这一刻的我

我觉得我真的需要一个很徹底的假期。

这一刻的我，什么也不想想，不想说，不想聽。

我感觉好累。

绝望，失望，矛盾，生气，模糊，希望，孤单，理智，情感，完全混乱的溶化在一起。

有时觉得自己好天真。但，有时觉得自己终于长大了，能够接受现实，承担事实了。

我怎么找回平衡点呢？

The Worst Drench Ever

I blardy hate recent KL's weather, I tell you! HATE!
I had the worst drench ever in history today! My usual evening 7-8 minutes walk from the office to the nearest monorail station felt like 70-80 minutes! It was pouring madly. And I meant mad in all extent that you could possibly think of! So much so that an umbrella didn't help (it almost got blown off by the wind coming the opposite direction. Twice!). My slippery slippers didn't help either (but much better than wearing heels). Can you imagine if I had the guts to "choose beauty over safety/comfort" ? (there's this chinese saying that sounds that way). Oh, and it didn't help either, that there was this idiotic driver (driving an S-Class Mercedes, mind you, probably with pea-sized brains), running over this massive pool of water, while a few of us poor pedestrians struggled our way through the horrible storm on the streets! What a super-idiot. Urgh! By the time I got to the monorail station (finally, reliable shelter!), I was wetly equivalent to a pail full of water. My pants were fully drenched, as if I'd woke up and worn a freshly-soaked pants to work today. It was dripping drops of water with every step I took along the way (like I just emerged from a pool or something). The outcome/takeaways from this were...

(a) My whole bag was soaked too. Imagine two linings, the outer layer was of synthetic material of sorts. But it was soaked. Everything I had inside was wet - my purse, my mobile phone, my office access tag, my pen drive, papers, cards... And I have them all properly dispersed on the floor to dry out now. :(

(b) Energy & spirit drenched along too! :(

(c) How un-user-friendly can the public transports in KL be, or to be exact, how the roads leading to the public transports in KL can be.

(d) Never associate all big nice cars with courtesy drivers. Never. (I'm just too pissed to be fair enough to judge "the driver" fairly now. You may be rushing home to see your kids, or may be rushing off to the nearest toilet to pee, or you may even be rushing off to save Cicakman from falling off the wall, but I don't care!).

Pictures Do Paint A Thousand Words

As I was going through my folders in my PC a moment ago, I found a number of random great snapshots from recent years that hold fond and dear memories in my life, in their very own way. In random and not-necessarily-in-sequence order :

Had a blast outing with fellow MCG-ians' colleagues in Port Dickson!

DIY Sushi Nite with Kuantan mates!

Bday '07 - Xenri, OKR! (Oops, sorry BC, I think you looked blurry here)

Bday '08 - EuroDeli, TTDI!

Us (feeling rather satisfied) with the final outcome of Sean's convocation's 'bouquet of flowers'!

Was in Taiwan! Standing in front of the iconic Taipei 101...

... and I was standing this close to Wu Zhun! (with all the other gals fighting their chance to have a photoshoot with him)...

...and I had my long-time favourite original 'Oh Ah Mi Sua' there!

A mark to signify we're no longer kids!

With the A3-11-11 gang holiday-ing in Fraser's Hill...

... Check out the 'family' portrait in all seriousness!

Miss the good 'ol uni days when things are much simpler!

No prizes for guessing which corner of the room belongs to me (*hint - spot Snoopy tissue boxes! haha)

I think I'm missing out on a lot of other good photos in my PC. Shall make it a point to relocate these treasurable 'memory tokens' and keep them properly organized!

A Moment Of Reflection

Today's entry will be a heavy one. It may be outrightly non-sensible, offensive or rude at a certain degree. So if you're a person who easily gets offended (this was not my intention), defensive, or skeptical towards emotional thoughts, you may want to skip this post. I just want to take a moment, to reflect on how my thoughts have changed (or evolved) throughout the years.

