雪菱，加油！

李雪菱， 別再执著了。
说再多，想再多，也没用的。
你一定要振作起来。
你可以的。
別再钻牛角尖了。
即使再痛，再苦，也要承下去。
你可以的，加油！

You'll Be Alright

It's okay, SherLin.
Be strong.
You can do it.
Hang in there, you'll do just fine.
Things will be alright again.
Even if it's tough.
Even if you don't see a brighter day now.
Just hang in there.
You'll be alright.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
Be strong.
:)

我知道, 是矛盾。。。

对不起。

我知道我很固执。

我真的没办法放下。

还以为我可以很坚强的面对。我始终不够坚强。

我不是没有试过。或许我不够努力。

原来你对我来说真的很重要。可以说是超过我想象的重要。也可以说是无法取代的。

我很无奈。

很想知道我现在的感受到底是什么。

是觉悟吗？是遗憾吗？是愧疚吗？

我的心很乱。很不舒服。很矛盾。

知道我累了。也知道你累了。但还舍不得放弃。

承认了是不合。承认了是痛苦。但还没办法解脱。

很想知道，你放弃了吗？你放下了吗？你最近过的还好吗？你开心吗？

今天，看了医生，回家休息，多希望你有在我身边。真的好想念你。觉得心很痛，心里很难受。

你很坚强，你也很清楚自己要的是什么。多希望我也可以拥有一样的斗志。

Music As Brain Food

There are just certain songs that spurs certain memories, certain thoughts, certain emotions.

As I listen to this, I thought of how, in these years, I've always been revolving around you.
And how I should now start learning, to not love for the sake of loving, to let go, to live my life, revolving away and apart from you.




你的姿態 你的青睞 我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛 你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到酸了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

風箏有風 海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以離開
所以不再為愛而愛
自己存在 在你之外

... that I'm not strong enough

I had the most depressing day today.

So depressing that I... actually couldn't hold my tears in the monorail on my way back from work today.

It's odd. And ironic.
I had so much ego in me to much less show any PDA, public display of affection in the public all through the years.
And yet, today, I had to endure not being able to hold back my tears in the public transport.

Do you believe in the domino's effect?
That when one bad thing happens, then the pursuit of all bad things follow?
I had a terrible time at work today. The worst in history, by far. And whatever followed, just made it worse.

I didn't want to be negative. Honestly. In fact, I've been handling perfectly okay these days.
I didn't allow myself choices to revisit any of the memory lanes. Let alone feel sorry for myself.

But do you know what's worse?
Just when I thought, I'm doing better, I realised I'm not.
That when I'm on the verge of breaking down, you had to come into my mind.
And I felt defeated.
Defeated to a point where I feel I'm hopeless without you.
And I felt bad, that I'm not strong enough.

Quick Read - Ratatouille for 2010

My left hand's shaking. Like tremoring, non-stop, involuntarily. =.="

Like parkinson's. (*Touch lots of wood*) :(

I wonder why. Could it be too much spring cleaning?

I can't hold my nail clippers properly. Darn.

And as I type now, it's still tre-trrre-morr-rriiinnggg. Haiyo.

I had a quick read today on Lilian Too's feng shui predictions of 2010 Year of the Tiger on my zodiac ratatouille in particular.

I think this has to be specially dedicated to the both of you, BC & Sean. (don't know if you're reading.. haha)
Found out that Wood Rats (26 years old) coupled together, would specially have eyes for each other, and would be spreading positive energy to not only each other, but also to the people around them like friends and family.
I like this! ;-)
Maybe I should go get myself the book to read further.

Spring Cleaning

Sher Lin is doing some spring cleaning to her room and to her heart today.

She's hoping she can sort out old and new stuffs apart, pack, and organize them accordingly.

Like the old clothes hanging in the wardrobe that she has never mustered enough courage to part ways with.

Or like that emptied favourite perfume bottle that she never garnered enough logical senses over sentimental values to throw away.

Or like that lovely photo frame which has age-old vivid yet obscure and foggy photo appearance which she never gathered enough justification to replace with.

She's hoping today she'll do just that.

Lonesome Friday

Never knew I was capable of feeling this afraid of loneliness before.

Counting down Fridays and looking forward to weekends have always been my key strengths.
And now having weekends all to myself feels dreadful.
How ironic.

I feel like doing this....

.........................

.................

.........

Yea... dipping my head into icy cold water. In an effort to feel better.

Settling For Less

Tell me if I've been too dismissive.

With every more outings, conversations, talks, I'm increasingly reassured and convinced, that this is harder than I think.

Why has it have to be so hard to find someone whom I can say something to, and not strugglingly explain more, just to desperately have someone understand exactly what I wanted to say, to desperately get my message across?
Have I always been that bad in communication? What was it? The language barrier? The channel breakdown? The different brain wave signals? What?

Is it really going to be this hard? Replacing this role of yours?
Can I settle for less? Should I?

So worn out in faith that I feel I'm stripped off the ability to discover the small little everyday pleasures and delights.

It really does feel like I'm running on auto pilot, day after day.

It must be stress and hormone playing tricks on me. I hope it is. It has got to be.

If what they say is true that time does heal everything, why can't it be any sooner?

Don't you just feel amazed of how you were when you were younger?
As a kid, you ran faster than you should and fell all the time.
But how often do you really remember the pain of falling down? Rarely.
You just cry over it, learn your lessons, stand up, and got over it.
As a kid you do that, all the time.
Why can't I now?

Grr...

Grr...

I so wanted to pen (I mean type) something down.
But it's as if I'm searching through empty spaces within a mind map.

I wanted to tell you a story. Of my story.
But I think it'd be so damn long, narrow and winding, you'd rather watch the 100-episodes serial of taiwanese hokkien dramas instead.

So here I am, not knowing what to write... hmmph!

You know how people say when one door shuts, another opens... yea, cliches like that?
Or like, whatever shit that happens, they happen for a reason, and they are blessings in disguise?
I think I'm like jinx-ed or something, I dunno. I thought I found my blessings in disguise, and then they no longer become blessings. Something like that.
Ok, I shan't procrastinate. Bad for mental health, bad for soul.
Must think like, if people can do it, I can too. This one two thumbs up for positivity.
Like dunno wat inspirational (delusional) power brain talk like that.

Ok lah, dun wanna blog dy.

Yea, I know. It's a stupid post.
Grr...

刘俗仪 (Suki) - 鸵鸟

Of a rising local star. I like this song.

Re-defining Definitions

At some point of time, I felt like I was living life out of a drama series.
For the longest time, I thought I was playing the lead actress. I was.
Only apart from the usual drama story plots, this one had no happy ending. It was not a fairy tale.
Commercial media doesn't teach you much, on how things are like when there are no happy endings.
They teach you how to love, and they teach you how to stay hopeful.
But what they don't teach, is how you stay strong when your hopes fall apart.
There are bound to be times, when you feel, if anyone else could do it, so could you.
There are also bound to be times, when you feel, out of place, away from the outside world.
I finally come to understand, why was it that in dramas, a person can go to great lengths when the person they care about fail to return their love.
Why was it that they could do all evil, just to keep a person close by.
I used to think it was all exaggerated.
Now I know. It was simply because that person was all their hopes. Those story plots were real, the exaggeration of it was real. It is indeed very painful when you lose your hopes.
I thought that when I gave all to make something work, it would.
I thought that when I don't give up, it would pay off.
I thought that when I did the best I could within my means, it would be appreciated.
I wanted to believe that everything happening in this world is just and fair.
Wasn't that supposed to be the law of nature?
The dramas don't teach you what happens when the law of nature doesn't work for you.
Little did I know, love rarely is just and fair.
I felt like I'm back to being a little girl. Seeing and learning the world from scratch.
Because I'd always thought I knew enough. But it turns out everything I ever knew and believed in did not really exist.
Perhaps, the underlying message in the dramas was, happy endings are defined by you.
The dramas define happy endings as all things karma-ed beautifully and accordingly.
That the lead actor and actress always do work out well.
But I should now learn, how to re-define my happy ending.
And maybe, just maybe, I should learn, that he's not my lead actor.

不应该

我不应该害怕被刺而选择不去欣赏一朵玫瑰花.

也不应该害怕黑暗的大空而选择不享受天上的星星.

我真的不应该害怕. 害怕受傷, 害怕失去, 害怕痛.

Back To Basics

I'm learning.
Everytime I caught myself thinking of you, of us, I switched my focus elsewhere.
I think it's slowly working.
I probably am starting to grow out of denial stage.
I learned to allow myself to smile, to laugh now.
It hits me off-handed sometimes, if I'll ever get over you, over this. And I get anxious. I get worried.
But I think I'm slowly learning now.
Slowly applying the philosophical theories.
Learning that the right relationship should bring out the best in us. And not miserably.
My heart still cringes at the thought & possibility that you'll find someone new, that could do just that. Bringing out the best in you. The thought that you'll be happy not being with me, is still painful. But I try pushing this thought aside, knowing I'm just going to be biting off too much than I could chew on.
I dare not say if I could draw a very clear line against the do's and the dont's, the should's and the shouldnt's, in handling this.
But I think I'm slowly learning.
I think I'm slowly learning to let go.
I think I'm slowly getting used to this.
I think I'm going back to basics.

You..

You came. You conquered. And you left.

Except that you took away many things along with you.
Like,
My sanity.
My laughter.
My sense of judgment.
My comfort zone.
My objectiveness.
And,
My hopes.

SherLin's Yada

Am still in the office - waiting for my dinner appointment.
Am bored to bits. Not doing my work. Can't use any IM Tools. Can't FB.
I have so much to do. So little time. Yet, not in the right state of mind.
Something's very wrong with me.

Focus. Motivation. Inspiration.
Where are all of you, I need you. Please.

It's times like these I feel bad about not being responsible enough.
Adulthood, they say.

What does it feels like, really?
To feel like you're enjoying life, making the most out of each passing day, young at heart?
I can't remember when was the last time I enjoyed doing something. Just for fun.

Negativity. Still no inspiration.

I think I'm getting used to this mode of silence. Keeping mum. At least on the mouth, that is.

Long Due... Long Due....

Sher Lin wakes up. (as in, literally, the *brain wakes up*, not like wake up from sleep kinda waking up)
Sher Lin thinks to herself "What is there to cry for? No more unworthy tears"

The tables must turn this time around...
And I should have the upper hand...

A wise man told me "You set your own goals, and you stick with it. Why should you let anything ruin that for you? You don't have to escape from anything"

This will serve as my own reminder, for all times.

I should be happy celebrating over a burden released that is long due.

And I shall not be afraid, even if you try to shake me again.

Sher Lin tells herself she can be strong, and she'll be able to walk out of this, tall, in stride!

Life Size Pinocchio

I'm a liar.
I'm lying.
I'm a life size pinocchio.
When I say I don't hate you for what you do to me, I do. But it only hurts more when I say I do.
When I say I don't want to see you anymore, I do. But it only hurts more if I do.
When I say I hope you'll be happier without me for the better, I'm lying. I don't want you to be happy without me. But it only hurts more to say so.
At times it's just... painful. Painful to be strong.

*********************************************************************************

A Promise

I'm making a promise to myself today. : )
This will be the last heartbreak I'll ever get from him. Ever.
I'll move on and I'll move forward.
I'll keep believing there are better days tomorrow.
Promise.

Feeling Afraid

I feel... afraid.
I can't seem to get flashes of events out of my head.
My conscience is always split into two.
One, to close the chapter. Two, to not give up just yet.
I wish I'm stronger.
I kickstarted every morning with rude awakening from cold hard dreams, followed by lying awake on my bed trying to take in the reality, and then with lots of thoughts flooding my mind.
At times, I just feel the need to question, why did he give up on us. I know it's no longer a valid question. And it certainly did me no good by wanting answers.
I dread going out there to face my daily routines. I'm tempted to go back to how things were before it happened. I don't know how to detach.
I feel alone.