Flashbacks

I honestly... don't really like flashbacks.
The glimpses of sound promises, that vibe of happiness.
There's some sort of aversion, repugnance, whatever you call it, towards that very vibe. 反感.
'Coz it confuses me. It confuses my standpoint of view.

I wanted God to prove me wrong. To show me that you and I were really never meant to be.
That to the end of this chapter, it's a blessing in disguise.
And I wanted God to give me nothing left to prove, on traces of me loving you still.
That when I look back at this some years later, I'll be able to tell "you were right, to have let this go". Even if it's the case of either one of us hasn't found happiness yet by then.
It should only be that way.
'Coz I don't like recognizing that my self esteem & confidence's been severely injured throughout the years when I was with you. Now, that effect is somehow slowly settling in.
I don't like acknowledging how I don't find joy in a lot of things I used to be happy about anymore.

I used to think that the very minute I give up on my relationship, it would mean I give up reaping what I sow. And it's only stupid that I do so.
But now, I'd rather be in this position. Giving up. It only feels more sane.
The only setback is, I think I've underestimated my reliance towards you.
And I never really thought, the territory of dependency can be so overwhelming still, in a life that's been designed & accustomed with a habit without you in it over the months, and in the very heart that's been punctured with a hole.

I felt this very solemn melody as I write. : (
It's by Shi Xin Hui, titled "你给的".