Unwrapped, Finally..

I've had this for months now. It's been sitting on my shelf, and somehow, I never got to unpacking and toggling around with it until a couple of days ago. It's just gotten its official first battery charge in fact.

I guess life has a funny way of unfolding events.

I had not really talked about how this was my birthday gift earlier in August. Or how a thorough surprise's been planned for me to come home to a bouquet of pink roses in waiting that very day. Or how my birthday cakes this year were few little cute cupcakes from Delectable's. Or how I'd spent my birthday dinner over at Lookout Point, Ampang - a very simple dinner overlooking a spectacular night scene of the city.

I've talked about none of those. Partly because I thought it'd be effortlessly painful just to ransack that piece of memory, let alone talk about it. The months are passing by pretty quickly, and I think I've come around to my senses of making peace with my past. At least for now.

I wish now I have photos to show & capture those very moments. Unfortunately though, my PC's crashed before I've had a chance to have them uploaded here on this blog. Photos, videos, archives - gone, without a trace. So I guess my best bet would be to keep them all in here (*pats chest where heart is*) and here (*points at head to where the brain is*).

So yes, life's just funny that way. Life is, fate is.

But if it's not too late, and if you're reading this, though I doubt you are (and you know who you are), thank you for all the wonderful birthdays you've shared and spent with me, throughout the years.

Cynicism Backfired

If you've been watching dramas, you've probably come across skeptical scenes that go like these...

Scene A : Lead actress's wedding ring fell off her finger out of a sudden. Apparently, lead actor's met an accident elsewhere. In some circumstances, probably even halfway across the globe.

Scene B : Lead actress performing violin on stage. Suddenly, violin strings broke and fell apart. And scene went on to show lead actor's heart surgery wasn't successful, and he breathed his last breath.

Scene C : Lead actor's favourite watch or something suddenly rosak. And scene went on to show lead actress fainted along the streets, somewhere.

Okay, you get the picture.

I've been quite cynical when it comes to scenes like these. I've always thought, "Where's the logic?" and I've always assumed scriptwriters/directors/producers add these to make the drama scenes more flavourful. You know, things that make after-effects long lasting in dramas.

That is, until last 3 months. When I faced one such scenario myself.

I didn't quite see it coming. At that point of time. But now that I recall, I guess I'd been given a sign. The night before things happened, I broke a vase. A very nice special blue vase. It just broke. Like, it was on the shelf, steadily, had always been there, in that same position. Then all of a sudden, without strong wind (window wasn't even opened) or whatever, it just lost its balance and fell and broke. 'Til now, I still couldn't quite figure out what was the cause, or what went wrong with it.

Funny isn't it? Even more cynical to have put it this way.

But yea, now I think the scenes that were added to give dramas more uumph power, do make sense. Hmm...

李聖傑 [Li Sheng Jie] - 古老的大鐘

This song brought back my childhood memories!

I still remember when I was little, my piano teacher from Yamaha Music School actually taught us this. The title as I knew it was always "My Grandfather's Clock". And the lyrics in English goes :

My grandfather's clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It was bought on the morn
Of the day that he was born,
It was always his treasure and pride;
But it stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
Ninety years without slumbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
His life seconds numbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
It stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.

Ok, the real song has a much longer lyrics & verse to it. But this was what I learnt as a kid - the shorter version of it. Never would I thought someone would re-sing it and make it into the mando-pop top hit charts. I guess that's the trend now. Improvise oldies and make it brand new again.

Take It Away!

Oh no!

Take it away from me! Now!

I meant that plastic card that made wonders.

A friend of mine calls it a wonder card.

Such convenience, such temptation, such damnation!

Christmas shopping should be made a sin. Haha.

That's it. Banning myself from using the card.

It's going to be a "Christmas Resolution". And Christmas will be over, in, erm, a few hours.

Hope you folks had fun celebrating Christmas. Congratulations if you made the celebration much healthier than mine, without needing to use any plastic cards.

Oh I think my tooth's acting up. Probably time to go visit the dentist soon.

But if I needed that crowning, I think my resolution will have to go down the water. Sigh.

I'm Excluded From A Tradition This Year

Every year this day for the past six years, I've been part of a tradition.

Tradition of a family, of a company, of a business association.

This year, I'm excluded.

I ought to learn how to get used to things as they change.

Adapt to new habits. New practices. New processes. New thoughts.

I've been too involved. Deeply-engaging and extensively-committing involved.

Nevertheless, Merry Christmas folks!

I hope your Christmases are as jolly as they could be. :)

If you're travelling for the holiday season, safe journey, safe trip!

To Dye Or Not To Dye?

A little help from all of you please...

Haha.

In view of the coming new year (and we're all supposed to embrace the new year with positive changes!), here's a little question I wanna throw, and *hope* I could get a little help with answers. Hehe.

Ok, here goes.

Should I :

a) Dye my hair?

b) Do rebonding?

c) Cut short? - as in not boy cut short, the slightly above shoulder length short la..

d) All of the above!

Kindly (please, please) drop me a comment on your valued thoughts. Haha.

Arigato gozaimasu!

林俊傑 [Lin Jun Jie] - 表達愛

Ok. I find this song quite sweet & romantic! :)

Flashbacks

I honestly... don't really like flashbacks.
The glimpses of sound promises, that vibe of happiness.
There's some sort of aversion, repugnance, whatever you call it, towards that very vibe. 反感.
'Coz it confuses me. It confuses my standpoint of view.

I wanted God to prove me wrong. To show me that you and I were really never meant to be.
That to the end of this chapter, it's a blessing in disguise.
And I wanted God to give me nothing left to prove, on traces of me loving you still.
That when I look back at this some years later, I'll be able to tell "you were right, to have let this go". Even if it's the case of either one of us hasn't found happiness yet by then.
It should only be that way.
'Coz I don't like recognizing that my self esteem & confidence's been severely injured throughout the years when I was with you. Now, that effect is somehow slowly settling in.
I don't like acknowledging how I don't find joy in a lot of things I used to be happy about anymore.

I used to think that the very minute I give up on my relationship, it would mean I give up reaping what I sow. And it's only stupid that I do so.
But now, I'd rather be in this position. Giving up. It only feels more sane.
The only setback is, I think I've underestimated my reliance towards you.
And I never really thought, the territory of dependency can be so overwhelming still, in a life that's been designed & accustomed with a habit without you in it over the months, and in the very heart that's been punctured with a hole.

I felt this very solemn melody as I write. : (
It's by Shi Xin Hui, titled "你给的".

Splitting Thoughts

I really do think I have a split mind.
How could the determination fickle so recklessly.
Whatever happened to the logic, the balance, the character of strength, the course of nature?

What was it really? Shouldn't time be de-magnifying things like that?
Time is passing so quickly already. So what was it?
I don't wanna be making vain efforts. Not this time.

A lot of things are starting to get clearer now.
And a lot of things are making more sense now.
I'm slowly picking up pace now.
Though I know the remembrance is here to stay.
And in a way, ignorance does help. In a good or bad way.
I guess for now at least.

Everyone, Please Say Hi To...

I should've posted this entry days ago when my excitement's all hyped up!
(I'm quite sure the post would be better then, rather than doing it now with a tired mind and body, desiring for nothing more but the inviting bed right there in my room! :p)
But, better late than never.

So everyone, say hi to....

My new boyfriend.

Yea, I'm gonna make him my new boyfriend. Maybe I should even start to think of a name to call it. Haha. You see the desperation?

Anyway, taken a few test shots to start off with.
No manual settings adjustment as yet, these are all on Auto.
Will make it a point to study up manual settings soon!

Randomly taken from the shop where I bought my new boyfriend from.

Snow falling at Pavilion's entrance, everynight throughout the Christmas season, for half an hour, from 8pm onwards.
(And yes, I did see that head blocking)

Now, moving on to food shots.

Tell me if it looks yummier than it should seem. Haha.

All taken from Pavilion's Food Republic.

