It's been a while. Understatement. It's been a long long LONG while. I thought I've more or less abandoned the need to pour, in writing. Then tonight, there's this urge to rekindle. I know. It must've been forever since I last left. A lot has changed from where I left off. Like... thereafter I got married... and then I got pregnant... and now, junior is going to mark his 1 month milestone in 2 days time. All of that happening, and you must be thinking, I should be the happiest woman on earth now. Progressing well, you'd think. Well... that depends on how you define 'happy' then. And how you'd define 'progress'. Happiness has its own facade, and it's pretty misleading too. Until you're faced with a situation that nobody else could help you with but yourself, you wouldn't have doubted that life's all happy & positive. I miss simpler things. In fact, I miss being a child. Only now, when I have a child of my own, that I miss being a child myself. Strange how we humans are. When you're little you can't wait to grow up and have a world of your own. Now that you've grown, you want to go back to that comfy coccoon back home where the greatest worries can be as uncomplicated as 'what to have for lunch'. If only, how nice. I don't know if saying this out loud can help. I'm wishing for a lot of things. But, on top of it all, I'm wishing for inner peace.

The Greener Grass

There's a saying that goes... The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I've never really pondered upon this and never really understood the significance of this statement.... until today.

I wonder if the person who invented this statement went through as much to have come up with such an impactful one-liner. So impactful yet understates the whole story that comes along with it.

I hope, that I would come out of this stronger.

I hope, that years down the road, when I look back to today, I could find comfort in knowing that I made the right choice.

Somehow, this song echoes into my thoughts today...

True Reflex

I don't know anymore if I'm withdrawn from being myself, at times like these :(
Feeling a little tired about the need to respond "logically", that even initial reactions have to be carefully thought out.
It's almost as if it's a crime to be "entitled" to behave with instant reflex of emotional reaction.
Has it really always been me...? Have my emotions always been wrong and too overboard...?
The fact that I actually had to feel guilty bout being so in sync with my own emotions, just because I was afraid people would have to bear or put up with me - is this really a worrying alarm?
Am I shifting away from being the person I really am?

I really want to feel normal again.
I want to be able to freely and naturally and unconsciously be myself again, and be accepted the way I am without being judged, without having to keep a constant rationale-check at the back of my mind all the time.

Do you think I'll be able to achieve that?

The Real Deal

6 months and counting.

Finally understood why there's a saying that goes "Never ever expect a marriage to change things for the better, Be very grateful that it doesn't change for the worse"

I'm fully aware that nothing's perfect. Nothing is, nobody is.

And I'm fully aware, that it takes two to tango.

And in my case, it takes more than two to tango. A family affair like a wedding, takes into account so much more than just the both of us.

I had myself cushioned for this. Yet, not enough cushion to buffer myself some comfort & solace.

That - provided both of us are on a very aligned basis of foundation.

Two different individuals from worlds apart coming together would already be as tough.

But when you have two entirely different families & worlds coming together, daunting is quite an under-statement.

How do you manage multiple different levels of expectations and act as a seasoned mediator, when you yourself, is not convinced it can work out?

For a person like myself who needed to isolate & draw energy from within myself, to find comfort - I actually learned a whole new meaning to suffocation. Not something words can describe. No where near.

I guess it really is the best training ground to cultivate some inner strength. 

A lot of the "Just when you thought, things could not get any worse, it just does" moments.

Naive

Today really stupid stupid let people use as stepping stone still innocently didn't realize.

Sigh. 天真.

I really don't know if this is a strength or a weakness.

I think I have this ability to be taken advantage of easily, and yet only choose to see the bright side of it.

It's something to do with how I'm capable of naively thinking that being needed or being useful is also a sort of importance in its kind.

No wonder it's so darn difficult to say 'No' to people. Even if it means having to forgo things of my own.

Yea. Definitely weakness.

Lee Sher Lin, please learn to be smarter!

In Time With You

Fark.

Such a deja-vu watching this drama.

As real as I am. Even the most annoying traits are so very very me. -_-

Like watching a mirror of myself throughout the episodes. Scary.

