather, was I just easily contented knowing things will sort themselves out. People, generally, see this as a lazy thought.

And embarrassingly, I'm starting to see that point. I must've been stuck in comfort zone for a while now.

At home. Other than the occasional readings and surfings and games, what else do I really do. As in REALLY do. None of those contributes to any of my knowledge gaining, or self building, or mind strengthening... you get the idea.

With family. Knowing I have a family who loves me is comforting. But knowing in time to come when support is needed and I can only contribute this much, is not something I take pride in. I wish I could be better, and I wish I was smarter.

With friends. With age, you'd eventually find a group of people you'd call friends for life. Quantity isn't the significance, quality is. I want to be able to have more time to reach out to these people and make it a point to stay in touch.

With the other half. The biggest portion of transformation could possibly be influenced from this segment of my life. Undeniably there should be credits going to him. I ain't necessarily the perfect match, my explosive ego isn't always necessarily easy to deal with. And I have this tinge of sensitivity that isn't necessarily easy to handle. There's this never-ending strike of balance I'll always have to learn, and I am still learning.

My oh my, it's 7.37pm and there's a continuous deafening thunderstorm out there.

Thank god I'm home and ain't on the way back. I'd be soaked & drenched wet, even with a mighty umbrella.

Going to stop right here and catch up some other time.

Of Hoi Gong Mm Gao Dai Kat

2011-02-08T22:27:00.003+08:00

A new blog template for a new bunny year. And the template doesn't even have anything bunny to start with -__-

It's chor 6 today, and there's no remaining CNY mood watsoever to dwell in.

Work has started yesterday for me, and to almost immediately kick-start my 'hoi gong dai kat' day, received news about my rating which really sucked. That - for so much time, effort spent and not forgetting, the relentless battle with the NATO colleagues.

It's almost as if I was given a sign that this is not the place to be anymore.

I wish I had a more generous heart to actually say 'I understand', but I guess there comes a falling edge to almost anything that happens in life.

Well, for the upside of those, I had always needed answers, and I think I had found them now.

And for all of you out there, here's wishing you a good bunny year ahead!

I'm hoping mine will be good too *fingers crossed*

Cynicalism

2011-01-23T01:34:00.005+08:00

For some reasons, today I've been brought on a journey that time-travels back through the years.

And to most parts, not so much of the past I would choose to want to remember.

I think it has to do with trust.

In cases like these, I find trust a luxury to have.

I know how trust should be built on a foundation of all mankind's relationships. Friendships and relationships alike.

But mankind as it is now, isn't quite trustworthy, is it?

I stubbornly cling to the thoughts that are divided into two.

The part where I knew I should've listened to my heart.

And the other part where I knew I should've listened to the majority, and majority excludes myself.

Could I've been though too much, so much that trust was stripped away from me?

I mean... It was my initial nature that I give unbounded trust to the people who mean to me. It was. No longer.

Hmm... looks like I've turned cynical hmm?

Blog Catch Up

2011-01-05T20:40:00.003+08:00

Hello blog.

I know. I've abandoned you to the back of my mind.

Readjusted my priorities and left you to dust.

I can't say I've missed you. For some reasons, I've learnt to express shorter brags on fb, hence the lack of words to talk to you about.

-_-

Btw, happy new year blog!

You've been kind to me throughout the past year.

And I've confided in you. Flooded you with miniscule thoughts.

We've sailed through 2010 together, and still came through alive!

You're still an active account, and I'm still not emotionally-dead!

And that - blog, is worth a toast! Cheers to 2010, and hello 2011!

Simplest Aspiration

2010-11-29T21:44:00.003+08:00

In the midst of all pursuit, I wanted to see if those very eyes could see past outer beauty for what they are inside.

I was wrong.

And then I knew we failed the test. That we both contributed to the failure.

That if I could make all that difference, I would.

That if I could be a better person, I would.

But before all that, I'd have to first be myself. To know who I really am.

And then... to trust myself. To love myself. To have faith in myself.

And then I can set out to charge again.

Not Necessarily The Right State Of Mind

2010-11-22T01:22:00.003+08:00

1.30am and I'm still wide awake.

I've got a dead tired body, dead tired brain, but here I am... wide awake.

I guess my insomnia is back for good.

You know... I haven't been fairing well in a lot of things in my life lately.

Every aspect of it seems to have gotten increasingly demanding.

Every aspect of it seems to increasingly require more of my attention and focus, require more of my time, require more of my energy.

And all I have to offer is a malfunctioning brain, a worn out heart, and a knocked out body.

I kinda feel I sort of had enough.

Maybe I'm just not fit for this kinda living.

Or maybe, just maybe, I've always been pampered and I'm proving myself to be incapable.

I'd even wondered if it's some sort of depression symptom seeping into me.

One wonders if that's even possible - for a young gal this age to have depression.

To so cynically finds life hopeless.

This so called persistent negativity - this isn't really me.

Or have I changed?

I don't know exactly, I can't tell.

All I know, is that I think I need some serious overhaul.

And that means, away from everything I have now.

Get Your Feet Measured!

2010-11-18T20:25:00.002+08:00

Oooh... guess what I found.

Here's a quick guide to know your shoe size once and for all.

Get a piece of A4 paper and draw a mark to indicate length between toe and heel.

Measure that length in cm and refer to the chart above.

And voila! Simple eh?

The Thing About Gatherings

2010-11-14T20:45:00.007+08:00

At this age, everything about gatherings are good.

The part where you meet family and friends and reconnect, 'cos you've been away from home too long.

The part where there are lots of good homecook dishes.

The part where you catch up on updates and newest gossips.

The only part where it's not good, is the dreadful question that you unavoidably have to answer.

'Cos there's always who who and whose daughter, whose son who's getting married soon.

And then goes, "When's your turn?"

Seriously.

Don't people have different questions to ask by now?

I mean, I'll tell you when the time comes, not to worry, just stop repeatedly asking me the same question each and everytime you see me lorrrr.....

Question-er not bored, answer-er also bored.

Seriously.

两颗心的距离

2010-11-02T22:41:00.004+08:00

好像好久都没发出内心的点点滴滴了。

不懂为什么，今天突然想起一句话，也深深的感触与体会到话中的意思。

两个人，如果离得在远，可是心却靠得很近，那距离就不成为距离。

相反的，如果两个人，住在同一间家，睡在同一张床，可是心却孤单的，那在亲密也是一种距离。

何润东 [He Run Dong] - 我記得我愛過

2010-10-03T22:35:00.001+08:00

This is actually quite a nice song lor... theme song for the drama Summer's Desire, haha

What I Realized Today

2010-10-03T21:43:00.006+08:00

Finished watching the drama Summer's Desire today.

Cried buckets for the last few episodes, wat the hell....

Then again, it doesn't just happen with this drama in particular, it happens with all other touching stories - the likes of dramas and movies.

I hope in future my children don't turn out like me. -_-

It's October now, and another 2 months in counting into year 2011.

That's fast. Time's passing real fast.

Before you know it, it's gonna be Christmas, then New Year, and then Chinese New Year.

Looking back the 9 months, I wouldn't have yet found the right word to sum up the year 2010 to date. There's been hectic times, fulfilling times, less-motivating times, fun times, depressing times, agitating times, and a mix of everything. So little yet so much that's been going on that's indescribable, to a point where I think I've given up blogging about them in words.

It's probably obvious since this space has been comparatively dormant anyway.

You know what I've realized today? As much as I could very effortlessly articulate my thoughts in words here on this blog (sometimes), I can't really do so in person.

Such a contrary.

Think I'm probably better off that way, write and not speak, think and not talk.

Borned to work that way -_-

And you know what I also realized today? I could've been much more successful if I hadn't done the things I had done in the recent years.

Reality check.

Talk about failure.

So for the years to come, it's gonna be hardcore redemption (and remediation) period.

Shit.

Life sucks that way!

張靚穎 [Jane Zhang] - 如果這就是愛情

2010-09-26T00:03:00.000+08:00

Been too addicted to this song!

2010-09-25T13:01:00.003+08:00

Hello everyone!

Decided to "colour" my dormant blog today, hence the pictures. :)

If you've not been to Garden's newly-opened Hokkaido Ichiba, you should give it a try.

Brought to you by the same folks who brought you the likes of Sushi Zanmai, Pasta Zanmai & Shojikiya, Hokkaido Ichiba is catered to the slightly more premium market.