That's all for this round folks! Hoping to have more nice pics rolling. *Fingers crossed*

林宥嘉 [Yoga Lin You Jia] - 說謊

Wanna share a nice song. = )

Confessions Of An, Err.. "Almost" Shopaholic

It was the most fulfilling retail therapy in a very long time! *wide grin*
Talk about satisfaction. Haha.
In all seriousness, I know that this much ecstasy is only temporary. And it will wear off when the monthly card statement comes. *cold sweat*

Nevertheless, I hereby confess, that whatever you do, and whatever it is, I'm so very convinced that money don't buy happiness. That's the golden rule, and it applies to everything in life. Yes, everything. It buys you pleasure, but it doesn't buy you happiness, for real.

Taking shopping as an example (I wanted to share a more serious tone of real-life examples I have in mind, but let's not bore you too much), you spend that much money to err... obtain/achieve that much satisfaction. It probably is a fair and worthwhile exchange for that very moment. But no, it doesn't heal that gap/hole inside you and make you complete.

So I wanna quote, and re-quote the very simple rule of all.
That the most important and expensive things in life, can't be bought with money.

Moving On?

I don't really know if I'm living in denial. Or avoidance for that matter.
A lot of times I just learn not to revisit the pain.
At every given chance to reminisce, I chose to learn to turn around and walk away from it.
And often, that felt better. Better, because the very act of walking away convinced me that the past will eventually start to seem distant, shadowy and blurry as I go.
It takes practice. And hopefully, practice makes perfect.
Sometimes I'd think living is easy.
But dealing with the pain in full force is like suicide.
But if I don't, then when will I ever learn to recover?
And when can this hollow deep down be healed?
When will I then, be whole and complete again to embrace the future out there?

Dreading Tomorrow

Tomorrow don't wanna go work, can or not?!

So sad lah, have to return to work. I don't feel like I've had enough rest.
The thought of returning to a pile of unfinished workload which is of almost 2 weeks old - Depressing!! I can almost feel the stress already. Sigh.

I've officially donated over xxx to Uncle Lim over the weekend.
In return of my generous donation, I get a lung full of smoke from inhaling second hand cigarette from the smokers. Hair still smells of smoke after effortful shampoo washes.

Can't wait for my next holiday!! *Pray hard*

December's Here

Not going to continue giving titles starting with 'Staycation Day xx' anymore.

I've officially lifted off work-stress over my shoulders. Finally.
Think I'm starting to sound like a workaholic, working throughout my leave days.
Not that I want to, but datelines left me no choice in particular.
Such sacrifices I make... yet I don't even know if this is a job or a career by its own means.

Ransacking my PC through the song collection.
It's been such a long time since I last enjoy just listening to songs. Random songs. Old songs.
Feels nostalgic revisiting nice songs that used to be so 'hit' and 'popular' over the years, but have been abandoned by the trend ever since.

I've forgotten how I've loved watching the city lights on a quiet night.
Or how I've loved just going for a drive in a car, and watch the sceneries of anything swiftly pass by.
I did both today. These were the times that felt so natural to lose myself in deep thoughts and rediscover myself.
Good to have some 'me' time, finally.

Bought a book yesterday to dive into during the next few days of my leaves.
Mitch Albom's 'Have A Little Faith'.
Let's hope it's inspiring enough to lift my spirits. :-)

Ahh, December's here. Christmas will be here soon. And New Year's soon after.
2009 hasn't necessarily been a great year, but let's hope it can end great nevertheless.
Let's also hope 2010 can kick off great too.

Staycation Day 5 : Of Reminiscence

Thank God for the friends whom I could count on.
For if it wasn't for them, I would've been hanging and clinging by the moment.
The gap of hole deep down hasn't really gotten much better.
Every little step I take ahead, feels like lifting a big rock off the pathway.
Some days I manage, and some days I don't.
Feeling sane could be a rarity these days.
I'm praying for more courage and clarity each and everyday as I go.
And I'm praying, that I do not lose my way, nor get carried away and lose my values along the way.
Two full months hasn't since felt like forever, yet so much has changed.
If you were to draw the exaggeration of these twist of events on a chart, it would've been a hyperbole in my 25 years of life.
Staying strong is one thing. Being able to distinguish from right to wrong, facts to emotions, truth to lies, is another.
Denial could be a lot easier to deal with. The hardest part is to take the blow, as it is.
If this was a test, it's definitely much tougher than any of the finance final papers I've sat for back in uni days. And back then I thought failing the paper was doom's day. Those fade in comparison now, they seem miniscule and no where near comparison.
I wasn't joking when I said I had very thin hope of what lies in the future. It certainly did feels so. Every bit as grey as it sounds.
The art of life is so full of vague vulnerabilities. Play it like a game, with all the preparation installed, and you still don't get to choose who wins the game, or who plays a good game at the end of it.

Staycation Day 3 & 4 : Further Re-discovery

This has got to be a joke.
I'd been having bad dreams consecutively for the weekend.
Last night's was a maze.
I was stuck. And lost. In a maze.
I couldn't find my way out. I was struggling. And I was afraid.
I think I actually hear voices of people I know, trying to help. But they were so out of reach. And I got more afraid.

Please tell me this is not some kind of phsychological chain reaction.

***

我实在没有我想象中那么的坚强。
最近每天都做恶梦，看到不想看到的画面。
我有点害怕。
当我不用恨，不用气，只用真心来面对我自己，我确没办法镇定下来，没办法用平常心来面对这一切。
不想想起他，不想想起任何过去的事，可是我依然做不到。
我觉得自己真的很辛苦。
有点想要放弃的感觉。
很想就这样认输，不想斗下去了。

***

你知道吗，对我来说，我并不需要在每年的十一月二十七日才祝福你快乐。
如果生日是哪来祝福你快乐的话，那对我来说每天都是你生日。
或许你根本不在乎，也不在意。
或许李雪菱在你心目中，已经被取代了。
我搞不懂，对你深深，单纯，天真，放不下的爱，是我上辈子欠你的吗？是这样吗？
为什么要搞到自己那么累？搞到自己那么狼狈？
为什么我非要做好人不可？为什么我不把所有的一切告诉大家，让自己好过一点？为什么要那么伟大？
为什么到了这个时候，我还要那么保护她，关心她？
我好像也开始讨厌我自己，应许对你的这份爱来亏待自己。
我心里都很难过，你知道吗？
感觉上，我一直都在原地，没力量望前走，也没可能向后退。
我也很痛苦，你知道吗？
我也快要崩溃，你都知道吗？

My Subconscious Mind

I was awaken by a bad dream this morning.

If dreams reflect the subconscious minds, then there's nothing more real about how I feel, than what I've dreamt of.

In the dream, I was thrown into a scenario, and forced to face, something I knew deep down I did not want to see coming in real life.
I was watching you from afar. On your wedding day. In that dream, it felt like it's only been a month or two since we've broken up. As fresh the wound as it is in real life. And you were getting married. In an instant, it was only my natural reaction that I didn't want you to catch a glimpse of me nearby. So I went into hiding. Behind some tall gates. I recognise where this place is. It's your house, back in Kulai. It's so much contrast, the mood of the celebration against the heartbeat of mine. Everything else was in red. The red celebrative ribbons decorated all over the house, on the cars, the symbols of double happiness, everything was celebrative. But it felt solemn to me. As I peeped through the gaps between the tall gates, I saw you kiss the bride. And then I recognise who the bride was. I've seen her somewhere before. In between the talks of participants of the celebration, I overheard that she was pregnant. There's some sort of satisfaction emitted from that smile of yours. And nothing cuts through my heart more than watching just that. And all of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted when the bride's flowers were tossed and flung to the direction where I was hiding. And I so desperately hid away, just so that I'm not seen.

I'm a coward like that. In my dreams. And in real life.

The scenes switched quickly, from that to something worse.
This time, I'm having a close up view. Of you and her. Exchanging sweet talks and sweet gestures with each other. Happy faces. I recognise that blue bedsheet, that blue Ikea pillow we bought together, the same thick blue floral curtains your mum has hung for you, that same ray of sunlight shining through the windows. That same exact scene where I was when I was there. In real life. I remembered wanting to shut my eyes wishing badly I wasn't there, but it was as if I was forced to see and endure all these, right in front of me, there and then. I remembered wishing someone could've saved me out of there. I remembered starting to cry. I remembered pleading in my heart, "Stop. Please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see this."

***

Love, if it's something I could've let go easily with hatred, it could've been the easiest way out.

You have no idea what amount of tears I've shed, for this love of mine. And the love for you.

How much pain, it would have brought me to realise, it should be a relief letting this love go.

How much courage, it would have taken me to say, I'm giving you up. For good.

Please stop, haunting me. Please allow me sounding sleeps. Please allow me sweet dreams.

I want to live. And I want a happy life.

It's Still Day 2

I haven't been behaving today.

I realise my efforts of staying strong through this do occasionally go to waste.
Every now and then, there's just glimpses of the past, making their way through to the present.
Am I... allowed, to stumble my way so oftenly, along the road to recovery?
There must be a reason why giving you up can be so difficult.
There must also be a reason, why is it that I'm exceptionally vulnerable when it comes to you.
It's not like I've never been through breakups before. It's not like I've never had failed relationships before. And it's not like, I've never had my heart broken before. And it's certainly not like, I've never been through worse than this before.
But there must be a reason, why the heart is particularly fragile, when it comes to you.
I guess I must be able to accept this fact, before I could really move on, on my own again.
Accept, that despite the anger and hatred I have within, that it obviously shows I do love you.
Accept, that I'm also angry at myself, for still loving you, after all you've done.
It could've been beautiful, if it worked out the right way, with mutual respect, with mutual understanding.
At the rate this is going, there is no way, things can be undone.
I think I really should start unwrapping the layers of protection I have had for the relationship.
I really want to learn to say goodbye, to close this chapter, for good.

放过我的过去，也放过我自己。

Staycation Day 2 : Mind Search

"No one knows your relationship better than you do".
It's really true what people say.

It's an irony.
It's only when I stopped thinking, that I got my answer.
It's only when I stopped talking, that the inner voice starts speaking.

I know that today marks an important event.
But it's no longer important as it should be.
If what you're wishing for are all the successes, I'd rather be wishing you a clear conscience and clarity of mind as you grow. Growing a year old should mark wisdom. And wisdom earns you respect. If wisdom is what you've achieved, then I would've shared my blessings with you. But the respect you've so successfully earned in years, is beginning to wear thin. So is my patience, it's wearing thin too. So is my generosity.

When I gaze into a mirror and see a reflection of myself, what I see is my true self, my true conscience. There never was any hidden agendas. I smile when I'm genuinely happy, and I cringe when I'm genuinely worried and doubtful, and my tears fall when I'm genuinely sad and disappointed. That's just me, my true self. My reflections don't lie.

But I'm curious. What do you see? Do you still know the reflection you're staring back at? How exactly does it feel, staring at a stranger - your own reflection, and not knowing who that person is anymore? Don't you miss the real reflection of yours?

Mind search aside.
Guess what? Got a call from my manager today saying that there's been an error on my leaves revision, so I'm supposed to have less leaves than what I was planned for! Looks like I have to do without the Xmas break. Darn.

Staycation Day 1

I've been doing a lot of doubles lately.
I don't know... probably going through some kinda movie trend phase or something.

This Is It : Michael Jackson x 2

2012 x 2

As if GSC hasn't got enough patrons to make money from. Had to contribute twice to the same movie somemore... Not complaining though. And I think I'm a good movie date. I don't provide you with spoilers if I've watched a movie before and re-watching it with you. Haha.
But you can probably read it from my face when some scenes you should be paying close attention to are coming. It does show. That's somehow a spoiler in a way. Haha.

Movies aside.
It's the start of my long leave today.
And it should also mark the first day of my soul-searching. I hope.
There's just questions and thoughts I hadn't been able to deal with enough courage.
I think it's time I tackle those now.

Funny lor...

Can I tell you something ridiculously funny?

You know, I'm on leave tomorrow. Like the most long-awaited leave ever.
And I can finally have a weekday - a week working day - that I could stay awake 'til late wee hours without worrying I'll be tired and fishing in the office tomorrow. I don't have to ring my alarm at 6:45am. I don't have to drag my butt off the bed with half eyes closed. Isn't that supposed to be the best weekday to look forward to, ever?

But you know what?

I.Have.To.Feel.God.Damn.Sleepy.Now.
Yes. NOW. It's only like 10:15pm!
I don't even go to sleep this early on my working days ok!

Sigh... wasted!

心中的黑白

是痴心，
也是知心。

是感觸，
也是感动。

是幸福，
也是心碎。

是深愛著，
也是深恨著。

是贴心的，
也是陌生的。

是快乐，
也是难过。

是希望，
也是失望。

是對的，
也是錯的，

是天使，
也是恶魔。

是你，你懂吗？

Doom's Day

See. If I'm one of those people in the 2012 movie characters, I'd be the one who'd be the first to die.

***Warning : Don't read further if you've not watched the movie and don't want to catch a spoiler here***

Anyway, I was saying, I'd be one of the first few people who die.
You remember that scene where California first went down? I'd be there - dead already.
Oh no wait, I think I'd probably be dead by the time the supermarket cracked apart and I would've fallen into that gap of hole in between the cracks. Yea, I'd be there - dead.
Definitely won't go as far as Yellowstone. Or Santa Monica. Let alone reach Tibet, or board any arks.
No survival skills watsoever. Zero. Nada.

But watching the movie did make me think. Okay, maybe not just think. But think A LOT.
If I were facing doom's day in front of me, counting down by a few hours (or minutes, or seconds), what was the only thing I wanted to do, or what was the only thing I would think of.
People say your life flashes against your mind before you die. And during those moments when money and all materials are of worthless values, you'd see what you've been neglecting in your life flashing against you. And that those are the moments that you'll finally realise the things you've been appreciating most in your life but not know it all the while.

Yea, I know, this movie's got great after-effects. See, I'm still thinking of how to spend my 3 years before doom's day come. Hmm...

Indiscreet Blabbering

I'm curious.
Is there a way to delete some certain episode of memories?
Like, a drug, a medicine, an injection, or something... aside from the usually dramatic get-into-car-accident-and-lose-memory way. I scared later instead of losing memory I get paralysed or something... Don't want lor...

And no, I'm not suicidal.

It's not the best of wishes one could possibly be asking for.
But I want it, so badly.

How could this one person extensively equip me with so much pain, hurt, and hatred?

I'm not the most generous person when it comes to love.
If love is so selfless, then I'd be here, with open arms, welcoming, accepting, and forgiving.
But no, I'd rather love myself. And I chose to hate.

Hate, because I was a fool.
Hate, because I was blind.
Hate, because I know, I could've walked away, but I chose otherwise and faithfully believed.
And I said I chose. Because it was my choice, no one had pointed a gun at me asking me to make that option. So I alone was responsible for the choice I made.

I know it's a heavy declaration.
I just need an outlet. And I ought to be true to my heart when I say this.

But I promise myself I'll not lose myself.
No, not this time, not for this.

It's Not Worth It

Again. Yet, another again.

What's wrong with you, Sher Lin?

As if the fact is not obvious and clear enough to you, that he's changed!
Damn it, he's changed. Just accept it already!

Time and time again you have to find out things that hurt your feelings, crush your esteem, destroy your faith.
Don't you just feel you're not loving yourself enough?

Enough already.
Stop feeling miserable for things that you can't change already.
Stay awake, open your eyes wide to see, this is what it is, and this is who he is.
Wake up! And forget. Fast.

Living In The Present

I admit, some memories are never meant to be forgotten.
I love a lot of things about my memories.
And I love a lot of things about us.

Even then, I should treat myself well. And I should now live in the present.

我想我明白了，爱与恨是可以一起存在的。

我真的不知道，以后的某一天，我会不会对你微笑与祝福。

可是我知道的，是一定要努力忘记，努力过一个人的生活。

就算思念也要赶快把自己的情绪忘掉。

惟有这样，才可以学会爱自己。

谎言

不要对别人说谎，也不要对自己说谎。

你如果不喜欢我，你就别对我好。
因为你对我好，我会变成很贪心，会想要更多。

你如果不珍惜我，你就别对我说你珍惜。
因为我会很难过，你不诚实，你不在乎。

你如果不爱我，你就直接对我说你不爱我，别说你不知道。
因为我的泪不在于心痛心疼你不爱了，而是在于你没对自己坦白，也没对我坦白。

可是如果最后你真的还是觉得无法不说谎，那你就把你的谎言埋起来，永远都别让我发觉，别让我看见，别让我知道。
因为無限的失望，真的让我好累，让我觉得剩下的回忆也不值得保留。

The Fundamentals

I never knew it can get this scary... finding out a person changed.
It's disturbing to know how someone close has drifted away, drifted apart.
It's even more disturbing to know, how someone close is becoming a stranger, evolving day by day, at every tick of the clock needle, into someone you no longer recognize anymore.
Never ending disappointments can be so exhausting.

Yes, every life's path is written differently, uniquely.
It's about time I give up trying to change the course of nature.
You're not the same man I once fell in love with anymore. You no longer are that man.

Someday, you'll know. And someday, you'll see, the value of things you're giving up today, to achieve tomorrow.

I know it's a subjective measurement of success. I know that the significance of values may not be as great as it sounds. It doesn't promise you wealth, it doesn't promise you a majestic life.

But I also know, at least my subjectiveness comprehends the values of life I'm brought up with.
And though it doesn't promise me achivement heights that are measureable by obvious materials, it can promise me peace of the heart, the mind, and the simplest yet fundamental greatness.

And that I know, is the ultimate happiness.

Miracle

It's the one thing I have to agree on.
That I needed a miracle.

Not a miracle to recover, because I will. I know I will.
And I'll do that with my own blood & sweat, with my own effort.
I don't need a miracle to save me. I know I'll weather this through.

The miracle, is to change what can't be unchanged.
To erase what can't be erased.

I know me. And I know now.
This is me, and this is it.

I'm confident enough to know that I've been truthful to my heart. To myself, and to the people I treasure & appreciate. And with this, I know I'll not live with regrets.
I'm also confident enough to know that I'll win this battle. Over time you'll see, and you'll know that love & its goodness did not abandon you. You did.

I'm really glad all this is over.
I'm really glad this burden can finally be lifted off my weighing shoulders.

Not That Definite, Afterall

Flipping through my old sms-es, through my old photos, recalling through my old memories...
I realised they all had one thing in common. And it's the word old.

I know I've been hanging onto a past. A past that everyone knows would not transform into the current present times.

It seems that everyone around me knew this logic by heart. Everyone except me.
I'm still living in this time capsule, where I lock and freeze time, not wanting to go backwards nor move forward.

I feel so much mixed emotions running through me. Anger, disappointment, vulnerable, exposed, unprotected, drained, jaded, and countless more...

But with that, I know for a fact I'm no longer in denial. That I'd come to terms with what's happening that I know wouldn't change. I know there isn't any escape route, and that the pain had to be dealt with. Cold hard truth. Brutally. No other way.

I know, that times have changed. Circumstances have changed. That we have changed.
I've slowly learned that, you and I, we're not that definite, afterall.

I Surrender

If only I could find the right words to describe how I feel.
I'd no idea how many times I'd typed and hit backspace, re-typed, re-hit backspace, in finding the right words to express.

It's true when people say that trust and faith that's built within a lifetime, can be banished within minutes. All it really takes, is endless disappointments.

You really shouldn't have had.

你真的不应该。

就算你有多累，就算你有多想要放弃，就算你有多不爱我，就算你有多不想记得六年以来曾陪过你的我，你都不应该说那一些话。

对于大家，也许是潇洒的一面。可是对于我，是一根刺。

我开始怀疑，也开始了解，你并没有那么的在乎，对吧？

我真的投降。

I surrender.

够了, 真的够了。

突然间觉得自己真的好累。

好想找个方向，找个扩大的空间透透气。

不想在挣扎了。

够了。真的够了。

No Superwoman

It must've been the numbness.

For some reasons today, I have a heavy inclination to feel, that enough is enough.

That I've heard enough, seen enough, and consciously thought enough.

I've been plaguing myself with questions after questions, analyses after analyses, explanations after explanations, reasons after reasons, judgments after judgments, advices after advices, comforts after comforts.

Enough.

真的够了。

It must be the exhaustion kicking in.

I wonder how many times can a person sustain the same kind of injuries over and over again.

I am no superwoman. This I'm sure.

I Guess A Scar Is A Scar

I felt as if my past came to visit me today.
Someone by the name of Annie appeared in my facebook today.
She's a Johorean. Tell me it's a coincidence. Because she looked so alike, so similar.
Annie, Anne, every bit of that name... is strong enough to shake me to a rude awakening.
I don't even know her. It's forceful and compelling like that, that she's a stranger to me, but definitely not a stranger to my memory.
And after 2 years of burying this past behind me, it had to be dug out, today. And of all times, at times like these. Why?
We were not enemies, we never were. We never even knew each other.
We were just two random simple people on different parts of the world that were out there, looking for love.
But why, do I feel so scarred with this memory..?
And they say time heals everything.
But I guess, what they don't say is, a scar is left a scar over time.

Reflections Through The Screen

This came in for me from a good friend today. She's just heard about my recent breakup, and texted in to see if I was okay. Upon a few exchanges of smses, she wrote,

"Babe, one thing I've learned, we can't give up on anything. Be it work or personal, task or turmoil; when we get tired - which you are allowed to, by the way, one takes rest & carry on the effort. Nothing in life is easy. Remember if it is, then it's not heartfelt. Easy come, easy go! 6 years is surely a wonderful, beautiful phase of your prime youth that you've shared with him. So often we look at the good things, and continue to grunt about the not-so-good things. But it's the trying times that I believe makes a bond stronger. When it comes to affairs of the heart, no one's words is a comfort, no advice heals, nothing makes it better... That's just the brutal truth. So babe, you shut all those external voice and listen to the still voice from your heart. Right now, you are hurting and the thought in your mind could bounce against the voice from your heart... So for now, allow yourself to the pain. Once you've passed that, through all serenity, that silent still voice from within will deafen all logic & rationale. You are not being negative, only you know how your bond was & still probably is... He must be in your shoes too. Give it some time & say a prayer everyday for clarity of thought. Follow your heart, and most importantly, believe in it!"

As I teared reading these reflections through my handphone screen, I took her words to heart. Because no one could qualify to know life better than she did, after all the hardships she's gone through, and still empowered herself with such strength and clarity in mind. I knew she was right to have seen these through me. I finally came to understand, in a very simple context, and in a very uncomplicated manner, that it's okay to be tired. It is not a weakness, nor a sin to be tired. Because no one has ever promised that life's gonna be easy.

I wanted to script this down, so that I'll always remember the wisdom behind these words.
And I hope too, in it, I'll find solace & strength.

来不及的周年

六年前的今天，我们的故事就这样的开始了。
眨眼就过的六年。

我还记得，那时候的单纯，让我们爱到简单。
虽然争吵，即使生气，也可以很勇敢的原谅，很勇敢的继续爱下去。
我们是什么时候开始这么任性，这么忍心伤害对方？
是因为累了吗？是因为不爱了吗？
是不够决心，所以放弃吗？
还是，我们最爱的依然是自己，所以不肯包容？

假如，这是注定要发生的结果，
如果，你的存在会慢慢的在我生活中消失，
要是有一天，我真的忘记我们曾经贴着心，
我一定要记住，我今天，这一刻，真心的，想对你说，我爱你。

雪菱，加油！

李雪菱， 別再执著了。
说再多，想再多，也没用的。
你一定要振作起来。
你可以的。
別再钻牛角尖了。
即使再痛，再苦，也要承下去。
你可以的，加油！

You'll Be Alright

It's okay, SherLin.
Be strong.
You can do it.
Hang in there, you'll do just fine.
Things will be alright again.
Even if it's tough.
Even if you don't see a brighter day now.
Just hang in there.
You'll be alright.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Be strong.
:)

我知道, 是矛盾。。。

对不起。

我知道我很固执。

我真的没办法放下。

还以为我可以很坚强的面对。我始终不够坚强。

我不是没有试过。或许我不够努力。

原来你对我来说真的很重要。可以说是超过我想象的重要。也可以说是无法取代的。

我很无奈。

很想知道我现在的感受到底是什么。

是觉悟吗？是遗憾吗？是愧疚吗？

我的心很乱。很不舒服。很矛盾。

知道我累了。也知道你累了。但还舍不得放弃。

承认了是不合。承认了是痛苦。但还没办法解脱。

很想知道，你放弃了吗？你放下了吗？你最近过的还好吗？你开心吗？

今天，看了医生，回家休息，多希望你有在我身边。真的好想念你。觉得心很痛，心里很难受。

你很坚强，你也很清楚自己要的是什么。多希望我也可以拥有一样的斗志。

Music As Brain Food

There are just certain songs that spurs certain memories, certain thoughts, certain emotions.

