Naive

Today really stupid stupid let people use as stepping stone still innocently didn't realize.

Sigh. 天真.

I really don't know if this is a strength or a weakness.

I think I have this ability to be taken advantage of easily, and yet only choose to see the bright side of it.

It's something to do with how I'm capable of naively thinking that being needed or being useful is also a sort of importance in its kind.

No wonder it's so darn difficult to say 'No' to people. Even if it means having to forgo things of my own.

Yea. Definitely weakness.

Lee Sher Lin, please learn to be smarter!

In Time With You

Fark.

Such a deja-vu watching this drama.

As real as I am. Even the most annoying traits are so very very me. -_-

Like watching a mirror of myself throughout the episodes. Scary.

Already on Episode 3 today, and I've said the exact things she said, thought the exact things she thought, did the exact things she did.

http://tw.sugoitw.com/in-time-with-you-episode-03-english-subbed/6/

Today's learnings :

"不喜欢麻烦别人，却老是找自己麻烦。

干吗要因为别人的恶意，而讨厌自己，否定自己?"

Really. Learn, Sher Lin, learn.

After Years

When you've been in a long distance relationship for a very long time, there's bound to be a few characteristics you develop gradually.

For some reasons, for some very unintentional reasons that is.

Things like being protective, of not anything else, but yourself. Even if that means protecting yourself against the vulnerable self, when you're in a relationship.

More so when a relationship is not there with you, all the time.

That balance you have to strike from time to time, for switching between emotionally depending on someone, and not being able to emotionally depend on anyone but yourself.

So then you train yourself to be strong when you've had enough of the emotional roller coaster rides. And eventually, it somehow didn't seem like training anymore - it just became a habit. A habit that you've unknowingly adapt to very well, over the years. You didn't feel that much about the little hurtful occasions anymore - the little arguments, the little fights, the little silent treatments. But that comes with a price to pay - you didn't see the hints of happy little things either. You seem to have learnt how to cushion yourself against the worst that could happen, in a lot of things. You seem to always want yourself to be more equipped, so when shit happens, you didn't need to hurt that much. Because you hated how vulnerable you were in the past, and how helpless you've felt, how you couldn't live past yourself to disappoint the people who care about you & had to worry for you. So much so that you promised yourself 'no more next time'.

But all these didn't lead to healthy thinking.

I know my shoulders surely do feel heavier than they did years ago.

Such emotional baggage.

I didn't realize that I had built so much of a wall around me.

And that I lack faith.

So what happens now?

Best Christmas Ever!

Title of post self-explanatory! :)

For once I'm finally feeling the goodness in the midst of this chaotic year.

Glad I'm ending the year with much anticipation & so much more to look forward to, in welcoming another brand new year (which is a rather rare positiveness for the longest time, LOL).

Sure, I've had that many twist of fates this year that there were undeniably times when I thought I'd be knocked down helpless & hopeless.

And then there were also times when I thought why things were a never-ending struggle for me.

But the fact that shit came with so much more good reasons, and they certainly taught me so much more than the other years that I've been through before.

I could never have been more grateful for how things turn out to be.

(p/s Dear me, sorry for putting you through so much of unnecessary stress throughout the months & for being negative most of the times - I could've told you that things will eventually turn out to be fine & save you that many unnecessary stress zits!)

I must say, I may not have the finest in life this year, but I do feel glad that I've had a year that's fulfilling at heart, not by material standards.

I may have also lost certain things this year, but I gained so much more to keep in life.

I may have been through a lot of bad times this year, but I learnt so much more from them to rebuild a renewed soul.

Alas, best christmas ever! :)

Seeking Solace

Before, I'd always visited Tian Hou Gong with a purpose in mind.

To qiu qian.

To witness dear friends' ROM.

To take nice photos.

Today, I was there for solely one purpose.

And that is to seek solace.

To confess that I needed solace, and that I needed peace of heart.

I don't see myself as anywhere near religious.

But for some reasons today, it struck me loud & clear that I needed to be there.

Like of everything that's making me feel troubled, this was the only thing that stood out clearly.

Perhaps it was simply because I needed that positive & calming vibe or aura to enter me.

It took me this long to realize that this clogged & clouded mind has been expanding cumulatively.

Over the months. Over the years maybe.

And I'd fail to recognize this, let alone deal with it with much courage.

Was I in denial? I don't know.

But I do know this is not something I could just simply reach out & heal. Not just like that.

I wonder if mid-life crises that people actually go through, is of the same nature.

Have I been bottling up too much that it has become too overwhelming?

Or have I just been weak emotionally that I couldn't weather too much of breakdown phases?

I don't know.

But I do know that being self-contained in such periods have probably taken its toll on me.

That I've probably utilize my maximum quota of EQ to deal with things, and I haven't been allowing myself the time to recharge.

Believe it or not, this new realization has brought me to actually google up 'Depression' today and read up on symptoms of it.

It was a difficult acknowledgment - admitting that I could possibly be facing depression myself.

As if being anxious wasn't enough, I actually scored a high side of the listed symptoms.

Do you know how people always claim "If you're able to identify you're having depression, then you're not really in depression yet"?

Wrong.

For my realization was fortunately early.

I learnt today that there are generally three types of depression :

1. Non-melancholic depression - mainly caused by psychological factors, the most common type that affects one in four females, one is six males over their lifetime.

2. Melancholic depression - primarily caused by biological factors.

3. Psychotic depression - the most severe of all.

And I come to learn now how important "me" time always is...

How you should never deny yourself if there's a need to feel - to be angry, to be sad, to fret, to feel guilt.

How you should never deny yourself all these and get them over & done with. And then, move on - healthily, without the emotional baggage.

I now know that if this is left unattended, the magnitude of how it can amplify itself, is as harmless as it is of a crime itself.

I'm hoping, that positiveness can be regained.

Fingers crossed.

This Year, Thanksgiving Is Just A Noun

As much as I refrain from writing here, it just has to come to a stage where it's increasingly difficult to stay positive.

I need an outlet to keep myself sane.

And yet the least I want to do, is to start whining to anyone. As if everyone else had no problems of their own to handle.

That - and also not knowing where this story should rightfully start.

"Just when you think things couldn't get any worse than it already is... "

I know I don't have the biggest problems in the world.

But in my world these days, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, it just proves it can...

So much that within a short period of time, I've developed such extreme behavioral patterns.

That my emotional development has shifted to a total different level, of something I've not known of.

I don't know what to make of it - if it's bad or good.

Just when Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and we should feel grateful for things.

Such a contrary.

A Worthy Toast

Despite having shit thrown at me these past months, I've never felt as liberating as I have now.

For the least of it, I'm not living & ruled by the people who think they knew me better than I do.

For the virtues & values I believe in do not weigh any lesser than that of theirs.

For I've found a new definition to patience.

And I've rediscovered true friendships worth having.

All that stress & anxiety these has caused me - although undeniably unavoidable (I don't deny how much unnecessary stress these has caused me), that amount of strength & courage I found in me to take it right at my face - this strength, I never knew I had.

For I've redefined my abilities.

The abilities to reconnect with my inner self, and the abilities to make peace with myself.

The abilities to put myself up to the test, and be able to rise above that.

The abilities to challenge that sorta mindset and overcome that with positiveness.

This is a toast worth to self discovery :)