To qiu qian.
To witness dear friends' ROM.
To take nice photos.
Today, I was there for solely one purpose.
And that is to seek solace.
To confess that I needed solace, and that I needed peace of heart.
I don't see myself as anywhere near religious.
But for some reasons today, it struck me loud & clear that I needed to be there.
Like of everything that's making me feel troubled, this was the only thing that stood out clearly.
Perhaps it was simply because I needed that positive & calming vibe or aura to enter me.
It took me this long to realize that this clogged & clouded mind has been expanding cumulatively.
Over the months. Over the years maybe.
And I'd fail to recognize this, let alone deal with it with much courage.
Was I in denial? I don't know.
But I do know this is not something I could just simply reach out & heal. Not just like that.
I wonder if mid-life crises that people actually go through, is of the same nature.
Have I been bottling up too much that it has become too overwhelming?
Or have I just been weak emotionally that I couldn't weather too much of breakdown phases?
I don't know.
But I do know that being self-contained in such periods have probably taken its toll on me.
That I've probably utilize my maximum quota of EQ to deal with things, and I haven't been allowing myself the time to recharge.
Believe it or not, this new realization has brought me to actually google up 'Depression' today and read up on symptoms of it.
It was a difficult acknowledgment - admitting that I could possibly be facing depression myself.
As if being anxious wasn't enough, I actually scored a high side of the listed symptoms.
Do you know how people always claim "If you're able to identify you're having depression, then you're not really in depression yet"?
Wrong.
For my realization was fortunately early.
I learnt today that there are generally three types of depression :
1. Non-melancholic depression - mainly caused by psychological factors, the most common type that affects one in four females, one is six males over their lifetime.
2. Melancholic depression - primarily caused by biological factors.
3. Psychotic depression - the most severe of all.
And I come to learn now how important "me" time always is...
How you should never deny yourself if there's a need to feel - to be angry, to be sad, to fret, to feel guilt.
How you should never deny yourself all these and get them over & done with. And then, move on - healthily, without the emotional baggage.
I now know that if this is left unattended, the magnitude of how it can amplify itself, is as harmless as it is of a crime itself.
I'm hoping, that positiveness can be regained.
Fingers crossed.