As I listen to this, I thought of how, in these years, I've always been revolving around you.
And how I should now start learning, to not love for the sake of loving, to let go, to live my life, revolving away and apart from you.




你的姿態 你的青睞 我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛 你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到酸了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

風箏有風 海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以離開
所以不再為愛而愛
自己存在 在你之外

... that I'm not strong enough

I had the most depressing day today.

So depressing that I... actually couldn't hold my tears in the monorail on my way back from work today.

It's odd. And ironic.
I had so much ego in me to much less show any PDA, public display of affection in the public all through the years.
And yet, today, I had to endure not being able to hold back my tears in the public transport.

Do you believe in the domino's effect?
That when one bad thing happens, then the pursuit of all bad things follow?
I had a terrible time at work today. The worst in history, by far. And whatever followed, just made it worse.

I didn't want to be negative. Honestly. In fact, I've been handling perfectly okay these days.
I didn't allow myself choices to revisit any of the memory lanes. Let alone feel sorry for myself.

But do you know what's worse?
Just when I thought, I'm doing better, I realised I'm not.
That when I'm on the verge of breaking down, you had to come into my mind.
And I felt defeated.
Defeated to a point where I feel I'm hopeless without you.
And I felt bad, that I'm not strong enough.

Quick Read - Ratatouille for 2010

My left hand's shaking. Like tremoring, non-stop, involuntarily. =.="

Like parkinson's. (*Touch lots of wood*) :(

I wonder why. Could it be too much spring cleaning?

I can't hold my nail clippers properly. Darn.

And as I type now, it's still tre-trrre-morr-rriiinnggg. Haiyo.

I had a quick read today on Lilian Too's feng shui predictions of 2010 Year of the Tiger on my zodiac ratatouille in particular.

I think this has to be specially dedicated to the both of you, BC & Sean. (don't know if you're reading.. haha)
Found out that Wood Rats (26 years old) coupled together, would specially have eyes for each other, and would be spreading positive energy to not only each other, but also to the people around them like friends and family.
I like this! ;-)
Maybe I should go get myself the book to read further.

Spring Cleaning

Sher Lin is doing some spring cleaning to her room and to her heart today.

She's hoping she can sort out old and new stuffs apart, pack, and organize them accordingly.

Like the old clothes hanging in the wardrobe that she has never mustered enough courage to part ways with.

Or like that emptied favourite perfume bottle that she never garnered enough logical senses over sentimental values to throw away.

Or like that lovely photo frame which has age-old vivid yet obscure and foggy photo appearance which she never gathered enough justification to replace with.

She's hoping today she'll do just that.

Lonesome Friday

Never knew I was capable of feeling this afraid of loneliness before.

Counting down Fridays and looking forward to weekends have always been my key strengths.
And now having weekends all to myself feels dreadful.
How ironic.

I feel like doing this....

.........................

.................

.........

Yea... dipping my head into icy cold water. In an effort to feel better.

Settling For Less

Tell me if I've been too dismissive.

With every more outings, conversations, talks, I'm increasingly reassured and convinced, that this is harder than I think.

Why has it have to be so hard to find someone whom I can say something to, and not strugglingly explain more, just to desperately have someone understand exactly what I wanted to say, to desperately get my message across?
Have I always been that bad in communication? What was it? The language barrier? The channel breakdown? The different brain wave signals? What?

Is it really going to be this hard? Replacing this role of yours?
Can I settle for less? Should I?

So worn out in faith that I feel I'm stripped off the ability to discover the small little everyday pleasures and delights.

It really does feel like I'm running on auto pilot, day after day.

It must be stress and hormone playing tricks on me. I hope it is. It has got to be.

If what they say is true that time does heal everything, why can't it be any sooner?

Don't you just feel amazed of how you were when you were younger?
As a kid, you ran faster than you should and fell all the time.
But how often do you really remember the pain of falling down? Rarely.
You just cry over it, learn your lessons, stand up, and got over it.
As a kid you do that, all the time.
Why can't I now?

Grr...

Grr...

I so wanted to pen (I mean type) something down.
But it's as if I'm searching through empty spaces within a mind map.

I wanted to tell you a story. Of my story.
But I think it'd be so damn long, narrow and winding, you'd rather watch the 100-episodes serial of taiwanese hokkien dramas instead.

So here I am, not knowing what to write... hmmph!

You know how people say when one door shuts, another opens... yea, cliches like that?
Or like, whatever shit that happens, they happen for a reason, and they are blessings in disguise?
I think I'm like jinx-ed or something, I dunno. I thought I found my blessings in disguise, and then they no longer become blessings. Something like that.
Ok, I shan't procrastinate. Bad for mental health, bad for soul.
Must think like, if people can do it, I can too. This one two thumbs up for positivity.
Like dunno wat inspirational (delusional) power brain talk like that.

Ok lah, dun wanna blog dy.

Yea, I know. It's a stupid post.
Grr...

刘俗仪 (Suki) - 鸵鸟

Of a rising local star. I like this song.

Re-defining Definitions

At some point of time, I felt like I was living life out of a drama series.
For the longest time, I thought I was playing the lead actress. I was.
Only apart from the usual drama story plots, this one had no happy ending. It was not a fairy tale.
Commercial media doesn't teach you much, on how things are like when there are no happy endings.
They teach you how to love, and they teach you how to stay hopeful.
But what they don't teach, is how you stay strong when your hopes fall apart.
There are bound to be times, when you feel, if anyone else could do it, so could you.
There are also bound to be times, when you feel, out of place, away from the outside world.
I finally come to understand, why was it that in dramas, a person can go to great lengths when the person they care about fail to return their love.
Why was it that they could do all evil, just to keep a person close by.
I used to think it was all exaggerated.
Now I know. It was simply because that person was all their hopes. Those story plots were real, the exaggeration of it was real. It is indeed very painful when you lose your hopes.
I thought that when I gave all to make something work, it would.
I thought that when I don't give up, it would pay off.
I thought that when I did the best I could within my means, it would be appreciated.
I wanted to believe that everything happening in this world is just and fair.
Wasn't that supposed to be the law of nature?
The dramas don't teach you what happens when the law of nature doesn't work for you.
Little did I know, love rarely is just and fair.
I felt like I'm back to being a little girl. Seeing and learning the world from scratch.
Because I'd always thought I knew enough. But it turns out everything I ever knew and believed in did not really exist.
Perhaps, the underlying message in the dramas was, happy endings are defined by you.
The dramas define happy endings as all things karma-ed beautifully and accordingly.
That the lead actor and actress always do work out well.
But I should now learn, how to re-define my happy ending.
And maybe, just maybe, I should learn, that he's not my lead actor.

不应该

我不应该害怕被刺而选择不去欣赏一朵玫瑰花.

也不应该害怕黑暗的大空而选择不享受天上的星星.

我真的不应该害怕. 害怕受傷, 害怕失去, 害怕痛.

Back To Basics

I'm learning.
Everytime I caught myself thinking of you, of us, I switched my focus elsewhere.
I think it's slowly working.
I probably am starting to grow out of denial stage.
I learned to allow myself to smile, to laugh now.
It hits me off-handed sometimes, if I'll ever get over you, over this. And I get anxious. I get worried.
But I think I'm slowly learning now.
Slowly applying the philosophical theories.
Learning that the right relationship should bring out the best in us. And not miserably.
My heart still cringes at the thought & possibility that you'll find someone new, that could do just that. Bringing out the best in you. The thought that you'll be happy not being with me, is still painful. But I try pushing this thought aside, knowing I'm just going to be biting off too much than I could chew on.
I dare not say if I could draw a very clear line against the do's and the dont's, the should's and the shouldnt's, in handling this.
But I think I'm slowly learning.
I think I'm slowly learning to let go.
I think I'm slowly getting used to this.
I think I'm going back to basics.

You..

You came. You conquered. And you left.

Except that you took away many things along with you.
Like,
My sanity.
My laughter.
My sense of judgment.
My comfort zone.
My objectiveness.
And,
My hopes.