Already on Episode 3 today, and I've said the exact things she said, thought the exact things she thought, did the exact things she did.

http://tw.sugoitw.com/in-time-with-you-episode-03-english-subbed/6/

Today's learnings :

"不喜欢麻烦别人，却老是找自己麻烦。

干吗要因为别人的恶意，而讨厌自己，否定自己?"

Really. Learn, Sher Lin, learn.

After Years

When you've been in a long distance relationship for a very long time, there's bound to be a few characteristics you develop gradually.

For some reasons, for some very unintentional reasons that is.

Things like being protective, of not anything else, but yourself. Even if that means protecting yourself against the vulnerable self, when you're in a relationship.

More so when a relationship is not there with you, all the time.

That balance you have to strike from time to time, for switching between emotionally depending on someone, and not being able to emotionally depend on anyone but yourself.

So then you train yourself to be strong when you've had enough of the emotional roller coaster rides. And eventually, it somehow didn't seem like training anymore - it just became a habit. A habit that you've unknowingly adapt to very well, over the years. You didn't feel that much about the little hurtful occasions anymore - the little arguments, the little fights, the little silent treatments. But that comes with a price to pay - you didn't see the hints of happy little things either. You seem to have learnt how to cushion yourself against the worst that could happen, in a lot of things. You seem to always want yourself to be more equipped, so when shit happens, you didn't need to hurt that much. Because you hated how vulnerable you were in the past, and how helpless you've felt, how you couldn't live past yourself to disappoint the people who care about you & had to worry for you. So much so that you promised yourself 'no more next time'.

But all these didn't lead to healthy thinking.

I know my shoulders surely do feel heavier than they did years ago.

Such emotional baggage.

I didn't realize that I had built so much of a wall around me.

And that I lack faith.

So what happens now?

Best Christmas Ever!

Title of post self-explanatory! :)

For once I'm finally feeling the goodness in the midst of this chaotic year.

Glad I'm ending the year with much anticipation & so much more to look forward to, in welcoming another brand new year (which is a rather rare positiveness for the longest time, LOL).

Sure, I've had that many twist of fates this year that there were undeniably times when I thought I'd be knocked down helpless & hopeless.

And then there were also times when I thought why things were a never-ending struggle for me.

But the fact that shit came with so much more good reasons, and they certainly taught me so much more than the other years that I've been through before.

I could never have been more grateful for how things turn out to be.

(p/s Dear me, sorry for putting you through so much of unnecessary stress throughout the months & for being negative most of the times - I could've told you that things will eventually turn out to be fine & save you that many unnecessary stress zits!)

I must say, I may not have the finest in life this year, but I do feel glad that I've had a year that's fulfilling at heart, not by material standards.

I may have also lost certain things this year, but I gained so much more to keep in life.

I may have been through a lot of bad times this year, but I learnt so much more from them to rebuild a renewed soul.

Alas, best christmas ever! :)

Seeking Solace

Before, I'd always visited Tian Hou Gong with a purpose in mind.

To qiu qian.

To witness dear friends' ROM.

To take nice photos.

Today, I was there for solely one purpose.

And that is to seek solace.

To confess that I needed solace, and that I needed peace of heart.

I don't see myself as anywhere near religious.

But for some reasons today, it struck me loud & clear that I needed to be there.

Like of everything that's making me feel troubled, this was the only thing that stood out clearly.

Perhaps it was simply because I needed that positive & calming vibe or aura to enter me.

It took me this long to realize that this clogged & clouded mind has been expanding cumulatively.

Over the months. Over the years maybe.

And I'd fail to recognize this, let alone deal with it with much courage.

Was I in denial? I don't know.

But I do know this is not something I could just simply reach out & heal. Not just like that.

I wonder if mid-life crises that people actually go through, is of the same nature.

Have I been bottling up too much that it has become too overwhelming?

Or have I just been weak emotionally that I couldn't weather too much of breakdown phases?

I don't know.

But I do know that being self-contained in such periods have probably taken its toll on me.

