This has got to be a joke.
I'd been having bad dreams consecutively for the weekend.
Last night's was a maze.
I was stuck. And lost. In a maze.
I couldn't find my way out. I was struggling. And I was afraid.
I think I actually hear voices of people I know, trying to help. But they were so out of reach. And I got more afraid.
Please tell me this is not some kind of phsychological chain reaction.
***
我实在没有我想象中那么的坚强。
最近每天都做恶梦，看到不想看到的画面。
我有点害怕。
当我不用恨，不用气，只用真心来面对我自己，我确没办法镇定下来，没办法用平常心来面对这一切。
不想想起他，不想想起任何过去的事，可是我依然做不到。
我觉得自己真的很辛苦。
有点想要放弃的感觉。
很想就这样认输，不想斗下去了。
***
你知道吗，对我来说，我并不需要在每年的十一月二十七日才祝福你快乐。
如果生日是哪来祝福你快乐的话，那对我来说每天都是你生日。
或许你根本不在乎，也不在意。
或许李雪菱在你心目中，已经被取代了。
我搞不懂，对你深深，单纯，天真，放不下的爱，是我上辈子欠你的吗？是这样吗？
为什么要搞到自己那么累？搞到自己那么狼狈？
为什么我非要做好人不可？为什么我不把所有的一切告诉大家，让自己好过一点？为什么要那么伟大？
为什么到了这个时候，我还要那么保护她，关心她？
我好像也开始讨厌我自己，应许对你的这份爱来亏待自己。
我心里都很难过，你知道吗？
感觉上，我一直都在原地，没力量望前走，也没可能向后退。
我也很痛苦，你知道吗？
我也快要崩溃，你都知道吗？
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
My Subconscious Mind
I was awaken by a bad dream this morning.
If dreams reflect the subconscious minds, then there's nothing more real about how I feel, than what I've dreamt of.
In the dream, I was thrown into a scenario, and forced to face, something I knew deep down I did not want to see coming in real life.
I was watching you from afar. On your wedding day. In that dream, it felt like it's only been a month or two since we've broken up. As fresh the wound as it is in real life. And you were getting married. In an instant, it was only my natural reaction that I didn't want you to catch a glimpse of me nearby. So I went into hiding. Behind some tall gates. I recognise where this place is. It's your house, back in Kulai. It's so much contrast, the mood of the celebration against the heartbeat of mine. Everything else was in red. The red celebrative ribbons decorated all over the house, on the cars, the symbols of double happiness, everything was celebrative. But it felt solemn to me. As I peeped through the gaps between the tall gates, I saw you kiss the bride. And then I recognise who the bride was. I've seen her somewhere before. In between the talks of participants of the celebration, I overheard that she was pregnant. There's some sort of satisfaction emitted from that smile of yours. And nothing cuts through my heart more than watching just that. And all of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted when the bride's flowers were tossed and flung to the direction where I was hiding. And I so desperately hid away, just so that I'm not seen.
I'm a coward like that. In my dreams. And in real life.
The scenes switched quickly, from that to something worse.
This time, I'm having a close up view. Of you and her. Exchanging sweet talks and sweet gestures with each other. Happy faces. I recognise that blue bedsheet, that blue Ikea pillow we bought together, the same thick blue floral curtains your mum has hung for you, that same ray of sunlight shining through the windows. That same exact scene where I was when I was there. In real life. I remembered wanting to shut my eyes wishing badly I wasn't there, but it was as if I was forced to see and endure all these, right in front of me, there and then. I remembered wishing someone could've saved me out of there. I remembered starting to cry. I remembered pleading in my heart, "Stop. Please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see this."
***
Love, if it's something I could've let go easily with hatred, it could've been the easiest way out.
You have no idea what amount of tears I've shed, for this love of mine. And the love for you.
How much pain, it would have brought me to realise, it should be a relief letting this love go.
How much courage, it would have taken me to say, I'm giving you up. For good.
Please stop, haunting me. Please allow me sounding sleeps. Please allow me sweet dreams.
I want to live. And I want a happy life.
If dreams reflect the subconscious minds, then there's nothing more real about how I feel, than what I've dreamt of.
In the dream, I was thrown into a scenario, and forced to face, something I knew deep down I did not want to see coming in real life.