SherLin's Yada

Am still in the office - waiting for my dinner appointment.
Am bored to bits. Not doing my work. Can't use any IM Tools. Can't FB.
I have so much to do. So little time. Yet, not in the right state of mind.
Something's very wrong with me.

Focus. Motivation. Inspiration.
Where are all of you, I need you. Please.

It's times like these I feel bad about not being responsible enough.
Adulthood, they say.

What does it feels like, really?
To feel like you're enjoying life, making the most out of each passing day, young at heart?
I can't remember when was the last time I enjoyed doing something. Just for fun.

Negativity. Still no inspiration.

I think I'm getting used to this mode of silence. Keeping mum. At least on the mouth, that is.

Long Due... Long Due....

Sher Lin wakes up. (as in, literally, the *brain wakes up*, not like wake up from sleep kinda waking up)
Sher Lin thinks to herself "What is there to cry for? No more unworthy tears"

The tables must turn this time around...
And I should have the upper hand...

A wise man told me "You set your own goals, and you stick with it. Why should you let anything ruin that for you? You don't have to escape from anything"

This will serve as my own reminder, for all times.

I should be happy celebrating over a burden released that is long due.

And I shall not be afraid, even if you try to shake me again.

Sher Lin tells herself she can be strong, and she'll be able to walk out of this, tall, in stride!

Life Size Pinocchio

I'm a liar.
I'm lying.
I'm a life size pinocchio.
When I say I don't hate you for what you do to me, I do. But it only hurts more when I say I do.
When I say I don't want to see you anymore, I do. But it only hurts more if I do.
When I say I hope you'll be happier without me for the better, I'm lying. I don't want you to be happy without me. But it only hurts more to say so.
At times it's just... painful. Painful to be strong.

*********************************************************************************

A Promise

I'm making a promise to myself today. : )
This will be the last heartbreak I'll ever get from him. Ever.
I'll move on and I'll move forward.
I'll keep believing there are better days tomorrow.
Promise.

Feeling Afraid

I feel... afraid.
I can't seem to get flashes of events out of my head.
My conscience is always split into two.
One, to close the chapter. Two, to not give up just yet.
I wish I'm stronger.
I kickstarted every morning with rude awakening from cold hard dreams, followed by lying awake on my bed trying to take in the reality, and then with lots of thoughts flooding my mind.
At times, I just feel the need to question, why did he give up on us. I know it's no longer a valid question. And it certainly did me no good by wanting answers.
I dread going out there to face my daily routines. I'm tempted to go back to how things were before it happened. I don't know how to detach.
I feel alone.

Goodbye, Love

Saying goodbye is always the hardest...

To someone who's been there, around, and deeply connected to me... drawing a fine yet definite line across is hard.

Things will never be the same, I know. Afterall, I've had you for a quarter of my lifetime.

There are so many things you've taught me, moulded me into, that makes me part of who I am today.

Despite the pain I'm going through, I know deep down, you've generously planted seeds of achievements and good memories in me. In the mind, and in the heart.

Although, it is almost impossible to say that we've been perfect together, I'm awfully grateful that the genuinity is undeniable.

The pain can be inevitable, but with that, I know I've loved for real. And so I'm hurting for real. I don't regret.

If this is unavoidable, then for the least of it, I'm glad that we're no longer hurting each other now.

陶喆 (David Tao Zi) - 你的歌

29th Sept 09

I'm feeling emotional and torn today.
I can't help but think of the past, the present, and the seemingly far future.
I wanted so much, to just cry, out loud. Like how babies do.
I'm stopping myself from asking the why's, and the if's.
It's hard knowing what to do, yet not being able to get there.
I foresee myself being happy again, but I want it now. It feels so far to reach.
I think of all the inter-relation. And I think of how I'm gonna cut them all off, clearly, violently, ruthlessly. I tried going the merciless way, but it only hurts more.
So much that it feels like the only thing that can cure, is to lose my memory, for now.

Fortunate

If there's one thing I feel positive about right now, it's how grateful I know I am in times like these.

To my parents who've seen me been through this countless times before, but yet knows it best when they welcome me home with warm open arms, I'm truly thankful.

To my sis who's like 5 years younger and suppose to be looking up to me as a role model, but yet seemingly responding to my ultimate depression, I'm truly thankful.

To my friends who've been standing by me, through all my many roller coaster rides emotionally throughout this relationship, for accompanying me at ridiculous hours, for almost literally repeating words of comfort, I'm truly thankful.

You all made me realise I'm not alone, that I belong. And that made me feel better. :)

What's Most Important

I finally learned that there is never, and never will be a good time to be going through a break up process.

It really didn't matter if you're 20 years old, 25 years old, or 30 years old.
It didn't matter if you've not gone through one before, or have gone through plenty before.
It didn't matter if you've prepared yourself as much to foresee the worst.
There still isn't a good time.

Things are always inter-related. Especially in a relationship. Where more than 1 person's inclusive. Yes, inclusive is the word, not exclusive. It's a connection between two people afterall. And it's only humane that pain is involved.

I really don't know how long it will take me, to stand tall and strud my walk again.
Don't know when I'll be able to have that confidence again, that motivation again, that completeness again. But for the least of it, in between all the falling tears, I know that now, what I do have, is an answer. And that's most important.

7am, 27th Sept '09

It's 7am. I hadn't had sleep the whole night.
My brain's tired. My heart's tired too.
I packed my stuff, all my stuff, and came back home at 6am, in the wee hours of the morning.
I couldn't stay there. No, not after what I've been through the entire endurance.
I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to pretend like I'm fine.
I've been numbing myself for so long now I know I have to accept that it will hurt. Lots. But it's still going to happen, regardless.
If there's anyone who's been mistreating me, it's myself. How could I have had kid myself for so long, and think that a miracle could save me.
I have to see this. I have to. Today onwards, I'm going to open my eyes, big, wide enough, to see, that this is what it is. It's not going to change. It's always going to be this way. And I don't have to accept it the way it is. Just because I think I should.

Drilling Thoughts

Apologise for being idly in the recent weeks on this space.
The only time you see me blog an entry, it would consists only of minimal words and of food pictures. I wish I had more time to spare for myself and for me to blog. Mind you, I still have plenty of food entries' photos to post on, they're all now sitting all over on different laptops & pen drives. Blame my unreliable hard disk. It's only more than a year old, and it so conveniently crashed on me. I plan to get myself a new one - wait... soon... (Please be patient with me while I try to organize and post these photos) =).

Work's been pretty frustrating lately. It's not the job... it's the people.
True enough that MNCs like these usually spend tons of money to get employee engagement right. A lot of the people dimension and aspects being focused on. But what are all those without the ppl themselves wanting to reflect themselves in the mirror, wanting to change? A true leader with good leadership qualities is someone who can manage different characters, they say. If that's so, I know I can't be a good leader. I don't change myself just to fit into a political circle. It shows on my face if I don't like someone, or when I'm angry. I don't excel in faking, or drama for that matter. It's not arrogance, it's being true to myself, and to the ppl around me. At least I don't become the best-est buddy in your whole world and go around poking your back like the most devilish enemy. At least, I don't pat your fur or worship you like you're never wrong, and then turn around and point my fingers at you. And that, is what I believe in. Being true to what I think, what I feel, and what I should do. And I think I have my personal rights to feel annoyed when I'm being annoyed. Why like have to pretend to be nice in such circumstances lah? Don't get it... Ppl just like harping on the most pettiest and minusculest issue. And does that get you anywhere better in work productivity and efficiency? No, not really. So what's the point? The point, apparently, to those ppl, is to waste some time, and at the same time create and enhance their visibility. See. How smart. Again, very political.

I wish everyday is a weekend. Or a public holiday.
At least even staying home boring-ly without nothing better to do is still far better than getting drowned in the political environment. It's just mind-exhausting.
I'm setting myself a target. I hope in time to come, my occupation reads : Self-employed. Business/working hours : Anytime I want/like.
Yea, I should buy more lotteries and visit Uncle Lim more.

Man In The Mirror - LeeHom's Version

See how he always have a way to make an existing song sounds nice in his own innovation? (Note the chink-ed out style incorporated in it).
I'm glad he's a supporter of Michael Jackson's music himself! (And I particularly like this song by MJ too).