That I've probably utilize my maximum quota of EQ to deal with things, and I haven't been allowing myself the time to recharge.

Believe it or not, this new realization has brought me to actually google up 'Depression' today and read up on symptoms of it.

It was a difficult acknowledgment - admitting that I could possibly be facing depression myself.

As if being anxious wasn't enough, I actually scored a high side of the listed symptoms.

Do you know how people always claim "If you're able to identify you're having depression, then you're not really in depression yet"?

Wrong.

For my realization was fortunately early.

I learnt today that there are generally three types of depression :

1. Non-melancholic depression - mainly caused by psychological factors, the most common type that affects one in four females, one is six males over their lifetime.

2. Melancholic depression - primarily caused by biological factors.

3. Psychotic depression - the most severe of all.

And I come to learn now how important "me" time always is...

How you should never deny yourself if there's a need to feel - to be angry, to be sad, to fret, to feel guilt.

How you should never deny yourself all these and get them over & done with. And then, move on - healthily, without the emotional baggage.

I now know that if this is left unattended, the magnitude of how it can amplify itself, is as harmless as it is of a crime itself.

I'm hoping, that positiveness can be regained.

Fingers crossed.

This Year, Thanksgiving Is Just A Noun

As much as I refrain from writing here, it just has to come to a stage where it's increasingly difficult to stay positive.

I need an outlet to keep myself sane.

And yet the least I want to do, is to start whining to anyone. As if everyone else had no problems of their own to handle.

That - and also not knowing where this story should rightfully start.

"Just when you think things couldn't get any worse than it already is... "

I know I don't have the biggest problems in the world.

But in my world these days, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, it just proves it can...

So much that within a short period of time, I've developed such extreme behavioral patterns.

That my emotional development has shifted to a total different level, of something I've not known of.

I don't know what to make of it - if it's bad or good.

Just when Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and we should feel grateful for things.

Such a contrary.

A Worthy Toast

Despite having shit thrown at me these past months, I've never felt as liberating as I have now.

For the least of it, I'm not living & ruled by the people who think they knew me better than I do.

For the virtues & values I believe in do not weigh any lesser than that of theirs.

For I've found a new definition to patience.

And I've rediscovered true friendships worth having.

All that stress & anxiety these has caused me - although undeniably unavoidable (I don't deny how much unnecessary stress these has caused me), that amount of strength & courage I found in me to take it right at my face - this strength, I never knew I had.

For I've redefined my abilities.

The abilities to reconnect with my inner self, and the abilities to make peace with myself.

The abilities to put myself up to the test, and be able to rise above that.

The abilities to challenge that sorta mindset and overcome that with positiveness.

This is a toast worth to self discovery :)

Women

Have I mentioned how scary women can be?

And yes, despite me being a woman (or lady, or gal, watever), I full-on still think women are scary.

Let's not talk about the times they're vulnerable - times that you feel they're these fragile beings to be protected.

Instead, let's talk about the times when they're defensive. Or the times when their competition streak button is 'ON'. Now that - is when they can be as dangerous & complex as the spies in Infernal Affairs.

And to talk about the level of consciousness, the tact, the amount of caution you require, to handle women in situations like that. Practically have to channel 120% usage of brain consumption -_-

And did I mention how psycho-ed they can be when they have this revenge-intent-driven mindset at a subconscious level?

And also how they can have the best manipulating skills by appearing angel-innocent-like to most people yet at the same time be the most devilish demon at intended targets?

And how they're able to launch a massive chaos ranging from a cat-fight to a world war without even having to lift a finger?

Unfortunately enough, I'm experiencing hell with one right now.

Of Off Days

How time flies.

Looking back weeks ago, I was excitedly counting down this merdeka-raya week long holiday... And today, it's only 2 days to the end of this week of no-work.

I wouldn't say I'm not looking forward to go back to work.

But I would wish for a longer holiday still, simply because I wish I had more time to run all my back-log errands, to tick off the to-do list that I've been accumulating for waaaaaaay too long. :(

The only unaccounted item was that I didn't foresee the continuous days of PH to actually equate to offices & shops being closed. So there goes my to-do list : still unchecked. Sigh...