(Which means food could be a little more pricier comparative to the former two).

But there's always a positive side to that - they serve really fresh sashimis & they have additional items sold like sea urchin sashimis! :D

Was there on the first night of its opening and here are some pictures to go :

They have an ice cream corner right beside the main restaurant where they serve a selection of hokkaido ice creams! Didn't get to try this then, but will certainly do soon!

We weren't really big eaters so we had minimum orders that night. Pictures here :

Where it's located :

Hokkaido Ichiba,

T-210, 3rd Floor,

The Gardens, Mid Valley City.

If you know where Sushi Zanmai is on the 3rd floor of Gardens, just walk towards the middle court on the same floor, you'll see Hokkaido Ichiba right at the escalater's end. :)

Q2 Briefly Swaying By...

2010-09-01T23:13:00.005+08:00

This year has been the best travelendar (travel + calendar, LOL) I have by far.

There's been a lot of travelling of late.

To UK in June (which I've not blogged about, yet. -_- )

To Singapore in August (Okay, I know, this one doesn't count.. business related. But I met the nicest people there whom I've been working with, known their names all along, but couldn't put faces to their email Ids, talked non business, and made new friends! Finally eh... not too bad at all).

To China in September. I'm leaving in 2 days. :D

I wish there's more to come to keep the hype going! So energetic and excited to think about.

But darn I wish our currencies are as strong as Sterling Pounds or something.

Bank account is bleeding max. Sigh.

So there's that - quarter 2 swaying by at lightning's speed.

Obviously I haven't been updating much.

Just in case you're wondering, I'm not acting busy. I AM busy! :D

Interview With LeeHom on Love In Disguise

2010-08-23T20:15:00.002+08:00

Listen to him speak when he's here last weekend :D

Uni Uni Uni

2010-08-16T20:40:00.006+08:00

Guess what I discovered on the day of my birthday?

I discovered I'm a year older, and many more older years to come. And that I'm only in my 20s, but it feels as if I'm already in my 30s. All the ladies stuff. Duhh.

Ok. No la... I actually discovered that sea urchin sashimis are quite tasty!

Yes! I tried!

But no... no photos to show you.

So I have to steal a picture I googled randomly to show you how it looks like.

Ta-da! We call them 'Uni'.

Yeap, it looks like that - like tao fu pok cut into slices. Haha.

I'll tell you what was my first reaction seeing the bowl of sashimis.

"Eeeyerrrrrrrr"

Yea, that was my response. That is... until I nom-ed them. Haha.

So there, another milestone in my Jap gastronomical journey.

Next in my must-try-before-I-die Jap delight - Fugu sashimi!

You don't get pufferfish sashimi here, because it's almost lethal if it's not prepared properly, so chefs are licensed to be able to prepare fugu sashimis.

Apparently if a human consumes poison from the deadly pufferfish, he can practically die in 10mins.

-_-

So there, my next wishlist. Haha.

王力宏 [Wang Lee Hom] - 你不知道的事

2010-08-10T21:48:00.000+08:00

Lol.

Yet again.

Very nice lor this song... haha

浪花兄弟 - 想你就寫信

2010-08-10T21:13:00.000+08:00

Getting hooked on this song lately!

So Very Random

2010-08-04T20:14:00.003+08:00

Random post.

Today's one of those days where I feel sorry for my own life.

It's also one of those days where I want to make "Screw kindness, be mean!" my motto for life.

Maybe it's a customary thing. To feel all edgy... and defeated... and un-achieving as you near the end of your prime years. -_- I sound as old as a retired person.

Ok lah, finish ranting.

Bye!

王力宏 [Wang Lee Hom] - 柴米油鹽醬醋茶

2010-07-14T19:13:00.000+08:00

Oh yea, it's out! :D

神木與瞳 [Shen Mu Yu Tong] - 好想為你哭

2010-07-13T18:53:00.001+08:00

Tell me if this song is as addictive as it is to you, like it is to me.

Nice lor... seriously... "Like"

Been MIA

2010-07-12T00:15:00.002+08:00

Sorry peeps.

I know I've been MIA for a looong while.

Promise I'll write something about my trip. I've had scattered thoughts on what to write about 'em.

It's just that I haven't had a free weekend/weeknite to literally cross my leg in front of my pc ever since.

And when I do, Cafe World is my priority. -_-

I know, my life's just pathetic like that.

Work's been piling. Office has been a mess ever since I returned. So much so, that I wish I could just disappear for once and not have to worry about work & its consequences.

Sometimes it's just pointless that you're granted an approval to take off from work.

Returning after your holiday is just equivalent to replacing all your off days' work in one go.

Worst. And you always ended up regretting that you had to take off for that long.

It makes you wonder if that break, in which you deserved and is entitled to, is all that justifiable after all.

Well, I'll collect my scattered thoughts from my trip and blog when I could.

Until then, good night everyone.

And oh yea, I'm hoping Mr. Paul The Octopus is going to be wrong about Spain taking on the World Cup title tonite in the finals. -_-

I'm going to get back to work (on a pathetic Sunday midnight) and see if I could catch the finals tonight.

"So wave your flag" everyone!

My PC's Series of Allergics

2010-05-31T21:18:00.007+08:00

Last day of May! Urgh. How time passed.

Let me tell you why I haven't been updating my blog.

I think my PC is allergic to my apartment or something.

Remember last year when the hard disk crashed and kaput-ed on me? With all the contents un-retrieved? That was Allergy No. 1.

Allergy No. 2 started this year. It was only 1 or 2 months ago that my LCD screen had a prominent blue vertical line across the screen. I don't know how it started. It just appeared suddenly. Like magic - the way Harry Potter worked some chanting mantra, waved his wand, and 'dang' the blue line just appeared. And it never went away. Some dead cells on the screen. Can't be cured. (Not unless I entirely change a new LCD, that is). As annoying as it was when it first happened, I sort of lived with it. And I'm somewhat fine with that bright blue line there when I'm browsing the web, watching movies and sorts.

I think there must have been some Lord Voldemort in the Land of Technology or something, must have been amazed at the sorts of patience I had, mending through series of allergics on my PCs. So, as dissatisfied as he is for not gaining victory in crushing my PC, he has to now send someone to destroy my motherboard this time around. Crap. Bloody crap. My windows just kept on restarting by itself. Like, you know, ahem, magic. Allergic No. 3.

I don't know. I must have been the worst user PCs have ever lived with. Or it's just pure bad luck. Or... or, wrathful Lord Voldemort really does exist, somewhere, in the Land of Technology.

-_-

Darn.

鄭秀文 [Sammi Cheng] - 捨不得你

2010-05-13T20:29:00.001+08:00

Heard this song over the radio this afternoon.

And it reminded me that I used to play this song over and over again years ago, when it was a hit!

And now.... I'm over-playing it again. Quite addictive. =)

Insomnia.. Again!

2010-05-10T01:43:00.005+08:00

Crap. It's almost 2am!

And I'm having insomnia. Again.

Rolled, tossed and turned on the bed for the past 1.5 hours, and I gave up.

Siiiggghhhhhhh...... It must be the umpteenth time. Am I getting old? Is that it?

So you know what I decided to do?

I got up and decided to turn on my pc and... blog. Semangat.

I should make blogging my professional career or something, seriously.

** I hear you, bc. You must be saying 'get an air cond' again. Haha.

Let me tell you what I've been doing while tossing on my bed a while ago.

I was going through some old sms-es in my phone. [Aiyah, I can't just toss and turn and do nothing ma, rite? I'll be bored to death. Imagine headlines : Gal sets world record for tossing on bed for the longest time... and she died of boredom].

Ok lah, I know I'm crapping already. And no, I'm not sleep talking. -_-

Anyway, back to sms-es.

Looking back at the many crossroads and milestones, ahem, I think I felt mixed feelings of where I am today.

I'm emo like that. I still keep some of the old sms-es in my inbox.

They somehow remind me of the encouragements, the thoughtful wishes, the humours, the fights, the jokes, and the many many things that exist throughout the lifetime of my faithful phone.

I don't know if you face the same problem. But whenever my phone runs out of memory, I actually take very, very long just to vet through sms-es in my inbox to decide if I should keep or delete them.

Is that silly or what?

Oh! I know a nicer sounding word to describe that. Sentimental. Hah. Lol.

