Staycation Day 3 & 4 : Further Re-discovery

This has got to be a joke.
I'd been having bad dreams consecutively for the weekend.
Last night's was a maze.
I was stuck. And lost. In a maze.
I couldn't find my way out. I was struggling. And I was afraid.
I think I actually hear voices of people I know, trying to help. But they were so out of reach. And I got more afraid.

Please tell me this is not some kind of phsychological chain reaction.

***

我实在没有我想象中那么的坚强。
最近每天都做恶梦，看到不想看到的画面。
我有点害怕。
当我不用恨，不用气，只用真心来面对我自己，我确没办法镇定下来，没办法用平常心来面对这一切。
不想想起他，不想想起任何过去的事，可是我依然做不到。
我觉得自己真的很辛苦。
有点想要放弃的感觉。
很想就这样认输，不想斗下去了。

***

你知道吗，对我来说，我并不需要在每年的十一月二十七日才祝福你快乐。
如果生日是哪来祝福你快乐的话，那对我来说每天都是你生日。
或许你根本不在乎，也不在意。
或许李雪菱在你心目中，已经被取代了。
我搞不懂，对你深深，单纯，天真，放不下的爱，是我上辈子欠你的吗？是这样吗？
为什么要搞到自己那么累？搞到自己那么狼狈？
为什么我非要做好人不可？为什么我不把所有的一切告诉大家，让自己好过一点？为什么要那么伟大？
为什么到了这个时候，我还要那么保护她，关心她？
我好像也开始讨厌我自己，应许对你的这份爱来亏待自己。
我心里都很难过，你知道吗？
感觉上，我一直都在原地，没力量望前走，也没可能向后退。
我也很痛苦，你知道吗？
我也快要崩溃，你都知道吗？

My Subconscious Mind

I was awaken by a bad dream this morning.

If dreams reflect the subconscious minds, then there's nothing more real about how I feel, than what I've dreamt of.

In the dream, I was thrown into a scenario, and forced to face, something I knew deep down I did not want to see coming in real life.
I was watching you from afar. On your wedding day. In that dream, it felt like it's only been a month or two since we've broken up. As fresh the wound as it is in real life. And you were getting married. In an instant, it was only my natural reaction that I didn't want you to catch a glimpse of me nearby. So I went into hiding. Behind some tall gates. I recognise where this place is. It's your house, back in Kulai. It's so much contrast, the mood of the celebration against the heartbeat of mine. Everything else was in red. The red celebrative ribbons decorated all over the house, on the cars, the symbols of double happiness, everything was celebrative. But it felt solemn to me. As I peeped through the gaps between the tall gates, I saw you kiss the bride. And then I recognise who the bride was. I've seen her somewhere before. In between the talks of participants of the celebration, I overheard that she was pregnant. There's some sort of satisfaction emitted from that smile of yours. And nothing cuts through my heart more than watching just that. And all of a sudden, my thoughts are interrupted when the bride's flowers were tossed and flung to the direction where I was hiding. And I so desperately hid away, just so that I'm not seen.

I'm a coward like that. In my dreams. And in real life.

The scenes switched quickly, from that to something worse.
This time, I'm having a close up view. Of you and her. Exchanging sweet talks and sweet gestures with each other. Happy faces. I recognise that blue bedsheet, that blue Ikea pillow we bought together, the same thick blue floral curtains your mum has hung for you, that same ray of sunlight shining through the windows. That same exact scene where I was when I was there. In real life. I remembered wanting to shut my eyes wishing badly I wasn't there, but it was as if I was forced to see and endure all these, right in front of me, there and then. I remembered wishing someone could've saved me out of there. I remembered starting to cry. I remembered pleading in my heart, "Stop. Please stop. I can't take this anymore. Please don't make me see this."

***

Love, if it's something I could've let go easily with hatred, it could've been the easiest way out.

You have no idea what amount of tears I've shed, for this love of mine. And the love for you.

