It's been a while. Understatement. It's been a long long LONG while. I thought I've more or less abandoned the need to pour, in writing. Then tonight, there's this urge to rekindle. I know. It must've been forever since I last left. A lot has changed from where I left off. Like... thereafter I got married... and then I got pregnant... and now, junior is going to mark his 1 month milestone in 2 days time. All of that happening, and you must be thinking, I should be the happiest woman on earth now. Progressing well, you'd think. Well... that depends on how you define 'happy' then. And how you'd define 'progress'. Happiness has its own facade, and it's pretty misleading too. Until you're faced with a situation that nobody else could help you with but yourself, you wouldn't have doubted that life's all happy & positive. I miss simpler things. In fact, I miss being a child. Only now, when I have a child of my own, that I miss being a child myself. Strange how we humans are. When you're little you can't wait to grow up and have a world of your own. Now that you've grown, you want to go back to that comfy coccoon back home where the greatest worries can be as uncomplicated as 'what to have for lunch'. If only, how nice. I don't know if saying this out loud can help. I'm wishing for a lot of things. But, on top of it all, I'm wishing for inner peace.

The Greener Grass

There's a saying that goes... The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I've never really pondered upon this and never really understood the significance of this statement.... until today.

I wonder if the person who invented this statement went through as much to have come up with such an impactful one-liner. So impactful yet understates the whole story that comes along with it.

I hope, that I would come out of this stronger.

I hope, that years down the road, when I look back to today, I could find comfort in knowing that I made the right choice.

Somehow, this song echoes into my thoughts today...

True Reflex

I don't know anymore if I'm withdrawn from being myself, at times like these :(
Feeling a little tired about the need to respond "logically", that even initial reactions have to be carefully thought out.
It's almost as if it's a crime to be "entitled" to behave with instant reflex of emotional reaction.
Has it really always been me...? Have my emotions always been wrong and too overboard...?
The fact that I actually had to feel guilty bout being so in sync with my own emotions, just because I was afraid people would have to bear or put up with me - is this really a worrying alarm?
Am I shifting away from being the person I really am?

I really want to feel normal again.
I want to be able to freely and naturally and unconsciously be myself again, and be accepted the way I am without being judged, without having to keep a constant rationale-check at the back of my mind all the time.

Do you think I'll be able to achieve that?

The Real Deal

6 months and counting.

Finally understood why there's a saying that goes "Never ever expect a marriage to change things for the better, Be very grateful that it doesn't change for the worse"

I'm fully aware that nothing's perfect. Nothing is, nobody is.

And I'm fully aware, that it takes two to tango.

And in my case, it takes more than two to tango. A family affair like a wedding, takes into account so much more than just the both of us.

I had myself cushioned for this. Yet, not enough cushion to buffer myself some comfort & solace.

That - provided both of us are on a very aligned basis of foundation.

Two different individuals from worlds apart coming together would already be as tough.

But when you have two entirely different families & worlds coming together, daunting is quite an under-statement.

How do you manage multiple different levels of expectations and act as a seasoned mediator, when you yourself, is not convinced it can work out?

For a person like myself who needed to isolate & draw energy from within myself, to find comfort - I actually learned a whole new meaning to suffocation. Not something words can describe. No where near.

I guess it really is the best training ground to cultivate some inner strength. 

A lot of the "Just when you thought, things could not get any worse, it just does" moments.

Naive

Today really stupid stupid let people use as stepping stone still innocently didn't realize.

Sigh. 天真.

I really don't know if this is a strength or a weakness.

I think I have this ability to be taken advantage of easily, and yet only choose to see the bright side of it.

It's something to do with how I'm capable of naively thinking that being needed or being useful is also a sort of importance in its kind.

No wonder it's so darn difficult to say 'No' to people. Even if it means having to forgo things of my own.

Yea. Definitely weakness.

Lee Sher Lin, please learn to be smarter!

In Time With You

Fark.

Such a deja-vu watching this drama.

As real as I am. Even the most annoying traits are so very very me. -_-

Like watching a mirror of myself throughout the episodes. Scary.

Already on Episode 3 today, and I've said the exact things she said, thought the exact things she thought, did the exact things she did.

http://tw.sugoitw.com/in-time-with-you-episode-03-english-subbed/6/

Today's learnings :

"不喜欢麻烦别人，却老是找自己麻烦。

干吗要因为别人的恶意，而讨厌自己，否定自己?"

Really. Learn, Sher Lin, learn.

After Years

When you've been in a long distance relationship for a very long time, there's bound to be a few characteristics you develop gradually.

For some reasons, for some very unintentional reasons that is.

Things like being protective, of not anything else, but yourself. Even if that means protecting yourself against the vulnerable self, when you're in a relationship.

More so when a relationship is not there with you, all the time.

That balance you have to strike from time to time, for switching between emotionally depending on someone, and not being able to emotionally depend on anyone but yourself.

So then you train yourself to be strong when you've had enough of the emotional roller coaster rides. And eventually, it somehow didn't seem like training anymore - it just became a habit. A habit that you've unknowingly adapt to very well, over the years. You didn't feel that much about the little hurtful occasions anymore - the little arguments, the little fights, the little silent treatments. But that comes with a price to pay - you didn't see the hints of happy little things either. You seem to have learnt how to cushion yourself against the worst that could happen, in a lot of things. You seem to always want yourself to be more equipped, so when shit happens, you didn't need to hurt that much. Because you hated how vulnerable you were in the past, and how helpless you've felt, how you couldn't live past yourself to disappoint the people who care about you & had to worry for you. So much so that you promised yourself 'no more next time'.

But all these didn't lead to healthy thinking.

I know my shoulders surely do feel heavier than they did years ago.

Such emotional baggage.

I didn't realize that I had built so much of a wall around me.

And that I lack faith.

So what happens now?