Wait 'til you see how full my email inbox is. I should really find time to clear my inbox for some space. Tough work.

Okay, I'm yawning! Finally!

Enough of chattering for now. Going to get some sleep. I better sleep. Though I'm almost certain I'll stop yawning by the time I hit the sack. It's bound to happen. Yawn, crawl into bed, un-yawn. If that's even a word. :(

But I better try.

Good night, world.

劉若英 [Rene Liu Ruo Ying] - 我們沒有在一起

2010-05-09T18:18:00.006+08:00

Been watching a drama that made me addicted to this song.

Nice hor?

Of Our Revenge With Soya!

2010-05-03T20:16:00.012+08:00

Okay. The story goes like this.

Wanted to look for a good light supper in SG, so we thought we should head over to Geylang to try Yong He's famous dou jiang you tiao. So with hopes running high, and a few rounds of going around the many lorongs in Geylang, we found Yong He. Locating Yong He was easy at Geylang. Locating a carpark, on the other hand, was effortful. When we finally found one, some kiasu gal actually stood there, in the middle of the only parking space available, literally stood there, to "reserve" the place for a car that's not there yet. Brr....

So anyway, ended our struggle with a carpark further away from the shop, and we found ourselves seated impatiently waiting for our soyas!

Yong He. Let me tell you why we're so excited and all wanting to try out Yong He.

If you don't already know, Yong He is one very famous place you can have duo jiang you tiao in Taipei.

So we were given the menus.... Food.

More food.

But we decided to go with the basics & the essentials.... (or so we thought). So we went for dou jiang

& you tiao....

But you know how we ended up feeling? Disappointed. One word. Fullstop.

Don't know why we bothered driving all the way to Geylang for this.

I'd rather have went for the tin gai porridge.

So...

With a broken heart, we set out to seek for revenge!

And so we ended, on the same night, at another spot, for dou jiang you tiao. Hah! Take that, Yong He!

Damn tak puas hati. So we had to satisfy that poor crave of ours.

This came to our rescue!

Rochor Original Beancurd! You see... damn packed & crowded the place.

We thought no more seats left and we thought we had to disappointedly leave :(

(p/s : guy in red shirt on the right, that's Sean, our local "tourguide")

But! Turns out they had plenty of tables & chairs in the back alleys behind the shop!

Lucky or what?

So even with a somewhat already soya-filled stomach, we still ordered these.

I like the tau fu far..... Very nice lor. Definitely puas hati this time!

Have to thank Sean for 'recommending' us to this, our saviour to our cravings... haha

Shokudo - Japanese Food Bazaar Concept, SG

2010-04-29T00:36:00.020+08:00

It's 1.15am!

My eyes are this (.) close to dozing off. But.. but, I patiently waited for all the below photos to be uploaded for you to feast your eyes. Am I good or wat? Haha. (Actually, it was because I've not been diligently posting any photos here for a while now, so might as well... err, make it colourful).

Okay, here goes. Was in the land/island below one of the recent weekends, and am still recovering from the pain of my purse's injury. Not like GSS is already here, it's just we've been spending so much on yummy-delicious food like these! Sinful!

I'll try posting these places on separate entries (if I continue to be diligent that is, haha).

Here's my first "blood-flowing-from-the-purse" experience from the trip.

Behold...

Shokudo. It's a japanese food bazaar - where they've got similar concepts with Marche, the marketplace. Only with lots and lots of jap food! I like! :D

Okay now, on to the concept :

You walk around, spotting counters and stalls to hunt for your preference.

Stuffs like these....

Or these...

And then you present your card (you'll be given each a card upon entrance)...

To the guy over the counter, they'll swipe your order value, prepare your food... (You'll pay your total swiped upon exit at the counters).

A few random interiors & exteriors :

I was at the one in Heeren. There are quite a number of branches across Sg, you could find out more here on their website.

Random wall deco....

At the check-out counter...

Random umbrella deco hanging over the counter...

Alright, it's time to make you hungry! Nyehehe.

(But before I go on, I have to say, the thing about back-dated food posts, is that you kinda forget what these dishes are called, by the time you blog about them. So please just feast on the photos). We ordered to feed an army!

This one I know... sashimi - we've got a mix of salmon, octopus, yellow-tail, and tuna.

There were a few different combos to mix with, so you could choose according to what your taste buds prefer...

Can't remember what's this called. But that's a fish. And check out the glistening egg-wrapped rice (something like nasi goreng pattaya la...)

Yakitori - we had a stick of beef, and another stick of scallops. (Scallops super nice, I tell you!)

Okonomiyaki - I think we ordered this with Idako & Shitakes. Can't quite remember. But I do remember these are super tasty too! Not like the ones we have back here!

Double-layered chicken burger - from the counter where it sells rice burgers! Don't underestimate them, these are so huge that we had trouble biting that the chef had to cut them into pieces for us.

Macha with lots of azukis at the bottom!

(But a little too milky, I felt it made the green tea bland)

Me like this! Banana milk! And I thought milk ma... but when I opened the lid, got 'pssshhh' sound - carbonated! Special or not? But very nice lor... Don't know if we can find it here - shall hunt for it!

Dessert - obviously the green thing half-falling is the macha ice cream, followed by lots of shaved ice and huge azukis.

Not gonna tell you how much all these costs, 'coz then you'll start converting our ringgit value into SGD and feel the pain to splurge. Haha. But seriously, worth the try... not as expensive as you think. Give it a go the next time you're down south!

The Almighty Ash Cloud!

2010-04-23T01:07:00.007+08:00

Ok. Here's the thing.

You know about that recent ash cloud affecting airspace and disrupted all air traffic, that comes from the unpronounceable volcano in Iceland? ( Ok, I checked, it's called "Eyjafjallajökull". Don't ask me how to pronounce, I dunno... -_-" ).

Here we are, thinking how 'fortunate' we are not to have been affected since we were not the ones stranded in some airports for days, with no proper beds, washrooms and comfort to make do with.

I'm telling you now. We ARE affected okay!

Why, you ask?

'Coz I was over at a japanese restaurant for lunch today, and we scrolled through the yummy pictures of all the sashimis and sushis (our favourite, of coz, was salmon). And then.... sigh... the horrible news came... Every dish related to salmons were not available! So disappointing.... NO SALMONS!! Not having salmons in japanese restaurants is like, practically not having a ball on a football field in a football match! And you can't play without the bloody ball! (Okay, maybe I exaggerated, you can still eat stuffs like unagi, hotate, idako, and loads more)... but hey, salmons are essential too okay!

So anyway, we had our disappointing lunch, and went to pay at the counter, where we couldn't resist asking 'So what happened to all the salmons?'.

The guy over at the counter said "Ash cloud".

We were like "What?? U think we stupid ah? To fly from Japan to Malaysia, where got impacted by ash cloud wan?"

Guy said, "From Norway! Not Japan!"

So yeah, now we know we're also victims to the ash cloud! :((

Worst Customer Service Experience

2010-04-20T20:13:00.003+08:00

I've had the worst customer service experience today from M**bank.

You've always heard of the hall of fame and hall of shame stories from this bank.

But not until you're pissed to the pit of your boiling stomach that you really want to f*ck them off.

Why? Is it due to the fact that they're monopolizing the financial market locally, so they don't give a shit about their customer experience or reputation?

I swear if I was Iron Man, I would've punched and ripped the whole ATM machine off to retrieve my card!

I can now already foresee the agony I have to go through being pushed calls by calls, counters by counters, branches by branches from the bank just for me to want my card back!

And for all of that, not only do they not have the courtesy to offer empathy and resolve this from their end, but bounced the responsibility back to their customer to do the following ups, even when I pissed-ly demanded that they did.

One thing you shouldn't do when you're servicing your customers is reading off the bloody script.

I wondered if the rep actually understood or bothered understanding what I said.

Would they have done this to me if I was the CEO's daughter? Or maybe the President's daughter?

No.

So this is how they serve their customers.

I heard their Plat card customers are served amazingly.

So that's it.

Selective jugdmental and biased customer servicing.

It's such a shame that they're taking the lead in financial institutions.

I guess they're just comfortable where they are, being the first, and thought they'd be up there forever, without being knocked off their positions.

How disappointing...

Blah Blah Blahs From The Office

2010-04-12T21:22:00.003+08:00

I get so easily tired these days.

It must have been the numerous unnecessary stress from the office.