I was watching you from afar. On your wedding day. In that dream, it felt like it's only been a month or two since we've broken up. As fresh the wound as it is in real life. And you were getting married. In an instant, it was only my natural reaction that I didn't want you to catch a glimpse of me nearby. So I went into hiding. Behind some tall gates. I recognise where this place is. It's your house, back in Kulai. It's so much contrast, the mood of the celebration against the heartbeat of mine. Everything else was in red. The red celebrative ribbons decorated all over the house, on the cars, the symbols of double happiness, everything was celebrative. But it felt solemn to me. As I peeped through the gaps between the tall gates, I saw you kiss the bride. And then I recognise who the bride was. I've seen her somewhere before. In between the talks of participants of the celebration, I overheard that she was pregnant. There's some sort of satisfaction emitted from that smile of yours. And nothing cuts through my heart more than watching just that. And all of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted when the bride's flowers were tossed and flung to the direction where I was hiding. And I so desperately hid away, just so that I'm not seen.
I'm a coward like that. In my dreams. And in real life.
The scenes switched quickly, from that to something worse.
This time, I'm having a close up view. Of you and her. Exchanging sweet talks and sweet gestures with each other. Happy faces. I recognise that blue bedsheet, that blue Ikea pillow we bought together, the same thick blue floral curtains your mum has hung for you, that same ray of sunlight shining through the windows. That same exact scene where I was when I was there. In real life. I remembered wanting to shut my eyes wishing badly I wasn't there, but it was as if I was forced to see and endure all these, right in front of me, there and then. I remembered wishing someone could've saved me out of there. I remembered starting to cry. I remembered pleading in my heart, "Stop. Please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see this."
***
Love, if it's something I could've let go easily with hatred, it could've been the easiest way out.
You have no idea what amount of tears I've shed, for this love of mine. And the love for you.
How much pain, it would have brought me to realise, it should be a relief letting this love go.
How much courage, it would have taken me to say, I'm giving you up. For good.
Please stop, haunting me. Please allow me sounding sleeps. Please allow me sweet dreams.
I want to live. And I want a happy life.
Friday, November 27, 2009
It's Still Day 2
I haven't been behaving today.
I realise my efforts of staying strong through this do occasionally go to waste.
Every now and then, there's just glimpses of the past, making their way through to the present.
Am I... allowed, to stumble my way so oftenly, along the road to recovery?
There must be a reason why giving you up can be so difficult.
There must also be a reason, why is it that I'm exceptionally vulnerable when it comes to you.
It's not like I've never been through breakups before. It's not like I've never had failed relationships before. And it's not like, I've never had my heart broken before. And it's certainly not like, I've never been through worse than this before.
But there must be a reason, why the heart is particularly fragile, when it comes to you.
I guess I must be able to accept this fact, before I could really move on, on my own again.
Accept, that despite the anger and hatred I have within, that it obviously shows I do love you.
Accept, that I'm also angry at myself, for still loving you, after all you've done.
It could've been beautiful, if it worked out the right way, with mutual respect, with mutual understanding.
At the rate this is going, there is no way, things can be undone.
I think I really should start unwrapping the layers of protection I have had for the relationship.
I really want to learn to say goodbye, to close this chapter, for good.
放过我的过去，也放过我自己。
I realise my efforts of staying strong through this do occasionally go to waste.
Every now and then, there's just glimpses of the past, making their way through to the present.
Am I... allowed, to stumble my way so oftenly, along the road to recovery?
There must be a reason why giving you up can be so difficult.
There must also be a reason, why is it that I'm exceptionally vulnerable when it comes to you.
It's not like I've never been through breakups before. It's not like I've never had failed relationships before. And it's not like, I've never had my heart broken before. And it's certainly not like, I've never been through worse than this before.
But there must be a reason, why the heart is particularly fragile, when it comes to you.
I guess I must be able to accept this fact, before I could really move on, on my own again.
Accept, that despite the anger and hatred I have within, that it obviously shows I do love you.
Accept, that I'm also angry at myself, for still loving you, after all you've done.
It could've been beautiful, if it worked out the right way, with mutual respect, with mutual understanding.
At the rate this is going, there is no way, things can be undone.
I think I really should start unwrapping the layers of protection I have had for the relationship.
I really want to learn to say goodbye, to close this chapter, for good.
放过我的过去，也放过我自己。
Staycation Day 2 : Mind Search
"No one knows your relationship better than you do".
It's really true what people say.
It's an irony.
It's only when I stopped thinking, that I got my answer.
It's only when I stopped talking, that the inner voice starts speaking.
I know that today marks an important event.
But it's no longer important as it should be.
If what you're wishing for are all the successes, I'd rather be wishing you a clear conscience and clarity of mind as you grow. Growing a year old should mark wisdom. And wisdom earns you respect. If wisdom is what you've achieved, then I would've shared my blessings with you. But the respect you've so successfully earned in years, is beginning to wear thin. So is my patience, it's wearing thin too. So is my generosity.