How much pain, it would have brought me to realise, it should be a relief letting this love go.

How much courage, it would have taken me to say, I'm giving you up. For good.

Please stop, haunting me. Please allow me sounding sleeps. Please allow me sweet dreams.

I want to live. And I want a happy life.

It's Still Day 2

I haven't been behaving today.

I realise my efforts of staying strong through this do occasionally go to waste.
Every now and then, there's just glimpses of the past, making their way through to the present.
Am I... allowed, to stumble my way so oftenly, along the road to recovery?
There must be a reason why giving you up can be so difficult.
There must also be a reason, why is it that I'm exceptionally vulnerable when it comes to you.
It's not like I've never been through breakups before. It's not like I've never had failed relationships before. And it's not like, I've never had my heart broken before. And it's certainly not like, I've never been through worse than this before.
But there must be a reason, why the heart is particularly fragile, when it comes to you.
I guess I must be able to accept this fact, before I could really move on, on my own again.
Accept, that despite the anger and hatred I have within, that it obviously shows I do love you.
Accept, that I'm also angry at myself, for still loving you, after all you've done.
It could've been beautiful, if it worked out the right way, with mutual respect, with mutual understanding.
At the rate this is going, there is no way, things can be undone.
I think I really should start unwrapping the layers of protection I have had for the relationship.
I really want to learn to say goodbye, to close this chapter, for good.

放过我的过去，也放过我自己。

Staycation Day 2 : Mind Search

"No one knows your relationship better than you do".
It's really true what people say.

It's an irony.
It's only when I stopped thinking, that I got my answer.
It's only when I stopped talking, that the inner voice starts speaking.

I know that today marks an important event.
But it's no longer important as it should be.
If what you're wishing for are all the successes, I'd rather be wishing you a clear conscience and clarity of mind as you grow. Growing a year old should mark wisdom. And wisdom earns you respect. If wisdom is what you've achieved, then I would've shared my blessings with you. But the respect you've so successfully earned in years, is beginning to wear thin. So is my patience, it's wearing thin too. So is my generosity.

When I gaze into a mirror and see a reflection of myself, what I see is my true self, my true conscience. There never was any hidden agendas. I smile when I'm genuinely happy, and I cringe when I'm genuinely worried and doubtful, and my tears fall when I'm genuinely sad and disappointed. That's just me, my true self. My reflections don't lie.

But I'm curious. What do you see? Do you still know the reflection you're staring back at? How exactly does it feel, staring at a stranger - your own reflection, and not knowing who that person is anymore? Don't you miss the real reflection of yours?

Mind search aside.
Guess what? Got a call from my manager today saying that there's been an error on my leaves revision, so I'm supposed to have less leaves than what I was planned for! Looks like I have to do without the Xmas break. Darn.

Staycation Day 1

I've been doing a lot of doubles lately.
I don't know... probably going through some kinda movie trend phase or something.

This Is It : Michael Jackson x 2

2012 x 2

As if GSC hasn't got enough patrons to make money from. Had to contribute twice to the same movie somemore... Not complaining though. And I think I'm a good movie date. I don't provide you with spoilers if I've watched a movie before and re-watching it with you. Haha.
But you can probably read it from my face when some scenes you should be paying close attention to are coming. It does show. That's somehow a spoiler in a way. Haha.

Movies aside.
It's the start of my long leave today.
And it should also mark the first day of my soul-searching. I hope.
There's just questions and thoughts I hadn't been able to deal with enough courage.
I think it's time I tackle those now.

Funny lor...

Can I tell you something ridiculously funny?

You know, I'm on leave tomorrow. Like the most long-awaited leave ever.
And I can finally have a weekday - a week working day - that I could stay awake 'til late wee hours without worrying I'll be tired and fishing in the office tomorrow. I don't have to ring my alarm at 6:45am. I don't have to drag my butt off the bed with half eyes closed. Isn't that supposed to be the best weekday to look forward to, ever?

