I'm making a promise to myself today. : )
This will be the last heartbreak I'll ever get from him. Ever.
I'll move on and I'll move forward.
I'll keep believing there are better days tomorrow.
Promise.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Feeling Afraid
I feel... afraid.
I can't seem to get flashes of events out of my head.
My conscience is always split into two.
One, to close the chapter. Two, to not give up just yet.
I wish I'm stronger.
I kickstarted every morning with rude awakening from cold hard dreams, followed by lying awake on my bed trying to take in the reality, and then with lots of thoughts flooding my mind.
At times, I just feel the need to question, why did he give up on us. I know it's no longer a valid question. And it certainly did me no good by wanting answers.
I dread going out there to face my daily routines. I'm tempted to go back to how things were before it happened. I don't know how to detach.
I feel alone.
I can't seem to get flashes of events out of my head.
My conscience is always split into two.
One, to close the chapter. Two, to not give up just yet.
I wish I'm stronger.
I kickstarted every morning with rude awakening from cold hard dreams, followed by lying awake on my bed trying to take in the reality, and then with lots of thoughts flooding my mind.
At times, I just feel the need to question, why did he give up on us. I know it's no longer a valid question. And it certainly did me no good by wanting answers.
I dread going out there to face my daily routines. I'm tempted to go back to how things were before it happened. I don't know how to detach.
I feel alone.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Goodbye, Love
Saying goodbye is always the hardest...
To someone who's been there, around, and deeply connected to me... drawing a fine yet definite line across is hard.
Things will never be the same, I know. Afterall, I've had you for a quarter of my lifetime.
There are so many things you've taught me, moulded me into, that makes me part of who I am today.
Despite the pain I'm going through, I know deep down, you've generously planted seeds of achievements and good memories in me. In the mind, and in the heart.
Although, it is almost impossible to say that we've been perfect together, I'm awfully grateful that the genuinity is undeniable.
The pain can be inevitable, but with that, I know I've loved for real. And so I'm hurting for real. I don't regret.
If this is unavoidable, then for the least of it, I'm glad that we're no longer hurting each other now.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
29th Sept 09
I'm feeling emotional and torn today.
I can't help but think of the past, the present, and the seemingly far future.
I wanted so much, to just cry, out loud. Like how babies do.
I'm stopping myself from asking the why's, and the if's.
It's hard knowing what to do, yet not being able to get there.
I foresee myself being happy again, but I want it now. It feels so far to reach.
I think of all the inter-relation. And I think of how I'm gonna cut them all off, clearly, violently, ruthlessly. I tried going the merciless way, but it only hurts more.
So much that it feels like the only thing that can cure, is to lose my memory, for now.
I can't help but think of the past, the present, and the seemingly far future.
I wanted so much, to just cry, out loud. Like how babies do.
I'm stopping myself from asking the why's, and the if's.
It's hard knowing what to do, yet not being able to get there.
I foresee myself being happy again, but I want it now. It feels so far to reach.
I think of all the inter-relation. And I think of how I'm gonna cut them all off, clearly, violently, ruthlessly. I tried going the merciless way, but it only hurts more.
So much that it feels like the only thing that can cure, is to lose my memory, for now.
Fortunate
If there's one thing I feel positive about right now, it's how grateful I know I am in times like these.
To my parents who've seen me been through this countless times before, but yet knows it best when they welcome me home with warm open arms, I'm truly thankful.
To my sis who's like 5 years younger and suppose to be looking up to me as a role model, but yet seemingly responding to my ultimate depression, I'm truly thankful.
To my friends who've been standing by me, through all my many roller coaster rides emotionally throughout this relationship, for accompanying me at ridiculous hours, for almost literally repeating words of comfort, I'm truly thankful.
You all made me realise I'm not alone, that I belong. And that made me feel better. :)
To my parents who've seen me been through this countless times before, but yet knows it best when they welcome me home with warm open arms, I'm truly thankful.
To my sis who's like 5 years younger and suppose to be looking up to me as a role model, but yet seemingly responding to my ultimate depression, I'm truly thankful.
To my friends who've been standing by me, through all my many roller coaster rides emotionally throughout this relationship, for accompanying me at ridiculous hours, for almost literally repeating words of comfort, I'm truly thankful.
You all made me realise I'm not alone, that I belong. And that made me feel better. :)
Monday, September 28, 2009
What's Most Important
I finally learned that there is never, and never will be a good time to be going through a break up process.
It really didn't matter if you're 20 years old, 25 years old, or 30 years old.
It didn't matter if you've not gone through one before, or have gone through plenty before.
It didn't matter if you've prepared yourself as much to foresee the worst.
There still isn't a good time.
Things are always inter-related. Especially in a relationship. Where more than 1 person's inclusive. Yes, inclusive is the word, not exclusive. It's a connection between two people afterall. And it's only humane that pain is involved.
I really don't know how long it will take me, to stand tall and strud my walk again.
Don't know when I'll be able to have that confidence again, that motivation again, that completeness again. But for the least of it, in between all the falling tears, I know that now, what I do have, is an answer. And that's most important.
It really didn't matter if you're 20 years old, 25 years old, or 30 years old.
It didn't matter if you've not gone through one before, or have gone through plenty before.
It didn't matter if you've prepared yourself as much to foresee the worst.
There still isn't a good time.
Things are always inter-related. Especially in a relationship. Where more than 1 person's inclusive. Yes, inclusive is the word, not exclusive. It's a connection between two people afterall. And it's only humane that pain is involved.
I really don't know how long it will take me, to stand tall and strud my walk again.
Don't know when I'll be able to have that confidence again, that motivation again, that completeness again. But for the least of it, in between all the falling tears, I know that now, what I do have, is an answer. And that's most important.
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