When I gaze into a mirror and see a reflection of myself, what I see is my true self, my true conscience. There never was any hidden agendas. I smile when I'm genuinely happy, and I cringe when I'm genuinely worried and doubtful, and my tears fall when I'm genuinely sad and disappointed. That's just me, my true self. My reflections don't lie.
But I'm curious. What do you see? Do you still know the reflection you're staring back at? How exactly does it feel, staring at a stranger - your own reflection, and not knowing who that person is anymore? Don't you miss the real reflection of yours?
Mind search aside.
Guess what? Got a call from my manager today saying that there's been an error on my leaves revision, so I'm supposed to have less leaves than what I was planned for! Looks like I have to do without the Xmas break. Darn.
It's really true what people say.
It's an irony.
It's only when I stopped thinking, that I got my answer.
It's only when I stopped talking, that the inner voice starts speaking.
I know that today marks an important event.
But it's no longer important as it should be.
If what you're wishing for are all the successes, I'd rather be wishing you a clear conscience and clarity of mind as you grow. Growing a year old should mark wisdom. And wisdom earns you respect. If wisdom is what you've achieved, then I would've shared my blessings with you. But the respect you've so successfully earned in years, is beginning to wear thin. So is my patience, it's wearing thin too. So is my generosity.
When I gaze into a mirror and see a reflection of myself, what I see is my true self, my true conscience. There never was any hidden agendas. I smile when I'm genuinely happy, and I cringe when I'm genuinely worried and doubtful, and my tears fall when I'm genuinely sad and disappointed. That's just me, my true self. My reflections don't lie.
But I'm curious. What do you see? Do you still know the reflection you're staring back at? How exactly does it feel, staring at a stranger - your own reflection, and not knowing who that person is anymore? Don't you miss the real reflection of yours?
Mind search aside.
Guess what? Got a call from my manager today saying that there's been an error on my leaves revision, so I'm supposed to have less leaves than what I was planned for! Looks like I have to do without the Xmas break. Darn.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Staycation Day 1
I've been doing a lot of doubles lately.
I don't know... probably going through some kinda movie trend phase or something.
This Is It : Michael Jackson x 2
2012 x 2
As if GSC hasn't got enough patrons to make money from. Had to contribute twice to the same movie somemore... Not complaining though. And I think I'm a good movie date. I don't provide you with spoilers if I've watched a movie before and re-watching it with you. Haha.
But you can probably read it from my face when some scenes you should be paying close attention to are coming. It does show. That's somehow a spoiler in a way. Haha.
Movies aside.
It's the start of my long leave today.
And it should also mark the first day of my soul-searching. I hope.
There's just questions and thoughts I hadn't been able to deal with enough courage.
I think it's time I tackle those now.
I don't know... probably going through some kinda movie trend phase or something.
This Is It : Michael Jackson x 2
2012 x 2
As if GSC hasn't got enough patrons to make money from. Had to contribute twice to the same movie somemore... Not complaining though. And I think I'm a good movie date. I don't provide you with spoilers if I've watched a movie before and re-watching it with you. Haha.
But you can probably read it from my face when some scenes you should be paying close attention to are coming. It does show. That's somehow a spoiler in a way. Haha.
Movies aside.
It's the start of my long leave today.
And it should also mark the first day of my soul-searching. I hope.
There's just questions and thoughts I hadn't been able to deal with enough courage.
I think it's time I tackle those now.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Funny lor...
Can I tell you something ridiculously funny?
You know, I'm on leave tomorrow. Like the most long-awaited leave ever.
And I can finally have a weekday - a week working day - that I could stay awake 'til late wee hours without worrying I'll be tired and fishing in the office tomorrow. I don't have to ring my alarm at 6:45am. I don't have to drag my butt off the bed with half eyes closed. Isn't that supposed to be the best weekday to look forward to, ever?
But you know what?
I.Have.To.Feel.God.Damn.Sleepy.Now.
Yes. NOW. It's only like 10:15pm!
I don't even go to sleep this early on my working days ok!
Sigh... wasted!
You know, I'm on leave tomorrow. Like the most long-awaited leave ever.
And I can finally have a weekday - a week working day - that I could stay awake 'til late wee hours without worrying I'll be tired and fishing in the office tomorrow. I don't have to ring my alarm at 6:45am. I don't have to drag my butt off the bed with half eyes closed. Isn't that supposed to be the best weekday to look forward to, ever?
But you know what?
I.Have.To.Feel.God.Damn.Sleepy.Now.
Yes. NOW. It's only like 10:15pm!
I don't even go to sleep this early on my working days ok!
Sigh... wasted!
Monday, November 23, 2009
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