But you know what?

I.Have.To.Feel.God.Damn.Sleepy.Now.
Yes. NOW. It's only like 10:15pm!
I don't even go to sleep this early on my working days ok!

Sigh... wasted!

心中的黑白

是痴心，
也是知心。

是感觸，
也是感动。

是幸福，
也是心碎。

是深愛著，
也是深恨著。

是贴心的，
也是陌生的。

是快乐，
也是难过。

是希望，
也是失望。

是對的，
也是錯的，

是天使，
也是恶魔。

是你，你懂吗？

Doom's Day

See. If I'm one of those people in the 2012 movie characters, I'd be the one who'd be the first to die.

***Warning : Don't read further if you've not watched the movie and don't want to catch a spoiler here***

Anyway, I was saying, I'd be one of the first few people who die.
You remember that scene where California first went down? I'd be there - dead already.
Oh no wait, I think I'd probably be dead by the time the supermarket cracked apart and I would've fallen into that gap of hole in between the cracks. Yea, I'd be there - dead.
Definitely won't go as far as Yellowstone. Or Santa Monica. Let alone reach Tibet, or board any arks.
No survival skills watsoever. Zero. Nada.

But watching the movie did make me think. Okay, maybe not just think. But think A LOT.
If I were facing doom's day in front of me, counting down by a few hours (or minutes, or seconds), what was the only thing I wanted to do, or what was the only thing I would think of.
People say your life flashes against your mind before you die. And during those moments when money and all materials are of worthless values, you'd see what you've been neglecting in your life flashing against you. And that those are the moments that you'll finally realise the things you've been appreciating most in your life but not know it all the while.

Yea, I know, this movie's got great after-effects. See, I'm still thinking of how to spend my 3 years before doom's day come. Hmm...

Indiscreet Blabbering

I'm curious.
Is there a way to delete some certain episode of memories?
Like, a drug, a medicine, an injection, or something... aside from the usually dramatic get-into-car-accident-and-lose-memory way. I scared later instead of losing memory I get paralysed or something... Don't want lor...

And no, I'm not suicidal.

It's not the best of wishes one could possibly be asking for.
But I want it, so badly.

How could this one person extensively equip me with so much pain, hurt, and hatred?

I'm not the most generous person when it comes to love.
If love is so selfless, then I'd be here, with open arms, welcoming, accepting, and forgiving.
But no, I'd rather love myself. And I chose to hate.

Hate, because I was a fool.
Hate, because I was blind.
Hate, because I know, I could've walked away, but I chose otherwise and faithfully believed.
And I said I chose. Because it was my choice, no one had pointed a gun at me asking me to make that option. So I alone was responsible for the choice I made.

I know it's a heavy declaration.
I just need an outlet. And I ought to be true to my heart when I say this.

But I promise myself I'll not lose myself.
No, not this time, not for this.

It's Not Worth It

Again. Yet, another again.

What's wrong with you, Sher Lin?

As if the fact is not obvious and clear enough to you, that he's changed!
Damn it, he's changed. Just accept it already!

Time and time again you have to find out things that hurt your feelings, crush your esteem, destroy your faith.
Don't you just feel you're not loving yourself enough?

Enough already.
Stop feeling miserable for things that you can't change already.
Stay awake, open your eyes wide to see, this is what it is, and this is who he is.
Wake up! And forget. Fast.

Living In The Present

I admit, some memories are never meant to be forgotten.
I love a lot of things about my memories.
And I love a lot of things about us.

Even then, I should treat myself well. And I should now live in the present.

