Best Christmas Ever!

Title of post self-explanatory! :)

For once I'm finally feeling the goodness in the midst of this chaotic year.

Glad I'm ending the year with much anticipation & so much more to look forward to, in welcoming another brand new year (which is a rather rare positiveness for the longest time, LOL).

Sure, I've had that many twist of fates this year that there were undeniably times when I thought I'd be knocked down helpless & hopeless.

And then there were also times when I thought why things were a never-ending struggle for me.

But the fact that shit came with so much more good reasons, and they certainly taught me so much more than the other years that I've been through before.

I could never have been more grateful for how things turn out to be.

(p/s Dear me, sorry for putting you through so much of unnecessary stress throughout the months & for being negative most of the times - I could've told you that things will eventually turn out to be fine & save you that many unnecessary stress zits!)

I must say, I may not have the finest in life this year, but I do feel glad that I've had a year that's fulfilling at heart, not by material standards.

I may have also lost certain things this year, but I gained so much more to keep in life.

I may have been through a lot of bad times this year, but I learnt so much more from them to rebuild a renewed soul.

Alas, best christmas ever! :)

Seeking Solace

Before, I'd always visited Tian Hou Gong with a purpose in mind.

To qiu qian.

To witness dear friends' ROM.

To take nice photos.

Today, I was there for solely one purpose.

And that is to seek solace.

To confess that I needed solace, and that I needed peace of heart.

I don't see myself as anywhere near religious.

But for some reasons today, it struck me loud & clear that I needed to be there.

Like of everything that's making me feel troubled, this was the only thing that stood out clearly.

Perhaps it was simply because I needed that positive & calming vibe or aura to enter me.

It took me this long to realize that this clogged & clouded mind has been expanding cumulatively.

Over the months. Over the years maybe.

And I'd fail to recognize this, let alone deal with it with much courage.

Was I in denial? I don't know.

But I do know this is not something I could just simply reach out & heal. Not just like that.

I wonder if mid-life crises that people actually go through, is of the same nature.

Have I been bottling up too much that it has become too overwhelming?

Or have I just been weak emotionally that I couldn't weather too much of breakdown phases?

I don't know.

But I do know that being self-contained in such periods have probably taken its toll on me.

That I've probably utilize my maximum quota of EQ to deal with things, and I haven't been allowing myself the time to recharge.

Believe it or not, this new realization has brought me to actually google up 'Depression' today and read up on symptoms of it.

It was a difficult acknowledgment - admitting that I could possibly be facing depression myself.

As if being anxious wasn't enough, I actually scored a high side of the listed symptoms.

Do you know how people always claim "If you're able to identify you're having depression, then you're not really in depression yet"?

Wrong.

For my realization was fortunately early.

I learnt today that there are generally three types of depression :

1. Non-melancholic depression - mainly caused by psychological factors, the most common type that affects one in four females, one is six males over their lifetime.

2. Melancholic depression - primarily caused by biological factors.

3. Psychotic depression - the most severe of all.

And I come to learn now how important "me" time always is...

How you should never deny yourself if there's a need to feel - to be angry, to be sad, to fret, to feel guilt.

How you should never deny yourself all these and get them over & done with. And then, move on - healthily, without the emotional baggage.

I now know that if this is left unattended, the magnitude of how it can amplify itself, is as harmless as it is of a crime itself.

I'm hoping, that positiveness can be regained.

Fingers crossed.

This Year, Thanksgiving Is Just A Noun

As much as I refrain from writing here, it just has to come to a stage where it's increasingly difficult to stay positive.

I need an outlet to keep myself sane.

And yet the least I want to do, is to start whining to anyone. As if everyone else had no problems of their own to handle.

That - and also not knowing where this story should rightfully start.

"Just when you think things couldn't get any worse than it already is... "

I know I don't have the biggest problems in the world.

But in my world these days, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, it just proves it can...

So much that within a short period of time, I've developed such extreme behavioral patterns.

That my emotional development has shifted to a total different level, of something I've not known of.

I don't know what to make of it - if it's bad or good.

Just when Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and we should feel grateful for things.

Such a contrary.

A Worthy Toast

Despite having shit thrown at me these past months, I've never felt as liberating as I have now.

For the least of it, I'm not living & ruled by the people who think they knew me better than I do.

For the virtues & values I believe in do not weigh any lesser than that of theirs.

For I've found a new definition to patience.

And I've rediscovered true friendships worth having.

All that stress & anxiety these has caused me - although undeniably unavoidable (I don't deny how much unnecessary stress these has caused me), that amount of strength & courage I found in me to take it right at my face - this strength, I never knew I had.

For I've redefined my abilities.

The abilities to reconnect with my inner self, and the abilities to make peace with myself.

The abilities to put myself up to the test, and be able to rise above that.

The abilities to challenge that sorta mindset and overcome that with positiveness.

This is a toast worth to self discovery :)

Women

Have I mentioned how scary women can be?

And yes, despite me being a woman (or lady, or gal, watever), I full-on still think women are scary.

Let's not talk about the times they're vulnerable - times that you feel they're these fragile beings to be protected.

Instead, let's talk about the times when they're defensive. Or the times when their competition streak button is 'ON'. Now that - is when they can be as dangerous & complex as the spies in Infernal Affairs.

And to talk about the level of consciousness, the tact, the amount of caution you require, to handle women in situations like that. Practically have to channel 120% usage of brain consumption -_-

And did I mention how psycho-ed they can be when they have this revenge-intent-driven mindset at a subconscious level?

And also how they can have the best manipulating skills by appearing angel-innocent-like to most people yet at the same time be the most devilish demon at intended targets?

And how they're able to launch a massive chaos ranging from a cat-fight to a world war without even having to lift a finger?

Unfortunately enough, I'm experiencing hell with one right now.

Of Off Days

How time flies.

Looking back weeks ago, I was excitedly counting down this merdeka-raya week long holiday... And today, it's only 2 days to the end of this week of no-work.

I wouldn't say I'm not looking forward to go back to work.

But I would wish for a longer holiday still, simply because I wish I had more time to run all my back-log errands, to tick off the to-do list that I've been accumulating for waaaaaaay too long. :(

The only unaccounted item was that I didn't foresee the continuous days of PH to actually equate to offices & shops being closed. So there goes my to-do list : still unchecked. Sigh...

Lesson learnt : Remember that if I had off days, it would mean that the offices would have their off days too.

My Sincere Prayer

It's not until today, that I deeply feel how life is so capable of being dramatic to you and turn you helpless.

Simply put in the most cliche statement - life can be a bitch, and life can give you hell.

When I've been worrying about the most minuscule things in life, I came to know about the bigger world out there. I may have my weight on my shoulders, we've all had such weights, but you, my dearest friend, you're facing the biggest bite of reality in this dramatic order of the world. I felt so tiny knowing just how brave you are, facing this.

If only there was anything I could do to help you in this trying time.

I'm praying for you - for clarity of mind, and for strength at heart. This much I can do for you.

I sincerely hope you'd get through this. I know you won't give up, and I know you'd be standing face to face & you'd negotiate each and every such challenge to the last of your effort.

Know that I'll stand by you. Let's be tough & get through this. I know it won't be easy. I'll walk with you through this, I promise :)