Feels like I'm a few years older in a few months! :(

There comes a point where I just couldn't enjoy my weekend because all I was thinking of was the piling unfinished work.

There also comes a point where I just dread going to the office every single morning.

What's worse is that, I'm so fed up of listening to myself grumble and rattle about stuff at the office that I find myself becoming a nagging grandmother!

It has become so bad, that I wish I had just made a decision then and there, even without the basis of a backup plan.

I know, irrational you'd say...

But heck, I treasure my health and quality of life more than you think I do!

And this whole stress thing is sipping energy out of me every single day of the week.

Just don't know why I'm putting myself through such miserable demotivation that burns through my already unexciting life. -_-"

How pathetic...............

Promising myself I'm not gonna let this whole thing drown my any deeper!

Hello, Hello....

2010-04-10T13:41:00.003+08:00

Hello April, and hello everyone!

I know I'm guilty of charge! Been MIA (missing in action) from my blog for a very very long time (for my standards) haha...

It's been long enough for me to kinda forget my login password to blogspot. Lol. I had to re-try a few times lor....

To start off, April has been pretty good to me (aside from the workload & bitches at work in the office... pardon my language... I seriously need an outlet... ah well, dramatic office politics... never-ending, don't they?), and apparently has been really good for the people around me too! That's good news, eh?

Whoever said rats don't fair well this tiger year? I hope we fair tremendously well for the rest of the year! (Okay, I know I know.. it's only April... too soon to tell & forecast for the rest of the year, haha). Things are finally looking like they're all starting to fall into the right places. And I'm feeling a lot of those happy vibes. Looking forward to more happy news to come! =)

Yup, I think I'm ready to face the world! Here I come... haha

Endless Love - Glee Cast Version

2010-03-21T13:08:00.001+08:00

One of the many many songs from Glee's version which I'm addicted to now. Seriously.

I think I should sing this on my own wedding day. LOL.

A Little Gal's Naive Fantasy

2010-03-16T19:53:00.004+08:00

When I was younger, and when I made myself a TV addict, I had loved dramatic love stories/dramas. The more dramatic, the better. Literally. Minus the ones you find in Korean love dramas, where you end up finding out the guy's the gal's brother of same father, different mother kinda stories. No, not that kinda dramatic. But dramatic to an extent where you'd cry your lungs out and felt so much for the pair of lovers on screen. As if you were living in their shoes.

And I'd often cursed that typical third party character, like the ex-gf, or the potential fiancée/wife-to-be, or the long-term gf who couldn't seem to just understand that their guy is not into them anymore, that they're now in love with the very sweet-genuine-generous-kind hearted main lead gal. There was always a very clear cut/only-black-and-white-no-gray kinda sensibility and rationale in my very naive heart, thinking how love is that pure and all it should matter is I love you & you love me, you have eyes for me & I have eyes for you. I was very young. And third parties were like god-sent witches. Back then I used to so admire the strength and courage of the two main leads to have struggled and fought against all odds to be together. And that the victory would be when the witch finally gave in and gave up on her whatever sorceries to stop them from loving each other, and that they're finally together, and lived happily-ever-after. (It's in italic, because as I grew, I knew it was just an assumption, an impression that was left from the very long exposure towards the perfect-world on screens).

I said I was naive.

Naive, because it is only when I grew up, that I knew this.

It did take a lot of courage and strength to have stood up and fought for the love you know will be returned. Just like the main leads do.

But it took much greater courage and strength, to be the witch, to have fought for the love you know will never be returned. And it took even more generosity, to have finally step down and raise a white flag, just so you could see the one you love happy.

Can I now say, to all witches I'd ever cursed on screens before, I, Honestly, Salute You!

Snippets

2010-03-12T22:38:00.003+08:00

I know I haven't written my thoughts for a while.

I have been very detached from my blog for a few reasons.

1. That I thought I should be protective of my personal thoughts and not conveniently expose myself so openly to the public. At least to the netizens' public.

2. That I wanted to be discreet about certain things and me penning down my thoughts would probably deceive just that.

But today, I'm gonna allow myself to do this. Just today.

I consciously have a subconscious thought and imagination of things that brings out the deepest fear in me.

When I did sit down and think quietly to myself, I figured, it's really, simply because, I have a low self esteem. I really do. There are so many things, I thought I deserved, and I thought I had the strength and confidence to motivate myself with, only to know, if it wasn't for the very specific dependency that existed, there really isn't any motivation left of myself.

To the outside world, I know this sounds very vague.

But to my world, I saw many many reflections of this.

I've asked myself, if I really had the courage, if I were to have a go at it myself.

I think I pretty much know the answer that I wouldn't.

Am I very much in my comfort zone?

Sometimes I think I've not fallen hard enough.

Imagine people who, in a very short period of time, lost everything that mattered to them, and came out so much stronger.

I ask myself if I could have that equivalent value of strength.

And I know very distinctively, that I'm weak.

I want to say today, that I felt blessed that when I felt emptiness inside, there's a true friend, who was there, givingly, accompanying me generously, not asked a word of what was wrong, understood and respected the space I needed, but at the same time knew that I needed laughter, and fed me just that. I truly am grateful of friends like these God has blessed my life with. Just what I needed, standing by me.

Hiccups : The Myth Of It

2010-03-07T01:04:00.005+08:00

Been hiccuping non-stop for the past half an hour.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I thought I wanted to search up some superstitions/myth or stuffs like that to justify why there's unending hiccuping. Like, I don't know, maybe someone's backstabbing you max or something along the lines. -_-"

And see what I found?

I like the answer.

So yea, no such superstition, okay?
But don't worry, you're still cute if you thought there was a myth behind it. -_-"

What I'm Yearning For..

2010-03-02T21:06:00.004+08:00

If I wanted life to be easier for me, am I, by default, a spoilt brat, someone who's not able to go through thick and thin, face challenges?

I think when you reach a point where inspiration becomes scarce, that's when you should throw yourself some changes.

And I'm longing to get some.

Such negativity, creeping in, seeping into, day in day out.

I don't wanna be immuned to negativity, I don't wanna become a programmed human-robot.

There are things I so insanely wish I could pursue.

But there are also things that I so sanely understand needs time.

If there was no everyone, if there was just me, decisions could be so much swifter.

But there was everyone, and I needed everyone to be in an orderly manner, so I can't just abandon.

Am I even asking for too much, if I only wanted things to go my way?

Of All Things Mythical

2010-02-28T23:35:00.003+08:00

It's the last day of Feb, and the last day of CNY. What a coincidence.

I stumbled upon this video on youtube.

Do you believe in all things mystical and mythical?

I kind of do... (don't know if it's the effect of spending half my day at the temple today). Haha.

Happy Chap Goh Meh & Chinese Valentine's people!

方炯鑌 [Fang Jiong Bin] - 遺憾

2010-02-25T20:30:00.001+08:00

Oh I realised I had wanted to post this video for quite a while now but kept forgetting.

Signs of old age I think. -_-"

Snapshots from CNY...

2010-02-22T22:55:00.004+08:00

Finally. Haven't been trying my hands on Photoscape until now.

Did some testings from the recent CNY snapshots.

Gonna be showing you a little (very very little) of how CNY was for me this year. = )

Decos + more food...

Reunion dinner mum prepared for us...

Ok lah, super short post. Haha.

Back to work today from the long holidays. Don't ask. Not a very fulfilling day.

Of Another Real Love

2010-02-20T02:09:00.004+08:00

Very cute couple! They've been so long together, 10 years! So touching!
I'm quite sure many people will be sharing this joy and bliss with them. Teehee! =)

Fierce Tigress Power

2010-02-17T23:29:00.007+08:00

Fourth day into CNY and I'm already sick.
Hence the title of this post. ><"
I'm hating the hot weather. Seriously.
My childhood rashes revisits me, thanks to the heat the sun's blaring on us.
And 'coz of the very 'hot' rain that showered last nite... I'm catching the fever bug.
Really gong xi fa cai man... Ish.

