Spring Cleaning

Sher Lin is doing some spring cleaning to her room and to her heart today.

She's hoping she can sort out old and new stuffs apart, pack, and organize them accordingly.

Like the old clothes hanging in the wardrobe that she has never mustered enough courage to part ways with.

Or like that emptied favourite perfume bottle that she never garnered enough logical senses over sentimental values to throw away.

Or like that lovely photo frame which has age-old vivid yet obscure and foggy photo appearance which she never gathered enough justification to replace with.

She's hoping today she'll do just that.

Lonesome Friday

Never knew I was capable of feeling this afraid of loneliness before.

Counting down Fridays and looking forward to weekends have always been my key strengths.
And now having weekends all to myself feels dreadful.
How ironic.

I feel like doing this....

.........................

.................

.........

Yea... dipping my head into icy cold water. In an effort to feel better.

Settling For Less

Tell me if I've been too dismissive.

With every more outings, conversations, talks, I'm increasingly reassured and convinced, that this is harder than I think.

Why has it have to be so hard to find someone whom I can say something to, and not strugglingly explain more, just to desperately have someone understand exactly what I wanted to say, to desperately get my message across?
Have I always been that bad in communication? What was it? The language barrier? The channel breakdown? The different brain wave signals? What?

Is it really going to be this hard? Replacing this role of yours?
Can I settle for less? Should I?

So worn out in faith that I feel I'm stripped off the ability to discover the small little everyday pleasures and delights.

It really does feel like I'm running on auto pilot, day after day.

It must be stress and hormone playing tricks on me. I hope it is. It has got to be.

If what they say is true that time does heal everything, why can't it be any sooner?

Don't you just feel amazed of how you were when you were younger?
As a kid, you ran faster than you should and fell all the time.
But how often do you really remember the pain of falling down? Rarely.
You just cry over it, learn your lessons, stand up, and got over it.
As a kid you do that, all the time.
Why can't I now?

Grr...

Grr...

I so wanted to pen (I mean type) something down.
But it's as if I'm searching through empty spaces within a mind map.

I wanted to tell you a story. Of my story.
But I think it'd be so damn long, narrow and winding, you'd rather watch the 100-episodes serial of taiwanese hokkien dramas instead.

So here I am, not knowing what to write... hmmph!

You know how people say when one door shuts, another opens... yea, cliches like that?
Or like, whatever shit that happens, they happen for a reason, and they are blessings in disguise?
I think I'm like jinx-ed or something, I dunno. I thought I found my blessings in disguise, and then they no longer become blessings. Something like that.
Ok, I shan't procrastinate. Bad for mental health, bad for soul.
Must think like, if people can do it, I can too. This one two thumbs up for positivity.
Like dunno wat inspirational (delusional) power brain talk like that.

Ok lah, dun wanna blog dy.

Yea, I know. It's a stupid post.
Grr...

刘俗仪 (Suki) - 鸵鸟

Of a rising local star. I like this song.

Re-defining Definitions

At some point of time, I felt like I was living life out of a drama series.
For the longest time, I thought I was playing the lead actress. I was.
Only apart from the usual drama story plots, this one had no happy ending. It was not a fairy tale.
Commercial media doesn't teach you much, on how things are like when there are no happy endings.
They teach you how to love, and they teach you how to stay hopeful.
But what they don't teach, is how you stay strong when your hopes fall apart.
There are bound to be times, when you feel, if anyone else could do it, so could you.
There are also bound to be times, when you feel, out of place, away from the outside world.
I finally come to understand, why was it that in dramas, a person can go to great lengths when the person they care about fail to return their love.
Why was it that they could do all evil, just to keep a person close by.
I used to think it was all exaggerated.
Now I know. It was simply because that person was all their hopes. Those story plots were real, the exaggeration of it was real. It is indeed very painful when you lose your hopes.
I thought that when I gave all to make something work, it would.
I thought that when I don't give up, it would pay off.
I thought that when I did the best I could within my means, it would be appreciated.
I wanted to believe that everything happening in this world is just and fair.
Wasn't that supposed to be the law of nature?
The dramas don't teach you what happens when the law of nature doesn't work for you.
Little did I know, love rarely is just and fair.
I felt like I'm back to being a little girl. Seeing and learning the world from scratch.
Because I'd always thought I knew enough. But it turns out everything I ever knew and believed in did not really exist.
Perhaps, the underlying message in the dramas was, happy endings are defined by you.
The dramas define happy endings as all things karma-ed beautifully and accordingly.
That the lead actor and actress always do work out well.
But I should now learn, how to re-define my happy ending.
And maybe, just maybe, I should learn, that he's not my lead actor.

不应该

我不应该害怕被刺而选择不去欣赏一朵玫瑰花.

也不应该害怕黑暗的大空而选择不享受天上的星星.

我真的不应该害怕. 害怕受傷, 害怕失去, 害怕痛.