A Boy And A Wolf

My horoscope for the day reads :
"Feeling more withdrawn, you're now either engrossed in the past or past mistakes contact you. There's no rush to do anything this week. Take time to follow your intuition, get in touch with your inner self and respect your dreams. Meditation could also help to calm old hurts."

It freaks the shit out of me sometimes, when horoscope readings can be so right & accurate.

I wonder how much more of this looks real to people.
I feel like I'm playing a role in a dramatic plot in the series.
You've heard of the story of a boy and a wolf.
Will I survive as the boy, if I'm yelling for the third time?
Will people still believe me?

If Only

If only there was a miracle,
If only there was no reality, no facts,
If only there was no difference in our current lives,
If only there was no distance,
If only our foundation was strong,
If only we were mutual,
If only we were compatible,
If only we complimented each other,
If only we'd not given up,
If only we'd made things right,
If only we'd loved each other enough,
If only we could turn back time,
If only things could be different,
If only all the if's don't have to exist... it would've been the most beautiful possible happy ending.

Of Stories In Songs

When I was going through bad times in the recent months...

如果你也听说 有没有想过我

像普通旧朋友 还是你依然会心疼我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多

懂我的人就你一个

想到你想起我 胸口依然温热

**************************

When I was painfully missing you...

Hey 我真的好想你

太多的情绪 没适当的表情

最想说的话我(应)该从何说起

你是否也像我一样在想你

**************************

When I found some comfort & strength enough to let go...

与其让你在我怀中枯萎

宁愿你犯错后悔
让你飞向梦中的世界

留我独自伤悲

与其让你在我爱中憔悴

宁愿你受伤流泪
我非要你尝尽了苦悲

才懂真情可贵

*********************

When I felt sane enough to rationalize fate...

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到酸了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？
我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

*********************

When I thought of how we'd gone wrong...

又站在你家的门口我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候

还能多久

*********************

Of the times when I felt how impossible it is to let go...

你给的依靠 我放不掉

你给的微笑 还在嘴角

我的骄傲 是你的好

我想回报 你却转身走掉

*********************

Of the times when I wanted so much to see you, but did not...

有一種想見不敢見的傷痛 有一種愛還埋藏在我心中

我只能把你 放在我的心中

這一種想見不敢見的傷痛 讓我對你的思念越來越濃

我卻只能把你 把你放在我心中

對你的聲音 你的影 你的手

我發誓說我沒有忘記過

*********************

Of the times I needed words of encouragement to stay rational...

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手

你有自由走我有自由好好过

解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走

这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦

*********************

我开始害怕

我真的好害怕。

如果我真的放不下你，我该这么办？

如果几年后，我还是一样的那么爱着你，我又该这么办？

我好害怕面对。面对陌生的未来，面对没有你在我身旁的将来。

我说过我会努力。可是我真的可以吗？

It's The Final Curtain Call

You know what's funny?
That it feels like I'm breaking up all over again.
Only this time, on a clearer note, and in a somewhat matured way. The right way of putting this is, matured, at least, in our terms.

Last night marks a two-way communication, something which we've lost so long ago. So long that I wish I could turn back time to make things right again where it had gone wrong.
I'm feeling such heavy mood today, I guess it's only ascertained by the fact that I know, this is an official cue for us to now part ways. I've wondered why I'd never wanted to take this conversation to the next level. I guess deep down I didn't want to see this day coming.

Just earlier yesterday, a good friend of mine told me, "That's your problem, you're digging your own grave, and now you're plunging deeper and deeper into your own grave. You're supposed to emerge stronger, living better, looking at a positive and brighter side of things, but you're only getting more and more dejected. You're letting me down." He was right, I knew.

You know what's the worse part of all?
It's how I've not realised, and I've taken for granted, how much all these are affecting our mutual friends and draining their energy away. I've failed to foresee how we're putting them into very difficult positions in between us. And it's now my call, to take a step ahead for not making things worse.

Sigh...
God, please guide me through the right way, and make me a stronger person.
Please give me strength, and courage, to endure everyday as I go.
Please help me be a better person to weather the storm everyday.

今天的战斗

我很讨厌我自己这样。

飘飘荡荡的。

我真是搞不懂你爱人的方式。

关于你，我实在不能够很彻底的放下。

为什么？

即使有的是勇气，理智，疲惫的心，我竟然还是没办法。

我很想知道上天到底安排了什么样的计划，什么样的缘分，什么样的命运。

我好好奇，也很害怕。

我真的能够顺利通过这次考验，渡过这次难关马？

我真的可以吗？

Entagled

Last four months have been one of the most complicating and difficult phases I've ever been through. Not counting the months that will continue to be. The thought of discovering myself, and then found that I was actually lost, and re-discovering myself, and getting lost again, then found myself again, and... well, you get the picture.