I used to think I could do anything for love in a relationship. For love, I won't give up no matter what. I would trust, for love. I would've have faith no matter what, for love. For love, I would be patient & forgiving. For love, I could tolerate the harshest moment. For love, I don't mind sacrificing. Love for me, was pure and shouldn't be of any requirement, and that I would willingly give without asking for return. Love was that incredible for me. Such a huge word, and such greatness. And I believed in all the greatness of love. I used to think that the definition of love was so pure, so genuine, that I couldn't understand how is it that, there are people out there who can fall in and out of love easily, or play with love, feelings & emotions of others. I couldn't understand why is it that, there are people out there who compares, demands, requests or sets a requirement before loving someone. I couldn't understand why is it that, there are people out there who could give plenty of petty excuses to break up with their partners, and not choose to tolerate and compromise. I used to think these people have not really felt real love before, that they were being materialistic, immature, and that love was shallow. But now I think, it might just be that they've given up on finding that pure love that I've talked about, thinking that, love like that don't possibly exist, and probably thinking they will never earn a chance to be granted a love that pure.

I thought I was a person who is always very 伟大 in love, very generous. I think I was wrong. I think I've thought wrong. I'm selfish too. I weigh my love too. I compare my love too. Who am I to judge others now? I am not as forgiving as I thought. I am not as considerate as I thought. And I demand for my partner to give me unconditional, undivided, boundary-less sort of love, attention and care. When he doesn't, it bothers me and I do mind, a great deal. Who am I, then, to say that I know what love is? I don't deserve to think that my love is all that great.

I had come across this scenario, in John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, which really stood out to me. John's wife, Bonnie, was in pain, torn & exhausted after delivery of their daughter. She hasn't got rest for days. And one day when John's got a rough day at work, he came home to the complaints of his wife, saying she was in pain, but nobody cared, and that she felt deserted & alone. To this, John was on rage, and they exchanged a few harsh words, and John was about to storm out of the house when Bonnie said, "Stop. Please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't sleep in days. Please listen to me". As John stopped to listen to his wife, she continued "John Gray, you're a fair-weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie, you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out the door". With tears in her eyes, she continued, "Right now, I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you most. Please come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go". He walked over and silently held her. She wept in his arms, and after a few minutes, she thanked him for not leaving. She told him that she just needed to feel him holding her. And at that moment, he realised the real meaning of love - unconditional love. He realised what she said was right, that he was a fair weathered friend. As long as she's happy and nice, he loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, then he would feel blamed, and then argued, and distanced himself.

It struck me from this, that many a times, I think I'm like John himself, being a fair weathered friend. I love in return when the person is nice, and chose to distant away when the person's angry or upset, and was being harsh. I guess then, my love is conditional after all.

The Big Things In Life

Here's the thing. I think I've definitely underestimated things in a lot of ways.

Things I didn't think I could do before, but I can now. I've underestimated my own capabilities & strength. I thought I'm an ordinary person, doing ordinary things, in an ordinary life. But now I know that I must've been extraordinary at some point of my life. (I hear 'ya say "Self praise is no praise"?) Haha. But well, a little ego boost is good every now and then. Here's my benchmarking - I'd sometimes do an odd check thinking to myself, "If I were to die someday, what kind of marks/footprints/memories would I have left to the people around me?" and if I'd feel comfortable with the answer, then I'd guess it's a good sign.

I've also underestimated the power of time. How when people say "Time will tell", "Time will heal" or that "Time is the best medicine". Now I know. Embarking on a time machine, and see myself sail through challenges & develop in between different stages of life - now that's cool.

Now, destiny. What can I say about fate, about destiny? I wouldn't think I've actually challenged and underestimated fate or destiny at any point throughout my entire 25 years of life (yes I know, 25 is not too big a number to be talking about things like that). Some people choose to think they control their own fate, that destiny is non-existent. I choose to think it's a half-half kind of thing. Your destiny's probably already written in a way, but you can choose how you handle things when they do happen, so it's not fated that you should despair (the controllable) when you lose something (the uncontrollable).

Wealth. When I was younger, I'd always strongly believe, emotional wealth is of far greater importance than financial wealth. Now that I've grown, I would have to say my thoughts have changed a little. I still strongly believe in the phrase that "Money can't buy you happiness", but I do know now that in the realistic world that everyone is faced with now, I have to now change the latter to "Money can't buy you happiness, but it definitely can buy you a lot of things okay, don't play-play". But there's still a vague line of striking balance between the two, though. That's why there are people who do get carried away and choose to go the materialistic way.

