Today's entry will be a heavy one. It may be outrightly non-sensible, offensive or rude at a certain degree. So if you're a person who easily gets offended (this was not my intention), defensive, or skeptical towards emotional thoughts, you may want to skip this post. I just want to take a moment, to reflect on how my thoughts have changed (or evolved) throughout the years.
I used to think I could do anything for love in a relationship. For love, I won't give up no matter what. I would trust, for love. I would've have faith no matter what, for love. For love, I would be patient & forgiving. For love, I could tolerate the harshest moment. For love, I don't mind sacrificing. Love for me, was pure and shouldn't be of any requirement, and that I would willingly give without asking for return. Love was that incredible for me. Such a huge word, and such greatness. And I believed in all the greatness of love. I used to think that the definition of love was so pure, so genuine, that I couldn't understand how is it that, there are people out there who can fall in and out of love easily, or play with love, feelings & emotions of others. I couldn't understand why is it that, there are people out there who compares, demands, requests or sets a requirement before loving someone. I couldn't understand why is it that, there are people out there who could give plenty of petty excuses to break up with their partners, and not choose to tolerate and compromise. I used to think these people have not really felt real love before, that they were being materialistic, immature, and that love was shallow. But now I think, it might just be that they've given up on finding that pure love that I've talked about, thinking that, love like that don't possibly exist, and probably thinking they will never earn a chance to be granted a love that pure.
I thought I was a person who is always very 伟大 in love, very generous. I think I was wrong. I think I've thought wrong. I'm selfish too. I weigh my love too. I compare my love too. Who am I to judge others now? I am not as forgiving as I thought. I am not as considerate as I thought. And I demand for my partner to give me unconditional, undivided, boundary-less sort of love, attention and care. When he doesn't, it bothers me and I do mind, a great deal. Who am I, then, to say that I know what love is? I don't deserve to think that my love is all that great.
I had come across this scenario, in John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, which really stood out to me. John's wife, Bonnie, was in pain, torn & exhausted after delivery of their daughter. She hasn't got rest for days. And one day when John's got a rough day at work, he came home to the complaints of his wife, saying she was in pain, but nobody cared, and that she felt deserted & alone. To this, John was on rage, and they exchanged a few harsh words, and John was about to storm out of the house when Bonnie said, "Stop. Please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't sleep in days. Please listen to me". As John stopped to listen to his wife, she continued "John Gray, you're a fair-weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie, you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out the door". With tears in her eyes, she continued, "Right now, I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you most. Please come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go". He walked over and silently held her. She wept in his arms, and after a few minutes, she thanked him for not leaving. She told him that she just needed to feel him holding her. And at that moment, he realised the real meaning of love - unconditional love. He realised what she said was right, that he was a fair weathered friend. As long as she's happy and nice, he loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, then he would feel blamed, and then argued, and distanced himself.
It struck me from this, that many a times, I think I'm like John himself, being a fair weathered friend. I love in return when the person is nice, and chose to distant away when the person's angry or upset, and was being harsh. I guess then, my love is conditional after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment