7am, 27th Sept '09

It's 7am. I hadn't had sleep the whole night.
My brain's tired. My heart's tired too.
I packed my stuff, all my stuff, and came back home at 6am, in the wee hours of the morning.
I couldn't stay there. No, not after what I've been through the entire endurance.
I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to pretend like I'm fine.
I've been numbing myself for so long now I know I have to accept that it will hurt. Lots. But it's still going to happen, regardless.
If there's anyone who's been mistreating me, it's myself. How could I have had kid myself for so long, and think that a miracle could save me.
I have to see this. I have to. Today onwards, I'm going to open my eyes, big, wide enough, to see, that this is what it is. It's not going to change. It's always going to be this way. And I don't have to accept it the way it is. Just because I think I should.