Sometimes you've been using the same approach to handle the same issues for years. Somehow that would be the very same indication that it's time you start using a totally different approach to tackle it thereafter.

It's been a while... yet the wound's as fresh as if it was only yesterday. I constantly tried not to go there. To relive that same misery that was months ago. And everyday is an effort of relinquishing the fort that still holds parcels and pieces of treasured importance entwined between two lives. The very same two lives who, in the course of nature, drifts apart. Such prominence, such synergy.

I hope in a few months down the road, I'd be able to tell, what is, and what's not. And have a clearer answer to myself.

WTF

I'm so damn pissed and sick of KL's public transport system.

Like how many times it has to breakdown in a month?!

2, maybe 3. At least.

That's like bloody 24 to 36 times of breaking down in a year on average!

Isn't there supposed to be enough justification to get proper maintenance done already?

And for god's sake, it has to always decide to breakdown at the wrongest time.

Like this month to speak, the two times that it broke down happened to be,

a) When it's peak hours in the morning where everyone needs to commute to work.

And I'm supposed to be attending training. No prizes for who guessed it right, I was late!

b) When I'm drop-dead tired, almost on the verge of falling sick, late at night!

Aren't all these things supposed to be convenient and safe for the people to ride on?

What are we people supposed to do?!

We're only left with two choices. It's either,

a) We drive a car to get around KL, and we get stuck in unnecessary jams until we go crazy and pull all our hair out, until we go botak.

b) We take the trains, and expect it to breakdown every now and then as they please to. And then we're late for whatever meetings, appointments, whatsoever.

Either way, we're just screwed!

If I'm in an emergency and dying, and needed to rely on their efficiency to save my life, I'd rather die sooner in peace, rather than torture myself on my way to the hospital. That's if I ever reach there in time before I die.

Bengang giler!!

Soul Mates

Do you believe, in soul mates?

Not the kind who completes your sentence, or shares exactly the same common interests with you.

But the kind whom, for some reasons, at the wrongest time ever, with the wrongest combination of all, finds yourself destined with.

Share your thoughts with me if you have.

Tell me how it feels like.

Tell me if it's like what the love novels, stories, dramas and movies tell you.

Tell me if it feels real.

Tell me if it makes sense.

Tell me is it really true, that you just know it when you've found one?

And tell me, if you both end up spending the rest of your lifetime together.

I'm open for stories to listen to. : )

This Is Not Getting Anywhere...

I'm not proud of what I've become.

Not proud of the hatred that's eventually growing inside of me.

I felt unjustified. I don't like being hurt this way. I don't like being ridiculed this way.

All these things I'm hearing, all these things I'm seeing, all these things I'm knowing...

Everything you're doing is like an insult to the trust I've had towards you. An insult towards me.

I see myself turning into this hopeless person who don't believe at all, in fantasies, in fairy tales, in happily ever afters... yet, still, I find it so hard to stop the process of becoming one such stereotyped person.

I've lost my faith. Altogether.

I'm turning myself into a failure. A major one.

I've stopped asking why for a long time now. But I want to ask now, why?

Why, of all people that's in your life, why choose me ultimately, to disappoint?

Can't you see? I'm just a normal gal. I'm no stronger than any other gals you know. In fact I'm the weakest when it comes to you.

Don't I, deserve some peace of mind and some peace of heart?

The Way I Am, For Now

Okay, very quick thoughts.

I think I'm going to be myself for now.

I don't know why... but today as I was on my way home from work, amidst all my usual tangled up web-cluttered thoughts, I had this sudden question, "Why am I trying so hard to be someone I'm not?"

I think I must've had too much to analyze throughout the months. Too much to sort out. So it just hit me in a halt.

I don't think I am weighing the judgment of everything I do now. But it's not really relief either. I don't quite know what the exact description is of how it feels to me.

I guess it's really, being myself, less restriction, the way I am. For now.

Shi Fu Wantan Noodles @ Cheras

Spent my Saturday noon having lunch at this restaurant over at Cheras, near Leisure Mall.

Not gonna do a long write up on this one, let the photos tell you stories instead!

(Haha, actually am malas to write today).

We sat by the entrance, near the check out counter. This was our view - Check out their oriental/nyonya kopitiam-like theme.

Taken this jiu pai, thanks to BC for pointing out jiu pai is the most significant picture I should be taking. Haha. It reads Shi Fu Yun Tun Mian, I think. =D

The many newspapers/magazine reviews framed & lined up on its wall.

Gkai had this. Looked really yummy. Judging by how there was still leftover in the bowl despite his mighty appetite (and the number of tissues he had used up), I think it's quite spicy. Or at least for him. Haha.

And so... to ease his burning tongue, he ordered this. I kid you not, those red beans supply really looked like they're never-ending lor... Banyak lor...

My soya-cincau. To go with....

....THIS! I think it's called Second Spiciest Pan Mee or something along the lines.

