But I can't afford to be sympathetic.
And I can't afford to let loose myself to care too much.
Not this time.
It makes me weak. Very weak.
I had to build this wall. I needed to protect myself.
And you, of all person, should know why.
If I've came across as sarcastic, or at any point of time, to an extent of being mean, even at the wrong-est time, even at a time when you needed me most, or so it appeared to be, it's only because I knew I'm drawn to you, and I needed to withdraw.
For if I don't, the cycle repeats itself.
It's not the best of possible outcomes, it's not that I don't feel the pain in me when I'm withdrawing myself from you, it's just, the only way possible... for me to be able to move on.
I'm not the most diplomatic person when it comes to emotions. I'm a feeler, not a thinker.
And it's also because, of all person, you knew this.
So I could only think, and strategize. It was my only chance, on survival.
If this was a game of chess, I would've lost my kings and queens for a million times. Defeated.
But for once, even if it means losing my king & queen, at the least of it, I'd like my castle to be defended.
I can't be waiting for a forever that would never come. Eventually, someday, you'll have to go, again.
At the least of it, I reinforced your earlier thoughts & decisions that we were just wrong for each other. Perhaps that's exactly what the both of us needed to continue to be convinced of.
It's my only insurance, and my only assurance.
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