My Subconscious Mind

I was awaken by a bad dream this morning.

If dreams reflect the subconscious minds, then there's nothing more real about how I feel, than what I've dreamt of.

In the dream, I was thrown into a scenario, and forced to face, something I knew deep down I did not want to see coming in real life.
I was watching you from afar. On your wedding day. In that dream, it felt like it's only been a month or two since we've broken up. As fresh the wound as it is in real life. And you were getting married. In an instant, it was only my natural reaction that I didn't want you to catch a glimpse of me nearby. So I went into hiding. Behind some tall gates. I recognise where this place is. It's your house, back in Kulai. It's so much contrast, the mood of the celebration against the heartbeat of mine. Everything else was in red. The red celebrative ribbons decorated all over the house, on the cars, the symbols of double happiness, everything was celebrative. But it felt solemn to me. As I peeped through the gaps between the tall gates, I saw you kiss the bride. And then I recognise who the bride was. I've seen her somewhere before. In between the talks of participants of the celebration, I overheard that she was pregnant. There's some sort of satisfaction emitted from that smile of yours. And nothing cuts through my heart more than watching just that. And all of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted when the bride's flowers were tossed and flung to the direction where I was hiding. And I so desperately hid away, just so that I'm not seen.

I'm a coward like that. In my dreams. And in real life.

The scenes switched quickly, from that to something worse.
This time, I'm having a close up view. Of you and her. Exchanging sweet talks and sweet gestures with each other. Happy faces. I recognise that blue bedsheet, that blue Ikea pillow we bought together, the same thick blue floral curtains your mum has hung for you, that same ray of sunlight shining through the windows. That same exact scene where I was when I was there. In real life. I remembered wanting to shut my eyes wishing badly I wasn't there, but it was as if I was forced to see and endure all these, right in front of me, there and then. I remembered wishing someone could've saved me out of there. I remembered starting to cry. I remembered pleading in my heart, "Stop. Please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see this."

***

Love, if it's something I could've let go easily with hatred, it could've been the easiest way out.

You have no idea what amount of tears I've shed, for this love of mine. And the love for you.

How much pain, it would have brought me to realise, it should be a relief letting this love go.

How much courage, it would have taken me to say, I'm giving you up. For good.

Please stop, haunting me. Please allow me sounding sleeps. Please allow me sweet dreams.

I want to live. And I want a happy life.