我想我明白了，爱与恨是可以一起存在的。

我真的不知道，以后的某一天，我会不会对你微笑与祝福。

可是我知道的，是一定要努力忘记，努力过一个人的生活。

就算思念也要赶快把自己的情绪忘掉。

惟有这样，才可以学会爱自己。

谎言

不要对别人说谎，也不要对自己说谎。

你如果不喜欢我，你就别对我好。
因为你对我好，我会变成很贪心，会想要更多。

你如果不珍惜我，你就别对我说你珍惜。
因为我会很难过，你不诚实，你不在乎。

你如果不爱我，你就直接对我说你不爱我，别说你不知道。
因为我的泪不在于心痛心疼你不爱了，而是在于你没对自己坦白，也没对我坦白。

可是如果最后你真的还是觉得无法不说谎，那你就把你的谎言埋起来，永远都别让我发觉，别让我看见，别让我知道。
因为無限的失望，真的让我好累，让我觉得剩下的回忆也不值得保留。

The Fundamentals

I never knew it can get this scary... finding out a person changed.
It's disturbing to know how someone close has drifted away, drifted apart.
It's even more disturbing to know, how someone close is becoming a stranger, evolving day by day, at every tick of the clock needle, into someone you no longer recognize anymore.
Never ending disappointments can be so exhausting.

Yes, every life's path is written differently, uniquely.
It's about time I give up trying to change the course of nature.
You're not the same man I once fell in love with anymore. You no longer are that man.

Someday, you'll know. And someday, you'll see, the value of things you're giving up today, to achieve tomorrow.

I know it's a subjective measurement of success. I know that the significance of values may not be as great as it sounds. It doesn't promise you wealth, it doesn't promise you a majestic life.

But I also know, at least my subjectiveness comprehends the values of life I'm brought up with.
And though it doesn't promise me achivement heights that are measureable by obvious materials, it can promise me peace of the heart, the mind, and the simplest yet fundamental greatness.

And that I know, is the ultimate happiness.

Miracle

It's the one thing I have to agree on.
That I needed a miracle.

Not a miracle to recover, because I will. I know I will.
And I'll do that with my own blood & sweat, with my own effort.
I don't need a miracle to save me. I know I'll weather this through.

The miracle, is to change what can't be unchanged.
To erase what can't be erased.

I know me. And I know now.
This is me, and this is it.

I'm confident enough to know that I've been truthful to my heart. To myself, and to the people I treasure & appreciate. And with this, I know I'll not live with regrets.
I'm also confident enough to know that I'll win this battle. Over time you'll see, and you'll know that love & its goodness did not abandon you. You did.

I'm really glad all this is over.
I'm really glad this burden can finally be lifted off my weighing shoulders.

Not That Definite, Afterall

Flipping through my old sms-es, through my old photos, recalling through my old memories...
I realised they all had one thing in common. And it's the word old.

I know I've been hanging onto a past. A past that everyone knows would not transform into the current present times.

It seems that everyone around me knew this logic by heart. Everyone except me.
I'm still living in this time capsule, where I lock and freeze time, not wanting to go backwards nor move forward.

I feel so much mixed emotions running through me. Anger, disappointment, vulnerable, exposed, unprotected, drained, jaded, and countless more...

But with that, I know for a fact I'm no longer in denial. That I'd come to terms with what's happening that I know wouldn't change. I know there isn't any escape route, and that the pain had to be dealt with. Cold hard truth. Brutally. No other way.

I know, that times have changed. Circumstances have changed. That we have changed.
I've slowly learned that, you and I, we're not that definite, afterall.

I Surrender

If only I could find the right words to describe how I feel.
I'd no idea how many times I'd typed and hit backspace, re-typed, re-hit backspace, in finding the right words to express.

It's true when people say that trust and faith that's built within a lifetime, can be banished within minutes. All it really takes, is endless disappointments.

You really shouldn't have had.

你真的不应该。

就算你有多累，就算你有多想要放弃，就算你有多不爱我，就算你有多不想记得六年以来曾陪过你的我，你都不应该说那一些话。

对于大家，也许是潇洒的一面。可是对于我，是一根刺。

我开始怀疑，也开始了解，你并没有那么的在乎，对吧？

我真的投降。

I surrender.