Apart from that, CNY has been fun.
(Okay, hold on, except for one other fact that I had to answer the same question over and over again : "When's your turn to distribute ang paus??" Beh tahan...)
I'm piling on the kilos.
Non-stop eating. And I really meant non-stop.
For days, the word 'hungry' didn't exist in my dictionary.
It's really time to unwrap my UZap to use.
And it's REALLY time to run the mile.
The question is, where?
Where's safe enough to run in KL, where you don't have to inhale the busy traffic's carbon monoxide, and it's safe/brightly-lit enough to not be robbed/kidnapped/watever? -_-"
Don't ask me to spend money to go join gym's membership. I'll die staring at a piece of glass for every half an hour I run, let alone stay motivated. A park would be good (KLCC park?), a neighbourhood would be good, but no gym, been there, done that, not value for money, no motivation, no thanks.
Yalar I know, I'm fussy. ><"

Kicking Off the Tiger Year

2010-02-13T12:25:00.002+08:00

This does feel right. :)
But I shall be sane, and stay focused.
There should be a right time. There will be.

I'm loving the festive mood.
Love that I don't have to think of work.
Love that I get a break away from civilization (the KL rush and all).
Love that I'm back home.
Love that I'm with my family.
Love that I'm gonna be meeting relatives and friends.
Love that there are stories after stories to catch up on.
Love that there will be gatherings after gatherings.
Love that there are lots of yummy food to eat.
Love that I get to wear new clothes (ok, maybe not - I wear new clothes any time of the year)

Happy Lunar New Year everyone!
May the Tiger year brings you lots of joy & laughter, wisdom & health, and yes... may big fat prosperity lands your way!
Have a fun holiday season!

Of Real Love

2010-02-04T21:01:00.002+08:00

I've re-watched this video countless times, and it wets my eyes.

It's just touching, and blissful! You could literally see the pure happiness. Such a simple yet celebrated wedding.

Fish Leong and Tony Chao from Mayad Studios on Vimeo.

Overrated

2010-02-04T11:31:00.003+08:00

Valentine's can be somewhat overrated sometimes.

I thought if you're happy & in love with that special someone, everyday's supposed to be Valentine's? Not particularly on 14th Feb. Isn't that right?

But yes, marketing as it is, you can't help it. The atmosphere of 'love is in the air' is themed all over the shopping malls (not so much this year, thanks to CNY! I love you CNY!)

So as I was walking around the mall yesterday, I came across this back to basic definitions that read :

Companion : Walks with me through experiences of life, sees the world through the same eyes.

Soul mates : I love you for not only what you are, but for what I am when I'm with you.

Lover : Weak in the knees when you walk into the room.

I was pondering last night and realised, yeah... sometimes we're rigid looking at the pre-qualifications, pre-requiremens, conditions to determine a right one who comes along, but fail to see the simplest rule of thumb it takes to just acknowledge the fact that you've found the right one.

I find revisiting these simple definitions rather meaningful, rather... liberating.

So What Happens Now?

2010-02-02T12:52:00.003+08:00

Will I survive this?
I feel as if I've been cursed.
The past seems to always successfully haunt me. The way it is haunting me now.
If you ask me, I've thought hard enough. But what happens now?
The chances are bleak. So are the hopes. The future. The faith. The trust.
What is left remaining then, to strive for, to fight for?
It's just going to be a vain effort.
The misery is going to seep into the core of me so badly like poison, and it will never heal.
I have to cross my heart and say, I know this will eventually happen.

我很难受

2010-02-01T22:33:00.002+08:00

我很难受。

我只能这样形容。

不想再说了。

A Boy And A Wolf

2010-01-31T15:08:00.004+08:00

My horoscope for the day reads :
"Feeling more withdrawn, you're now either engrossed in the past or past mistakes contact you. There's no rush to do anything this week. Take time to follow your intuition, get in touch with your inner self and respect your dreams. Meditation could also help to calm old hurts."

It freaks the shit out of me sometimes, when horoscope readings can be so right & accurate.

I wonder how much more of this looks real to people.
I feel like I'm playing a role in a dramatic plot in the series.
You've heard of the story of a boy and a wolf.
Will I survive as the boy, if I'm yelling for the third time?
Will people still believe me?

If Only

2010-01-30T17:59:00.002+08:00

If only there was a miracle,
If only there was no reality, no facts,
If only there was no difference in our current lives,
If only there was no distance,
If only our foundation was strong,
If only we were mutual,
If only we were compatible,
If only we complimented each other,
If only we'd not given up,
If only we'd made things right,
If only we'd loved each other enough,
If only we could turn back time,
If only things could be different,
If only all the if's don't have to exist... it would've been the most beautiful possible happy ending.

Of Stories In Songs

2010-01-28T22:41:00.004+08:00

When I was going through bad times in the recent months...

如果你也听说有没有想过我

像普通旧朋友还是你依然会心疼我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多

懂我的人就你一个

想到你想起我胸口依然温热

**************************

When I was painfully missing you...

Hey 我真的好想你

太多的情绪没适当的表情

最想说的话我(应)该从何说起

你是否也像我一样在想你

**************************

When I found some comfort & strength enough to let go...

与其让你在我怀中枯萎

宁愿你犯错后悔
让你飞向梦中的世界

留我独自伤悲

与其让你在我爱中憔悴

宁愿你受伤流泪
我非要你尝尽了苦悲

才懂真情可贵

*********************

When I felt sane enough to rationalize fate...

我活了我愛了我都不管了
心愛到瘋了恨到酸了就好了
可能的可以的真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎麼你卻不敢了呢？
我還以為我們能不同於別人
我還以為不可能的不會不可能

*********************

When I thought of how we'd gone wrong...

又站在你家的门口我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候

还能多久

*********************

Of the times when I felt how impossible it is to let go...

你给的依靠我放不掉

你给的微笑还在嘴角

我的骄傲是你的好

我想回报你却转身走掉

*********************

Of the times when I wanted so much to see you, but did not...

有一種想見不敢見的傷痛有一種愛還埋藏在我心中

我只能把你放在我的心中

這一種想見不敢見的傷痛讓我對你的思念越來越濃

我卻只能把你把你放在我心中

對你的聲音你的影你的手

我發誓說我沒有忘記過

*********************

Of the times I needed words of encouragement to stay rational...

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手

你有自由走我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走

这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦

*********************

我开始害怕

2010-01-26T22:43:00.002+08:00

我真的好害怕。

如果我真的放不下你，我该这么办？

如果几年后，我还是一样的那么爱着你，我又该这么办？

我好害怕面对。面对陌生的未来，面对没有你在我身旁的将来。

我说过我会努力。可是我真的可以吗？

It's The Final Curtain Call

2010-01-26T13:45:00.006+08:00

You know what's funny?
That it feels like I'm breaking up all over again.
Only this time, on a clearer note, and in a somewhat matured way. The right way of putting this is, matured, at least, in our terms.

Last night marks a two-way communication, something which we've lost so long ago. So long that I wish I could turn back time to make things right again where it had gone wrong.
I'm feeling such heavy mood today, I guess it's only ascertained by the fact that I know, this is an official cue for us to now part ways. I've wondered why I'd never wanted to take this conversation to the next level. I guess deep down I didn't want to see this day coming.

Just earlier yesterday, a good friend of mine told me, "That's your problem, you're digging your own grave, and now you're plunging deeper and deeper into your own grave. You're supposed to emerge stronger, living better, looking at a positive and brighter side of things, but you're only getting more and more dejected. You're letting me down." He was right, I knew.

You know what's the worse part of all?
It's how I've not realised, and I've taken for granted, how much all these are affecting our mutual friends and draining their energy away. I've failed to foresee how we're putting them into very difficult positions in between us. And it's now my call, to take a step ahead for not making things worse.

Sigh...
God, please guide me through the right way, and make me a stronger person.
Please give me strength, and courage, to endure everyday as I go.
Please help me be a better person to weather the storm everyday.

今天的战斗

2010-01-25T18:29:00.006+08:00

我很讨厌我自己这样。

飘飘荡荡的。

我真是搞不懂你爱人的方式。

关于你，我实在不能够很彻底的放下。

为什么？

即使有的是勇气，理智，疲惫的心，我竟然还是没办法。

我很想知道上天到底安排了什么样的计划，什么样的缘分，什么样的命运。

我好好奇，也很害怕。

我真的能够顺利通过这次考验，渡过这次难关马？

我真的可以吗？

Entagled

2010-01-24T02:46:00.003+08:00

Last four months have been one of the most complicating and difficult phases I've ever been through. Not counting the months that will continue to be. The thought of discovering myself, and then found that I was actually lost, and re-discovering myself, and getting lost again, then found myself again, and... well, you get the picture.