Alright then, that's enough reflection and thoughts for the day.
I'm having an off-day tomorrow, yippie! It's about time I have a break.
Have a great weekeend!

By the way, here's a song that I haven't heard for a long, long, long time. It was one of the songs in the soundtrack of Ally McBeal, the series. I've almost forgotten how I used to love this song. This is by Vonda Shepard - "Neighbourhood". Trust me, she's got a lot of very nice songs, should check it out! Couldn't find the offial MV, but enjoy this song!

Something I Found On Love II

I'd also came across this string of jokes that are particularly light & not too mushy in this season of love. It's a really good one. :D

What Valentine ???

1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Tachycardia which may lead to ventricularfibrillation and Myocardial Infarction (Heart Attack).

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, forgetfulness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

5. Frequent or constant sexual arousal.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Nymphomania

6. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when he/she calls or comes over.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Multiple Sclerosis

7. Inability to stop thinking about him/her.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

8. Bruising on neck, breasts and other tender areas.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Leukemia

9. Insomnia.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

10. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel him or her when not in his/her presence.
You think it's: Love
Medical possibility: Schizophrenia

Something I Found On Love

Here's something I found while reading TheStar online this morning. It should be one of those articles that's reflective during this season of love - Valentine's. Here goes :

Love and pride go together but can be disastrous
SIGHTS & SOUNDS By XANDRIA OOI

OVER the past year, I have learned a thing or two about love. I find the power of love fascinating and contradictory at the same time.

Besides being able to turn a perfectly normal person into a giddy, beaming creature; love also has the power to unhinge the most rational of us.

If you’ve ever been in love, you might agree that love can make us a little insane at times.

An intelligent, successful person would cry, beg and flood their partner’s mailbox with a dozen incoherent messages, all because of love. In the face of love, any pride that we might have gets flushed down the drain.

There also are instances where the opposite is true.

I find that love and pride are so closely intertwined that the mere movement towards one or the other can change the outcome of an disagreement between couples.

Anger and pride are also never far from each other. It is anger that spurs us to make the most hurtful remarks and it is pride that stills our tongue when we want to say we’re sorry.

Anger makes us forget ourselves and gives us a temporary sense of power. We say things we don’t mean and when we want to run after the one we love, it is our pride that keeps us rooted to the ground.

No one is perfect and it is our battle with pride and anger that makes up human love. We either allow anger and pride to take over or we can try very hard to let love do the talking.
After all, pride, anger and regret will not keep us warm at night.

Love is also a very strange notion. We can promise our partner the earth and the sky, whisk them away on luxurious holidays and feel happier when we hear their voice on the telephone; yet we can be rude to them, careless with their feelings and take them for granted.

You wouldn’t put as much effort into a friendship and you also wouldn’t abuse it; yet when it comes to relationships, you could be operating on both ends of the scale at the same time.
It doesn’t take one long to figure out that we are at our most vulnerable when we are in love. Even the strongest and meanest have been known to be defeated by it.

Love may have the power to heal, but it also certainly has the power to break someone and turn them into a shadow of their former self.

I have found that showing our love is not just giving what comes naturally to us when we are happy.

It is always easy to love someone when we’re in a good mood but when things aren’t so peachy it can be such a struggle to remember how to show that love.

Although I am a naturally affectionate person, I find myself behaving more like Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll when angry or upset; ashamed as I am to admit.

“Never make a decision when you’re angry” is a motto that I’m glad my boyfriend practices and has constantly reminded me to stand by.

Falling in love is easy but no one seems to advertise the fact that it isn’t as simple to sustain that wondrous feeling.

The thing is, we can have the best education from the most prestigious university, but when it comes to the matters of the heart, we have no way of preparing for it.

There is no other way to understand love than to learn about it the hard way and hope that our heart, and the hearts of those who love us, survive the ride.

I don’t find Valentine’s Day overrated as I see it as an anniversary of love.

After an entire year of learning about love and being a better person because of it, wouldn’t you want to celebrate too?