够了, 真的够了。

突然间觉得自己真的好累。

好想找个方向，找个扩大的空间透透气。

不想在挣扎了。

够了。真的够了。

No Superwoman

It must've been the numbness.

For some reasons today, I have a heavy inclination to feel, that enough is enough.

That I've heard enough, seen enough, and consciously thought enough.

I've been plaguing myself with questions after questions, analyses after analyses, explanations after explanations, reasons after reasons, judgments after judgments, advices after advices, comforts after comforts.

Enough.

真的够了。

It must be the exhaustion kicking in.

I wonder how many times can a person sustain the same kind of injuries over and over again.

I am no superwoman. This I'm sure.

I Guess A Scar Is A Scar

I felt as if my past came to visit me today.
Someone by the name of Annie appeared in my facebook today.
She's a Johorean. Tell me it's a coincidence. Because she looked so alike, so similar.
Annie, Anne, every bit of that name... is strong enough to shake me to a rude awakening.
I don't even know her. It's forceful and compelling like that, that she's a stranger to me, but definitely not a stranger to my memory.
And after 2 years of burying this past behind me, it had to be dug out, today. And of all times, at times like these. Why?
We were not enemies, we never were. We never even knew each other.
We were just two random simple people on different parts of the world that were out there, looking for love.
But why, do I feel so scarred with this memory..?
And they say time heals everything.
But I guess, what they don't say is, a scar is left a scar over time.

Reflections Through The Screen

This came in for me from a good friend today. She's just heard about my recent breakup, and texted in to see if I was okay. Upon a few exchanges of smses, she wrote,

"Babe, one thing I've learned, we can't give up on anything. Be it work or personal, task or turmoil; when we get tired - which you are allowed to, by the way, one takes rest & carry on the effort. Nothing in life is easy. Remember if it is, then it's not heartfelt. Easy come, easy go! 6 years is surely a wonderful, beautiful phase of your prime youth that you've shared with him. So often we look at the good things, and continue to grunt about the not-so-good things. But it's the trying times that I believe makes a bond stronger. When it comes to affairs of the heart, no one's words is a comfort, no advice heals, nothing makes it better... That's just the brutal truth. So babe, you shut all those external voice and listen to the still voice from your heart. Right now, you are hurting and the thought in your mind could bounce against the voice from your heart... So for now, allow yourself to the pain. Once you've passed that, through all serenity, that silent still voice from within will deafen all logic & rationale. You are not being negative, only you know how your bond was & still probably is... He must be in your shoes too. Give it some time & say a prayer everyday for clarity of thought. Follow your heart, and most importantly, believe in it!"

As I teared reading these reflections through my handphone screen, I took her words to heart. Because no one could qualify to know life better than she did, after all the hardships she's gone through, and still empowered herself with such strength and clarity in mind. I knew she was right to have seen these through me. I finally came to understand, in a very simple context, and in a very uncomplicated manner, that it's okay to be tired. It is not a weakness, nor a sin to be tired. Because no one has ever promised that life's gonna be easy.

I wanted to script this down, so that I'll always remember the wisdom behind these words.
And I hope too, in it, I'll find solace & strength.

来不及的周年

六年前的今天，我们的故事就这样的开始了。
眨眼就过的六年。

我还记得，那时候的单纯，让我们爱到简单。
虽然争吵，即使生气，也可以很勇敢的原谅，很勇敢的继续爱下去。
我们是什么时候开始这么任性，这么忍心伤害对方？
是因为累了吗？是因为不爱了吗？
是不够决心，所以放弃吗？
还是，我们最爱的依然是自己，所以不肯包容？

假如，这是注定要发生的结果，
如果，你的存在会慢慢的在我生活中消失，
要是有一天，我真的忘记我们曾经贴着心，
我一定要记住，我今天，这一刻，真心的，想对你说，我爱你。