Sometimes you've been using the same approach to handle the same issues for years. Somehow that would be the very same indication that it's time you start using a totally different approach to tackle it thereafter.

It's been a while... yet the wound's as fresh as if it was only yesterday. I constantly tried not to go there. To relive that same misery that was months ago. And everyday is an effort of relinquishing the fort that still holds parcels and pieces of treasured importance entwined between two lives. The very same two lives who, in the course of nature, drifts apart. Such prominence, such synergy.

I hope in a few months down the road, I'd be able to tell, what is, and what's not. And have a clearer answer to myself.

WTF

2010-01-21T22:52:00.004+08:00

I'm so damn pissed and sick of KL's public transport system.

Like how many times it has to breakdown in a month?!

2, maybe 3. At least.

That's like bloody 24 to 36 times of breaking down in a year on average!

Isn't there supposed to be enough justification to get proper maintenance done already?

And for god's sake, it has to always decide to breakdown at the wrongest time.

Like this month to speak, the two times that it broke down happened to be,

a) When it's peak hours in the morning where everyone needs to commute to work.

And I'm supposed to be attending training. No prizes for who guessed it right, I was late!

b) When I'm drop-dead tired, almost on the verge of falling sick, late at night!

Aren't all these things supposed to be convenient and safe for the people to ride on?

What are we people supposed to do?!

We're only left with two choices. It's either,

a) We drive a car to get around KL, and we get stuck in unnecessary jams until we go crazy and pull all our hair out, until we go botak.

b) We take the trains, and expect it to breakdown every now and then as they please to. And then we're late for whatever meetings, appointments, whatsoever.

Either way, we're just screwed!

If I'm in an emergency and dying, and needed to rely on their efficiency to save my life, I'd rather die sooner in peace, rather than torture myself on my way to the hospital. That's if I ever reach there in time before I die.

Bengang giler!!

Soul Mates

2010-01-18T21:42:00.003+08:00

Do you believe, in soul mates?

Not the kind who completes your sentence, or shares exactly the same common interests with you.

But the kind whom, for some reasons, at the wrongest time ever, with the wrongest combination of all, finds yourself destined with.

Share your thoughts with me if you have.

Tell me how it feels like.

Tell me if it's like what the love novels, stories, dramas and movies tell you.

Tell me if it feels real.

Tell me if it makes sense.

Tell me is it really true, that you just know it when you've found one?

And tell me, if you both end up spending the rest of your lifetime together.

I'm open for stories to listen to. : )

This Is Not Getting Anywhere...

2010-01-17T01:01:00.005+08:00

I'm not proud of what I've become.

Not proud of the hatred that's eventually growing inside of me.

I felt unjustified. I don't like being hurt this way. I don't like being ridiculed this way.

All these things I'm hearing, all these things I'm seeing, all these things I'm knowing...

Everything you're doing is like an insult to the trust I've had towards you. An insult towards me.

I see myself turning into this hopeless person who don't believe at all, in fantasies, in fairy tales, in happily ever afters... yet, still, I find it so hard to stop the process of becoming one such stereotyped person.

I've lost my faith. Altogether.

I'm turning myself into a failure. A major one.

I've stopped asking why for a long time now. But I want to ask now, why?

Why, of all people that's in your life, why choose me ultimately, to disappoint?

Can't you see? I'm just a normal gal. I'm no stronger than any other gals you know. In fact I'm the weakest when it comes to you.

Don't I, deserve some peace of mind and some peace of heart?

The Way I Am, For Now

2010-01-12T22:21:00.006+08:00

Okay, very quick thoughts.

I think I'm going to be myself for now.

I don't know why... but today as I was on my way home from work, amidst all my usual tangled up web-cluttered thoughts, I had this sudden question, "Why am I trying so hard to be someone I'm not?"

I think I must've had too much to analyze throughout the months. Too much to sort out. So it just hit me in a halt.

I don't think I am weighing the judgment of everything I do now. But it's not really relief either. I don't quite know what the exact description is of how it feels to me.

I guess it's really, being myself, less restriction, the way I am. For now.

Shi Fu Wantan Noodles @ Cheras

2010-01-12T20:35:00.015+08:00

Spent my Saturday noon having lunch at this restaurant over at Cheras, near Leisure Mall.

Not gonna do a long write up on this one, let the photos tell you stories instead!

(Haha, actually am malas to write today).

We sat by the entrance, near the check out counter. This was our view - Check out their oriental/nyonya kopitiam-like theme.

Taken this jiu pai, thanks to BC for pointing out jiu pai is the most significant picture I should be taking. Haha. It reads Shi Fu Yun Tun Mian, I think. =D

The many newspapers/magazine reviews framed & lined up on its wall.

Gkai had this. Looked really yummy. Judging by how there was still leftover in the bowl despite his mighty appetite (and the number of tissues he had used up), I think it's quite spicy. Or at least for him. Haha.

And so... to ease his burning tongue, he ordered this. I kid you not, those red beans supply really looked like they're never-ending lor... Banyak lor...

My soya-cincau. To go with....

....THIS! I think it's called Second Spiciest Pan Mee or something along the lines.

This was the culprit that made me lao sai for the whole following day! Serious! Spicy until stomach also burning lor... (I know I know, siapa makan cili dia rasa pedas. Literally). But was really tasty!

Their version of fu zhuk yi mai.

The must-try wantan mee! (BC's verdict : quite good!)

Soup that goes along with the wantan mee.

Okay folks! That's it for today's lazy post! =)

My Insurance, My Assurance

2010-01-10T00:59:00.008+08:00

I'm sorry.

But I can't afford to be sympathetic.

And I can't afford to let loose myself to care too much.

Not this time.

It makes me weak. Very weak.

I had to build this wall. I needed to protect myself.

And you, of all person, should know why.

If I've came across as sarcastic, or at any point of time, to an extent of being mean, even at the wrong-est time, even at a time when you needed me most, or so it appeared to be, it's only because I knew I'm drawn to you, and I needed to withdraw.

For if I don't, the cycle repeats itself.

It's not the best of possible outcomes, it's not that I don't feel the pain in me when I'm withdrawing myself from you, it's just, the only way possible... for me to be able to move on.

I'm not the most diplomatic person when it comes to emotions. I'm a feeler, not a thinker.

And it's also because, of all person, you knew this.

So I could only think, and strategize. It was my only chance, on survival.

If this was a game of chess, I would've lost my kings and queens for a million times. Defeated.

But for once, even if it means losing my king & queen, at the least of it, I'd like my castle to be defended.

I can't be waiting for a forever that would never come. Eventually, someday, you'll have to go, again.

At the least of it, I reinforced your earlier thoughts & decisions that we were just wrong for each other. Perhaps that's exactly what the both of us needed to continue to be convinced of.

It's my only insurance, and my only assurance.

Awesome Skies Today

2010-01-05T21:48:00.008+08:00

Teehee! I'm loving me new camera. =D

Took some shots just this evening when I got home.

Nice hor the sky today?

It was actually raining madly earlier, but, but... lucky me - still in time to capture some shots of today's awesome dusk. I love the colours. (And no, it's not because it looks like shi jie mo ri). Haha.

And this, is how my very twilight view looks like, on occasional lucky days. Tell me KL hasn't look so awesome to you in a very long time. Please? Haha.

Oh right. I have to get started studying up the manual functions and getting used to those!

It has been on the list of "Nvm lah, next week lah" for a while now! Yikes!

孫燕姿 [Stephanie Sun Yan Zi] - 我不難過

2010-01-05T20:32:00.003+08:00

I love this song so so much now.

Sorry, am emo. Emo until can "out of the blue"-ly recall some very old songs to relate. Bleh..

到底什么时候才能解脱？

2010-01-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

我并不相信世界上有童话的存在。

或许这一句话会很现实，可是我却觉得很真实。

是我这一刻的心态吗？

其实我心里很清楚明白，你，我，如果都一直同样的保持彼此的固执，都不改变，我们不可能会在某一个未来的某一天，遇上同一条路，而重新走进彼此的生活圈。

曾经有了许多的疑问，我都好像想通了，“根本不重要”。

即使答案是感人的，也不重要。

我也明白，我开心幸福的责任，不在于你对我的承诺，而是在于我对我自己的承诺。

要开心，要快乐，要坚强。

只是为什么，心还会酸，眼泪偶然还回流，心情偶然还回荒唐。

对你的影子还会念念不忘。

到底什么时候才能解脱？

Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant, Kuantan

2010-01-03T20:26:00.007+08:00

This is how I spent my very first day of 2010.