This was the culprit that made me lao sai for the whole following day! Serious! Spicy until stomach also burning lor... (I know I know, siapa makan cili dia rasa pedas. Literally). But was really tasty!

Their version of fu zhuk yi mai.

The must-try wantan mee! (BC's verdict : quite good!)

Soup that goes along with the wantan mee.

Okay folks! That's it for today's lazy post! =)

My Insurance, My Assurance

I'm sorry.

But I can't afford to be sympathetic.

And I can't afford to let loose myself to care too much.

Not this time.

It makes me weak. Very weak.

I had to build this wall. I needed to protect myself.

And you, of all person, should know why.

If I've came across as sarcastic, or at any point of time, to an extent of being mean, even at the wrong-est time, even at a time when you needed me most, or so it appeared to be, it's only because I knew I'm drawn to you, and I needed to withdraw.

For if I don't, the cycle repeats itself.

It's not the best of possible outcomes, it's not that I don't feel the pain in me when I'm withdrawing myself from you, it's just, the only way possible... for me to be able to move on.

I'm not the most diplomatic person when it comes to emotions. I'm a feeler, not a thinker.

And it's also because, of all person, you knew this.

So I could only think, and strategize. It was my only chance, on survival.

If this was a game of chess, I would've lost my kings and queens for a million times. Defeated.

But for once, even if it means losing my king & queen, at the least of it, I'd like my castle to be defended.

I can't be waiting for a forever that would never come. Eventually, someday, you'll have to go, again.

At the least of it, I reinforced your earlier thoughts & decisions that we were just wrong for each other. Perhaps that's exactly what the both of us needed to continue to be convinced of.

It's my only insurance, and my only assurance.

Awesome Skies Today

Teehee! I'm loving me new camera. =D

Took some shots just this evening when I got home.

Nice hor the sky today?

It was actually raining madly earlier, but, but... lucky me - still in time to capture some shots of today's awesome dusk. I love the colours. (And no, it's not because it looks like shi jie mo ri). Haha.

And this, is how my very twilight view looks like, on occasional lucky days. Tell me KL hasn't look so awesome to you in a very long time. Please? Haha.

Oh right. I have to get started studying up the manual functions and getting used to those!

It has been on the list of "Nvm lah, next week lah" for a while now! Yikes!

孫燕姿 [Stephanie Sun Yan Zi] - 我不難過

I love this song so so much now.

Sorry, am emo. Emo until can "out of the blue"-ly recall some very old songs to relate. Bleh..

到底什么时候才能解脱？

我并不相信世界上有童话的存在。

或许这一句话会很现实，可是我却觉得很真实。

是我这一刻的心态吗？

其实我心里很清楚明白，你，我，如果都一直同样的保持彼此的固执，都不改变，我们不可能会在某一个未来的某一天，遇上同一条路，而重新走进彼此的生活圈。

曾经有了许多的疑问，我都好像想通了，“根本不重要”。

即使答案是感人的，也不重要。

我也明白，我开心幸福的责任，不在于你对我的承诺，而是在于我对我自己的承诺。

要开心，要快乐，要坚强。

只是为什么，心还会酸，眼泪偶然还回流，心情偶然还回荒唐。

对你的影子还会念念不忘。

到底什么时候才能解脱？

Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant, Kuantan

This is how I spent my very first day of 2010.

Dinner with the family, at this locally famous chinese seafood restaurant called Muhibbah Seafood Restaurant. We somehow have a habit to call it Sha Yu Restaurant, and I'll tell you why in a bit.

The point is... if you happen to visit Kuantan someday in the future, don't forget to drop by and give this a go. Confirm no regrets wan, haha. It's a little difficult to locate though, as it's sitting right in the hub of an industrial area. It's almost impossible to reach for its many narrow turnings leading to this restaurant, but come 7-ish, it never fails to be fully thronged by hungry locals (and some from the outstations). It helps to make a reservation before you go, you can even pre-order your dishes, else be prepared to wait at minimum 30-45 mins if the crowd happens to be big.

Doing a test shot of the plate of peanuts served as typical starter in most chinese restaurants.

Fried sotong served with Lingam-alike chilli sauce. Sadly, unlike every other day, this wasn't very satisfying that night.

This, my friend, is the reason we call the restaurant Sha Yu Restaurant. Don't miss their stir-fried shark, as it's their jiu pai (specialty) dish. I've not tried any nicer servings of this to date. =)

You have got to have some greens on the table.

And yes, this. We indugled in yummy crabs that evening.

Okay, enough of food for now. Erm, sadly, I don't have the address to this restaurant. I mean, I've always taken for granted we've been there countless times, so it never occured to me to actually take note of the real address, except for that few landmarks nearby, just so I don't lose my way. Anyway, if you are interested to drop by, give me a call. I should be able to lead you there. : )