Here's Man In The Mirror - LeeHom's version.

Must Love Restaurant, Kepong

I've been spending a lot of my weekends in Kepong recently.
And happily doing a lot of food-hunting around... Haha.
You'll get to see some of my 'hunting' outcome here on and off.

My 1st post on Kepong list of food to go for.

Behold...Must Love Restaurant (Yea... You must love it, honestly)

Their famous Bitter Gourd Vermicelli. Very nice... Even nicer for bittergourd lovers.

Just nice for me, not too bland, nor too bitter.

This is also another must-have. XO Loh Mee. Got a lot of seafood liu too!

Tried their Hot Plate Taufu too.

I'm not biased... but it's also one of the best hot-plate taufu dish I've tried in a very long time.

This is recommended by the lady who took our orders. Apparently it's a seasonal kinda dish and not in the menu (I didn't check). So we gave it a go. It's a combination of 3-meat-dish (there were chinese bullfrog - or what we know as tin kai, prawns, and calamari) cooked with assam sauce. Not too bad either... some new combination to try with. I like the sauce. :D

enter

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If you're salivating in front of your monitors, or hear your stomach growling now as you look at the pics, go on and try out this restaurant when you're in Kepong!

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Locate them at :

Address : No.16, Jalan Medan Putra 4, Medan Putra Business Center, Kepong, KL

Tel No : 012-384 4089

And guess what I just found out?

Found a link to a video by HoChak! recommending this restaurant too. Click here to watch!

Hard Disk Gone Liao...

My very kesian dissected PC.

(*Spot : no hard disk)

Sigh... It's official. I have to get myself a new hard disk. Another few hundreds to spend - all for a quite-brand-new-hard-disk-that-crashed. If only Uncle Lim donated some money to me over the weekend...

Post Merdeka Day

In the wee hours of 30th August, I conquered Broga Hill (yea la... I know... 'conquered' is not so much of a justifiable word in this case, if you compare with the likes of Mt KK or Mt Everest, so to speak).

But well... I woke up like 3.30am in the morning, had breakfast, and started our journey to Semenyih, and started our hike at like, 5+am! In the dark, okay. Without knowing what we were stepping on okay. (And ignoring the fact that it was the seventh month of chinese calendar, okay). Oh, Oh! And we so bercita-cita tinggi some more ... we didn't stop at the 1st peak... and no, not the 2nd peak neither, we went all the way to the 3rd peak okay! All that for the sake of watching a sunrise. So yeah... I super CONQUERED Broga Hill, okay! Convinced or not now? Haha. Let me show you some pics...

Time check : 6.22am - we were halfway up. I was err... already catching my breath. (Yea yea, laugh all you want). Haha.

enter

Time check : 7.17am. Unfortunately, this was as good as we could catch a glimpse of.

Cloud was pretty heavy that morning, signalling a heavy rainfall to follow.

We actually saw lightnings already on our way to Semenyih that morning, and we were quite lucky to have sensed the damp atmosphere, so we headed down to the foot of the hill just in time before the downpour started.

enter

You see those tiny spots of ppl standing on top of the big rock? That was where we were at the peak.

enter Bird's eye view from where we were, overlooking another peak of the hill.
Yeah.. It was a long weekend, there were more crowd that it usually attracts.
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A closer look of the crowd. Crowd was lessening already by then - strong winds and signs of drizzle.

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Headed downhill, went for breakfast (again). And......... went karaoke - with our muddy & sweaty attire (cheap mah, early morning, LOL).

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That night was Merdeka countdown celebration. Guess where I spent my merdeka eve at?

G-e-n-t-i-n-g. Yup. For fireworks - crowd was crazy. Very much crazier than the usual sardine-packed monorail on peak hours. No pictures to show (no space for hands to take photos also by the way). We're just so patriotic, aren't we?

In A Crowded State Of Mind

Self-explanatory.
I'm in a crowded state of mind.

There are 3 things I need to learn.

1. How to de-stress (something that does not involve spending too much money, whether in cash or credit a.k.a 'wonder card', ie. in the form of retail therapy).

2. How to do some soul-searching (without having to spend too much on travelling else where to find some peace at heart).

3. How to trust myself and my own judgments (There were many conflicts that revolve around my own values, my beliefs, my principals, and the likes of others. And many a times, I underweighed mine more than I should, and overweighed others' more than I should too).

What a tough, tough life. It must be tough hitting mid-life crisis. I would have a depression of some sort, I think. What's it like to be trouble-free, I wonder. Do monks and nuns really really feel peaceful, I wonder. When they say release the burden and find peace at heart and reach nirvana (correct ah?), are they doing that by running away from the real world problem, and live in a segmented world where it's imagined and assumed to be trouble-free, I wonder. Don't know lah... so confusing.

Gadget-Dependent Me

I think my home PC's hard disk crashed! :((
It's not officially certified 'dead' yet.. let's all just hope & pray for me that it's only throwing tantrum & misbehaving for a night, ok?

I had a lot of things throwing tantrum on me yesterday. Honestly. It's either, a totally wrong/bad day for me... or I'm just super jinx-ed with electronics.

All in all, it got me thinking about how youth like us are so heavily dependant on gadgets (in this so called tech-savvy-era).

Let me throw you a question.
If you lost all your contacts in your mobile phone, would you...
(a) feel insecure (eg. "Shit! How now? How to call my friends, I'll lose all my friends!")
(b) feel useless (eg. "How? How? I can't even remember my own house phone no.!")
(c) feel old (eg. "I can memorise all the numbers and dial them instantly on my finger tips during school days. Why can't I recall any now??!)

Don't kid yourself. If you answer any of the options above, face it. You're gadget-dependent too!

Last night, my phone blacked-out on me for 2 hours while I was out alone. That's 2 hours (only), but it felt like eternity. I never felt so handicapped in a very long time. To say that I have some loose change & some coins in my pocket to go to a public phone and dial, yet, I crammed my head trying to recall what was the number that I'd wanted to dial. Pathetic, I know. And I relied so much on my mobile that I was so used to checking time & calendars with it, checking my reminders of to-do list with it, to an extent of calculating discount prices while doing my shopping with it!

See how much I'm dependant on it? (I have got to learn to rely less of it! Starting from like... now!)

Mini Weekend Getaway

Guess where was I last weekend?

Deng deng deng....

Yup! I was in Ion Mall, the most-hyped-&-talked-about-new-mall-in-town. (Singapore's town, that is).

Nice architecture, eh? Pretty modern and contemporary at the same time. Clean curves.

Was in a rush, so didn't had much time to check out most of the stores. But one thing for sure, it was so bloody CROWDED! Even the food court looked like a can of packed sardines!

Head down if you're anywhere near Orchard. I'll get my dose of shopping spree there the next time round, perhaps. (As long as the currency's exchange rate don't continue to hike!)

Best-est Choco Bar

I have a confession to make.
I've been putting off writing a lot of blog entries lately!
Why?
It's the four-letter-word.
The culprit : B-U-S-Y + L-A-Z-Y.

Busy, because, I'm still pretty much in the transition of the role I'm in, though I would say in a way, it's pretty much BAU (Business As Usual) in an odd way. The only addition would be the increasing dramas I get to see day in, day out. LOL.

Lazy, because, well... just lazy lah. Like you need a reason to be lazy like that.

I really ought to blog more often. The thing is... SherLin's life hasn't been much of an asumement to blog about. (Darn!) So I have to now learn to glorify the very little things that I find (in any way at all) funnily entertaining... or amusing... or lame... or ridiculous... or priceless. Like this.

Went to get myself a Milo choco bar to snack today.

See anything funny in this picture? No? Let's take a closer look.

Exactly. You read right, alright.

A "Choco Bar" in English, is known as a "Coklat Batang" in Bahasa Melayu.

So how? Funny or not?

Creepy Interview

As if the fact that the soon-to-come chinese calendar's 7th month isn't creepy enough (you know, it's when the Gates of Hell open, and all the departed souls are released), I came across this....

... Yes, I know you should look stoned by now, but you read right. It reads 'Michael Jackson From The Grave'. And it talks about an interview with MJ himself after his death. (Don't ask me how true it is... but have a good read nevertheless...)

Click to read on.

Revisiting My MBTI

I'm pretty sure you've more or less heard of MBTI.