Dinner with the family, at this locally famous chinese seafood restaurant called Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant. We somehow have a habit to call it Sha Yu Restaurant, and I'll tell you why in a bit.

The point is... if you happen to visit Kuantan someday in the future, don't forget to drop by and give this a go. Confirm no regrets wan, haha. It's a little difficult to locate though, as it's sitting right in the hub of an industrial area. It's almost impossible to reach for its many narrow turnings leading to this restaurant, but come 7-ish, it never fails to be fully thronged by hungry locals (and some from the outstations). It helps to make a reservation before you go, you can even pre-order your dishes, else be prepared to wait at minimum 30-45 mins if the crowd happens to be big.

Doing a test shot of the plate of peanuts served as typical starter in most chinese restaurants.

Fried sotong served with Lingam-alike chilli sauce. Sadly, unlike every other day, this wasn't very satisfying that night.

This, my friend, is the reason we call the restaurant Sha Yu Restaurant. Don't miss their stir-fried shark, as it's their jiu pai (specialty) dish. I've not tried any nicer servings of this to date. =)

You have got to have some greens on the table.

And yes, this. We indugled in yummy crabs that evening.

Okay, enough of food for now. Erm, sadly, I don't have the address to this restaurant. I mean, I've always taken for granted we've been there countless times, so it never occured to me to actually take note of the real address, except for that few landmarks nearby, just so I don't lose my way. Anyway, if you are interested to drop by, give me a call. I should be able to lead you there. : )

Unwrapped, Finally..

2009-12-30T21:28:00.009+08:00

I've had this for months now. It's been sitting on my shelf, and somehow, I never got to unpacking and toggling around with it until a couple of days ago. It's just gotten its official first battery charge in fact.

I guess life has a funny way of unfolding events.

I had not really talked about how this was my birthday gift earlier in August. Or how a thorough surprise's been planned for me to come home to a bouquet of pink roses in waiting that very day. Or how my birthday cakes this year were few little cute cupcakes from Delectable's. Or how I'd spent my birthday dinner over at Lookout Point, Ampang - a very simple dinner overlooking a spectacular night scene of the city.

I've talked about none of those. Partly because I thought it'd be effortlessly painful just to ransack that piece of memory, let alone talk about it. The months are passing by pretty quickly, and I think I've come around to my senses of making peace with my past. At least for now.

I wish now I have photos to show & capture those very moments. Unfortunately though, my PC's crashed before I've had a chance to have them uploaded here on this blog. Photos, videos, archives - gone, without a trace. So I guess my best bet would be to keep them all in here (*pats chest where heart is*) and here (*points at head to where the brain is*).

So yes, life's just funny that way. Life is, fate is.

But if it's not too late, and if you're reading this, though I doubt you are (and you know who you are), thank you for all the wonderful birthdays you've shared and spent with me, throughout the years.

Cynicism Backfired

2009-12-28T19:58:00.005+08:00

If you've been watching dramas, you've probably come across skeptical scenes that go like these...

Scene A : Lead actress's wedding ring fell off her finger out of a sudden. Apparently, lead actor's met an accident elsewhere. In some circumstances, probably even halfway across the globe.

Scene B : Lead actress performing violin on stage. Suddenly, violin strings broke and fell apart. And scene went on to show lead actor's heart surgery wasn't successful, and he breathed his last breath.

Scene C : Lead actor's favourite watch or something suddenly rosak. And scene went on to show lead actress fainted along the streets, somewhere.

Okay, you get the picture.

I've been quite cynical when it comes to scenes like these. I've always thought, "Where's the logic?" and I've always assumed scriptwriters/directors/producers add these to make the drama scenes more flavourful. You know, things that make after-effects long lasting in dramas.

That is, until last 3 months. When I faced one such scenario myself.

I didn't quite see it coming. At that point of time. But now that I recall, I guess I'd been given a sign. The night before things happened, I broke a vase. A very nice special blue vase. It just broke. Like, it was on the shelf, steadily, had always been there, in that same position. Then all of a sudden, without strong wind (window wasn't even opened) or whatever, it just lost its balance and fell and broke. 'Til now, I still couldn't quite figure out what was the cause, or what went wrong with it.

Funny isn't it? Even more cynical to have put it this way.

But yea, now I think the scenes that were added to give dramas more uumph power, do make sense. Hmm...

李聖傑 [Li Sheng Jie] - 古老的大鐘

2009-12-27T03:12:00.010+08:00

This song brought back my childhood memories!

I still remember when I was little, my piano teacher from Yamaha Music School actually taught us this. The title as I knew it was always "My Grandfather's Clock". And the lyrics in English goes :

My grandfather's clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It was bought on the morn
Of the day that he was born,
It was always his treasure and pride;
But it stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
Ninety years without slumbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
His life seconds numbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
It stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.

Ok, the real song has a much longer lyrics & verse to it. But this was what I learnt as a kid - the shorter version of it. Never would I thought someone would re-sing it and make it into the mando-pop top hit charts. I guess that's the trend now. Improvise oldies and make it brand new again.

Take It Away!

2009-12-25T21:33:00.003+08:00

Oh no!

Take it away from me! Now!

I meant that plastic card that made wonders.

A friend of mine calls it a wonder card.

Such convenience, such temptation, such damnation!

Christmas shopping should be made a sin. Haha.

That's it. Banning myself from using the card.

It's going to be a "Christmas Resolution". And Christmas will be over, in, erm, a few hours.

Hope you folks had fun celebrating Christmas. Congratulations if you made the celebration much healthier than mine, without needing to use any plastic cards.

Oh I think my tooth's acting up. Probably time to go visit the dentist soon.

But if I needed that crowning, I think my resolution will have to go down the water. Sigh.

I'm Excluded From A Tradition This Year

2009-12-24T23:34:00.003+08:00

Every year this day for the past six years, I've been part of a tradition.

Tradition of a family, of a company, of a business association.

This year, I'm excluded.

I ought to learn how to get used to things as they change.

Adapt to new habits. New practices. New processes. New thoughts.

I've been too involved. Deeply-engaging and extensively-committing involved.

Nevertheless, Merry Christmas folks!

I hope your Christmases are as jolly as they could be. :)

If you're travelling for the holiday season, safe journey, safe trip!

To Dye Or Not To Dye?

2009-12-23T21:07:00.002+08:00

A little help from all of you please...

Haha.

In view of the coming new year (and we're all supposed to embrace the new year with positive changes!), here's a little question I wanna throw, and *hope* I could get a little help with answers. Hehe.

Ok, here goes.

Should I :

a) Dye my hair?

b) Do rebonding?

c) Cut short? - as in not boy cut short, the slightly above shoulder length short la..

d) All of the above!

Kindly (please, please) drop me a comment on your valued thoughts. Haha.

Arigato gozaimasu!

林俊傑 [Lin Jun Jie] - 表達愛

2009-12-21T23:14:00.002+08:00

Ok. I find this song quite sweet & romantic! :)

Flashbacks

2009-12-21T18:37:00.006+08:00

I honestly... don't really like flashbacks.
The glimpses of sound promises, that vibe of happiness.
There's some sort of aversion, repugnance, whatever you call it, towards that very vibe. 反感.
'Coz it confuses me. It confuses my standpoint of view.

I wanted God to prove me wrong. To show me that you and I were really never meant to be.
That to the end of this chapter, it's a blessing in disguise.
And I wanted God to give me nothing left to prove, on traces of me loving you still.
That when I look back at this some years later, I'll be able to tell "you were right, to have let this go". Even if it's the case of either one of us hasn't found happiness yet by then.
It should only be that way.
'Coz I don't like recognizing that my self esteem & confidence's been severely injured throughout the years when I was with you. Now, that effect is somehow slowly settling in.
I don't like acknowledging how I don't find joy in a lot of things I used to be happy about anymore.

I used to think that the very minute I give up on my relationship, it would mean I give up reaping what I sow. And it's only stupid that I do so.
But now, I'd rather be in this position. Giving up. It only feels more sane.
The only setback is, I think I've underestimated my reliance towards you.
And I never really thought, the territory of dependency can be so overwhelming still, in a life that's been designed & accustomed with a habit without you in it over the months, and in the very heart that's been punctured with a hole.