Lesson learnt : Remember that if I had off days, it would mean that the offices would have their off days too.

My Sincere Prayer

It's not until today, that I deeply feel how life is so capable of being dramatic to you and turn you helpless.

Simply put in the most cliche statement - life can be a bitch, and life can give you hell.

When I've been worrying about the most minuscule things in life, I came to know about the bigger world out there. I may have my weight on my shoulders, we've all had such weights, but you, my dearest friend, you're facing the biggest bite of reality in this dramatic order of the world. I felt so tiny knowing just how brave you are, facing this.

If only there was anything I could do to help you in this trying time.

I'm praying for you - for clarity of mind, and for strength at heart. This much I can do for you.

I sincerely hope you'd get through this. I know you won't give up, and I know you'd be standing face to face & you'd negotiate each and every such challenge to the last of your effort.

Know that I'll stand by you. Let's be tough & get through this. I know it won't be easy. I'll walk with you through this, I promise :)

Recognizing That Grey Space

Somewhere along those lines, between the black & white, there's grey.

Grey was never a widely-known recognized area of fact.

For all of its existence, grey was almost always unjustified.

And grey was a space associated with denial.

I grew up recognizing blacks & whites in life, the areas we commonly know as right & wrong... but not the grey.

I also grew up being judgmental towards grey.

But today's one of those days where grey becomes one of the most neutral space I've ever known.

I know the world was judging my grey.

I also know, I could only satisfy that much of the world.

Picking Up

I should be crowned the laziest blogger within the netizen world.

Can definitely win hands down.

Thank God I don't blog for a living. Will probably starve to death by now. -_-

And thank God even more that I don't blog to please.

I think I have a few good things to be grateful about these days.

I don't remember having that much interrupted sleeps anymore. Which means I probably am happier. (Either that, or I'm probably getting old & getting tired pretty easily, hmm!)

I think my wellness coaching consultant will be darn happy to know that I actually DO sleep before 11pm. How miraculously "well-balanced". LOL.

And yes, about that wellness coaching. Long story. But to cut it short, it was probably one of those experiences you would get by seeing a psychiatrist, or errm... counsellor? Yea, that sounded better - counsellor.

Not quite sure if it goes to show that big boss suspected I had super unhealthy lifestyle or worse... mental disorder/breakdown. Hence the white mouse specimen = me, to try out the sessions. -___-

Things have been looking up so far. Or it's just me having a slightly (like seriously, slightly) positive outlook. I hope this stays the same, if not better. :)

Pray

I guess somewhere within that decision lies a piece of me that I've misplaced for a long time.

I hope I'll find myself sooner than later!

*pray for peace at heart and wishing myself all the best*

:)

Back To Reality

Ahh, back from Taiwan and not quite happy to come home :(

Wish I could stay longer... and I meant long term-ly longer - soul searching or work or take a short study course there or something...

It wasn't exactly running away, but this 5-days escape made me feel every bit less suffocated.

I wasn't overly excited or overly having that much fun... but for a while now until last week, I finally felt I was actually breathing. And I felt that weight off my shoulders. I was happier, and I haven't been happy in a long time.

Coming back to reality just reminds me of depressing stuffs, depressing thoughts.

If anything better to rejuvenate, I could do a long term vacation - away from here.

The Boy & His Sheep

There's that story, of a boy who watches over his herd of sheep.

He told lies. And for that, he lost his sheep when the real wolf came.

He was given only two chances.

I gave so much more than that.

This story, though, ends differently.

Dear Blog

Dear blog,

That die-hard pattern is slowly emerging.

Do you think this is a sign?

Wide awake at 3am now not knowing what I could do - that couldn't be good.

I'm that lost that I wish there's a manual to guide me on how to handle things like that.

This heart has seen through most things and yet, here I am, dazed, again.

Is this really really the one decision that I made wrong, to which is costing me so much.

Did I ask for this myself?