If you've not, then click here to know, and click here to test out for yourself!

(For all you know, you were probably hired during your interview based on your MBTI).

How crucial it is? I think a great leader of a team will probably put the results to good use!

I revisited my MBTI today. (Was advised to do so, you know, just in case I've changed over the years.... ).

As it turns out, I'm still the same 'ol me. I scored the same 'ol ISFJ.

So what exactly does it mean?

A few highlights to it :

• It is in my nature to assume responsibility.
• I'm a person somewhat reserved, after prolonged socializing, I feel the need to get away and be alone.
• I easily see the general principles behing specific occurences.
• I get bored if I have to read theoretical books.
• I tend to rely on experiences rather than on theoretical alternatives.
• I take pleasure in putting things in order.
• I usually place myself nearer to the side than in the center of the room.
• I'm strongly touched by the stories about peoples' troubles.
• I feel more comfortable sticking to conventional ways.
• I get pleasure from solitary walks.

Yea.. well.. confirmed lah. I am indeed a true introvert. For as long as I can remember, I was one, I still am one, and I think I'll continue to be one...

This Year, I'm Keeping It Simple

I know it's not here yet. But I'd like to claim my deserved wishes.
If I'd get 3 wishes, then I'd be noble. And I'd wish for all the goodness for everyone throughout the world. But if I'd get only 1 wish, then I'd be keeping it all for myself. Times are bad. You gotta be economical. You gotta make profit out of the slightest and tiniest investment. And to a certain extent, you gotta prioritise yourself, even if it means being selfish. Small little things. Even when it comes to small simple things like making birthday wishes.

People say as you get older, you tend to keep it simpler. I don't think I've ever really utilised my birthday wishes for all these recent years. (I hope I can still claim those - is it too late?).
This year, I want one thing and only one thing. That is, to be happy. I know I've only lived for as long as a quarter of a century. But I've lived long enough to know that being happy is not something you can buy with lots of money (not that I do), it's not something you can fake & hypnotized yourself with, nor is it something you can measure by counts in possessions.

So Genie & your trusted bottle, if you do exist, could you please grant me this wish??

Of A Productive Weekend

I've not had such a productive weekend for a long time.
My usual weekends usually consists of either :
a) staying home all day
b) travelling back to/from kuantan/kulai/kl
c) out all day - shopping malls (eat, movies, walk around, eat, go back)
Quite routined. Quite sien.

This weekend's a little different :
a) outing with bunch of colleagues in Genting - casino (got profit), starbucks (got surprise bday cake - yeah, really quite surprised & unpredicted also la, 'coz it was only err 1st of Aug? haha... Gracias amigos/amigas!)
b) treated both of us to Senjyu Sushi using profit gained from Genting... Thanks Uncle Lim. LOL.
c) (Erm.. wanted to add go hiking - but tak jadi coz I couldn't wake up, so I didn't make it.)
d) went for my first NBL basketball match! (so much nicer than watching matches on tv). So I'm thinking this won't be my last game... more to come? :D

* I'll put up photos in the next post.
psstt... Jordan - you're my genting photos supplier, I'll get those from you, and post up here (soon).
psstt 2... Dear bf - you're my NBL photos supplier, remember to copy for me, soon! Hehe.

Talk about productivity during weekends... come to think of it, it's a little ironic, isn't it?
You spend 5 days in a week to be productive at work, that the remaining 2 days of the week, you just want to spare and excuse yourself from being productive. Hence a lot of times, we, the "working adults" just stay lazy and be childish for the weekends. But I'd always thought adults mah.. sure more matured to be responsible at any time of the week, right? Now proven. No - adults want chances to be less responsible, more kiddy too. Haha.

Uncollective-Thoughts-Post

Yesss!!
I'm off early today! It feels like forever since I've 'seen' the sunlight when I leave office. (At times, I don't even get to see the moonlight).


[Yala.. I know, I can still see the sunlight from my office window.. duhh..]


For a moment just now, I actually sat blankly staring at the PC screen, thinking to myself, 'Hmm... What is there to do ah? Got nothing to do meh?'


Die lah....Is this what you call the workaholic syndrome?
Just please, don't tell me I've reached this stage. Stage of no work-life balance, where work is all that revolves around me, to a point of there's-nothing-I-could-think-of-doing-besides-work.


Scary! I don't want! It's so not SherLin to be that way... haha.


Anyway, rest assured, I finally figured out a way to fill my time with. Finally.
With what?
a) blogging (am doing just that right now!)
b) watching MJ's Live In Bucharest : The Dangerous Tour which I've just bought!


Speaking of which... I have a confession to make.
I've sinned. I've sinned because I used to be an MJ fan when I was younger...
And then mainstream entertainment media came in with news like, the speculations of multiple strange plastic surgeries he went through. Then came the alleged child molestation case. And then there was the blanket case. So much strange-ness that to a point, I gave up, and I couldn't be bothered. It was only recently with his sudden departure, that his life was re-highlighted to the world, that real clarifications came through, that he was suffering from lupus autoimmune disorder. I felt sorry that he was misunderstood along the way in any way he tried protecting himself.


That's so typical & peculiar of us human beings, ain't it? We're so easily influenced and get so carried away with the realistic world that surrounds our everyday-lives. And we tend to go passing out stereotyped judgments, and eventually fail to appreciate the goodness of something until it's gone. Then it's just too late.


So here it is, my personal tribute to MJ. Thank you for the music & dance you've brought to the world, for creating a legend of its kind. Rest in peace, and you'll be missed. A testament to how famous you are in the community?! We even name soya cincau after you!! I mean, for real. That's how famous you are. Everything's named after MJ. We even have roti MJ in mamak stalls! Really, no one can ever ever beat that popularity. Seriously. We'll remember you for a long long time to come! God bless!


Here's a clip I found.

No-Title-Post

It's been the busiest month, ever.

Have been exhausting my battery dry for weeks now!

No scoops of sweet macha ice cream, sounds of Wang Lee Hom, or even the ressurection of Michael Jackson (okay, this one may be a 'lil too dramatic) can power-gear me to an overwhelming state of mood, at this point of time.

I won't say I'm depressed (because I'm not, and because I know this is only temporary). But I'll say I'm so drained at committing hours of myself into work continuously. Committing hours of myself at my 2nd home - office (and I do think at the rate of how this is going, it's overtaking the status of my 1st home now). For if you think the common saying goes, 'Home is where the heart is'... For now, just associate me with 'Office is where the heart is'... Only that my heart is all over the place. Haha.

p/s : I finally understand what it's like to work for Un*le**r now. To spend 95% of your hours dedicated to work, and to allocate 5% remaining for yourself to sleep at home. (But at least their pay is justified, mine's not). Haha.

Okay. Enough drama to start my post with.

Anyway. The good news to that is.. I'm officially into my new role now.
Lots more busy days to come... But l'm keeping my fingers crossed to the ample rooms and opportunities to grow in.

With summer in US now.. Bet there'll be plenty great movies that line up the blockbuster openings. Watched Transformers, looking forward to Harry Potter, hoping to watch Ice Age...

In Terms of Melancholy

It's about time.

Time to write about something real. Something deep. Something sentimental. Something that exposes your heart out there to the wide, huge, transparent cyber world.

I have a few genuine questions to ask, and a few genuine thoughts to share.

In terms of custom-made compatibility...
Do you get yourself accustomed to a relationship pattern after a long time, synchronizing as you go along?
Or do you celebrate the differences that can either bring you & your partner closer or potentially draw you both apart?

In terms of taking things for granted...
Do you agree if I were to say, you have a higher tendency to take the closest & most beloved/precious person/things to you for granted. Thinking it has always been the way it is. Thinking it's always gonna be there, thinking it'll always stay the same, thinking it's because it's so much a part of you that you'd have plenty of time to cherish it later. People say it's great to be able to get comfortable. Yet the greater your comfort zone is, the higher the tendency to take things for granted.

In terms of staying true to yourself...
If you've been taught in life to believe in something, and then requested to tweak it as you go along, how much change buffer is of appropriate measures? Or do you continue staying true to what you believe in?

I have more to talk about...

In terms of wanting more...

In terms of how winning matters...

But I think my eyes are now half-closed and brain half-dead...
More next time.
End.