I felt this very solemn melody as I write. : (
It's by Shi Xin Hui, titled "你给的".

Splitting Thoughts

2009-12-20T02:46:00.004+08:00

I really do think I have a split mind.
How could the determination fickle so recklessly.
Whatever happened to the logic, the balance, the character of strength, the course of nature?

What was it really? Shouldn't time be de-magnifying things like that?
Time is passing so quickly already. So what was it?
I don't wanna be making vain efforts. Not this time.

A lot of things are starting to get clearer now.
And a lot of things are making more sense now.
I'm slowly picking up pace now.
Though I know the remembrance is here to stay.
And in a way, ignorance does help. In a good or bad way.
I guess for now at least.

Everyone, Please Say Hi To...

2009-12-17T22:46:00.009+08:00

I should've posted this entry days ago when my excitement's all hyped up!
(I'm quite sure the post would be better then, rather than doing it now with a tired mind and body, desiring for nothing more but the inviting bed right there in my room! :p)
But, better late than never.

So everyone, say hi to....

My new boyfriend.

Yea, I'm gonna make him my new boyfriend. Maybe I should even start to think of a name to call it. Haha. You see the desperation?

Anyway, taken a few test shots to start off with.
No manual settings adjustment as yet, these are all on Auto.
Will make it a point to study up manual settings soon!

Randomly taken from the shop where I bought my new boyfriend from.

Snow falling at Pavilion's entrance, everynight throughout the Christmas season, for half an hour, from 8pm onwards.
(And yes, I did see that head blocking)

Now, moving on to food shots.

Tell me if it looks yummier than it should seem. Haha.

All taken from Pavilion's Food Republic.

That's all for this round folks! Hoping to have more nice pics rolling. *Fingers crossed*

林宥嘉 [Yoga Lin You Jia] - 說謊

2009-12-13T00:57:00.002+08:00

Wanna share a nice song. = )

Confessions Of An, Err.. "Almost" Shopaholic

2009-12-12T23:49:00.005+08:00

It was the most fulfilling retail therapy in a very long time! *wide grin*
Talk about satisfaction. Haha.
In all seriousness, I know that this much ecstasy is only temporary. And it will wear off when the monthly card statement comes. *cold sweat*

Nevertheless, I hereby confess, that whatever you do, and whatever it is, I'm so very convinced that money don't buy happiness. That's the golden rule, and it applies to everything in life. Yes, everything. It buys you pleasure, but it doesn't buy you happiness, for real.

Taking shopping as an example (I wanted to share a more serious tone of real-life examples I have in mind, but let's not bore you too much), you spend that much money to err... obtain/achieve that much satisfaction. It probably is a fair and worthwhile exchange for that very moment. But no, it doesn't heal that gap/hole inside you and make you complete.

So I wanna quote, and re-quote the very simple rule of all.
That the most important and expensive things in life, can't be bought with money.

Moving On?

2009-12-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

I don't really know if I'm living in denial. Or avoidance for that matter.
A lot of times I just learn not to revisit the pain.
At every given chance to reminisce, I chose to learn to turn around and walk away from it.
And often, that felt better. Better, because the very act of walking away convinced me that the past will eventually start to seem distant, shadowy and blurry as I go.
It takes practice. And hopefully, practice makes perfect.
Sometimes I'd think living is easy.
But dealing with the pain in full force is like suicide.
But if I don't, then when will I ever learn to recover?
And when can this hollow deep down be healed?
When will I then, be whole and complete again to embrace the future out there?

Dreading Tomorrow

2009-12-08T21:38:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow don't wanna go work, can or not?!

So sad lah, have to return to work. I don't feel like I've had enough rest.
The thought of returning to a pile of unfinished workload which is of almost 2 weeks old - Depressing!! I can almost feel the stress already. Sigh.

I've officially donated over xxx to Uncle Lim over the weekend.
In return of my generous donation, I get a lung full of smoke from inhaling second hand cigarette from the smokers. Hair still smells of smoke after effortful shampoo washes.

Can't wait for my next holiday!! *Pray hard*

December's Here

2009-12-03T00:02:00.002+08:00

Not going to continue giving titles starting with 'Staycation Day xx' anymore.

I've officially lifted off work-stress over my shoulders. Finally.
Think I'm starting to sound like a workaholic, working throughout my leave days.
Not that I want to, but datelines left me no choice in particular.
Such sacrifices I make... yet I don't even know if this is a job or a career by its own means.

Ransacking my PC through the song collection.
It's been such a long time since I last enjoy just listening to songs. Random songs. Old songs.
Feels nostalgic revisiting nice songs that used to be so 'hit' and 'popular' over the years, but have been abandoned by the trend ever since.

I've forgotten how I've loved watching the city lights on a quiet night.
Or how I've loved just going for a drive in a car, and watch the sceneries of anything swiftly pass by.
I did both today. These were the times that felt so natural to lose myself in deep thoughts and rediscover myself.
Good to have some 'me' time, finally.

Bought a book yesterday to dive into during the next few days of my leaves.
Mitch Albom's 'Have A Little Faith'.
Let's hope it's inspiring enough to lift my spirits. :-)

Ahh, December's here. Christmas will be here soon. And New Year's soon after.
2009 hasn't necessarily been a great year, but let's hope it can end great nevertheless.
Let's also hope 2010 can kick off great too.

Staycation Day 5 : Of Reminiscence

2009-12-01T00:05:00.006+08:00

Thank God for the friends whom I could count on.
For if it wasn't for them, I would've been hanging and clinging by the moment.
The gap of hole deep down hasn't really gotten much better.
Every little step I take ahead, feels like lifting a big rock off the pathway.
Some days I manage, and some days I don't.
Feeling sane could be a rarity these days.
I'm praying for more courage and clarity each and everyday as I go.
And I'm praying, that I do not lose my way, nor get carried away and lose my values along the way.
Two full months hasn't since felt like forever, yet so much has changed.
If you were to draw the exaggeration of these twist of events on a chart, it would've been a hyperbole in my 25 years of life.
Staying strong is one thing. Being able to distinguish from right to wrong, facts to emotions, truth to lies, is another.
Denial could be a lot easier to deal with. The hardest part is to take the blow, as it is.
If this was a test, it's definitely much tougher than any of the finance final papers I've sat for back in uni days. And back then I thought failing the paper was doom's day. Those fade in comparison now, they seem miniscule and no where near comparison.
I wasn't joking when I said I had very thin hope of what lies in the future. It certainly did feels so. Every bit as grey as it sounds.
The art of life is so full of vague vulnerabilities. Play it like a game, with all the preparation installed, and you still don't get to choose who wins the game, or who plays a good game at the end of it.

Staycation Day 3 & 4 : Further Re-discovery

2009-11-30T00:00:00.010+08:00

This has got to be a joke.
I'd been having bad dreams consecutively for the weekend.
Last night's was a maze.
I was stuck. And lost. In a maze.
I couldn't find my way out. I was struggling. And I was afraid.
I think I actually hear voices of people I know, trying to help. But they were so out of reach. And I got more afraid.

Please tell me this is not some kind of phsychological chain reaction.

***

我实在没有我想象中那么的坚强。
最近每天都做恶梦，看到不想看到的画面。
我有点害怕。
当我不用恨，不用气，只用真心来面对我自己，我确没办法镇定下来，没办法用平常心来面对这一切。
不想想起他，不想想起任何过去的事，可是我依然做不到。
我觉得自己真的很辛苦。
有点想要放弃的感觉。
很想就这样认输，不想斗下去了。

***

你知道吗，对我来说，我并不需要在每年的十一月二十七日才祝福你快乐。
如果生日是哪来祝福你快乐的话，那对我来说每天都是你生日。
或许你根本不在乎，也不在意。
或许李雪菱在你心目中，已经被取代了。
我搞不懂，对你深深，单纯，天真，放不下的爱，是我上辈子欠你的吗？是这样吗？
为什么要搞到自己那么累？搞到自己那么狼狈？
为什么我非要做好人不可？为什么我不把所有的一切告诉大家，让自己好过一点？为什么要那么伟大？
为什么到了这个时候，我还要那么保护她，关心她？
我好像也开始讨厌我自己，应许对你的这份爱来亏待自己。
我心里都很难过，你知道吗？
感觉上，我一直都在原地，没力量望前走，也没可能向后退。
我也很痛苦，你知道吗？
我也快要崩溃，你都知道吗？