我开始害怕

我真的好害怕。

如果我真的放不下你，我该这么办？

如果几年后，我还是一样的那么爱着你，我又该这么办？

我好害怕面对。面对陌生的未来，面对没有你在我身旁的将来。

我说过我会努力。可是我真的可以吗？

It's The Final Curtain Call

You know what's funny?
That it feels like I'm breaking up all over again.
Only this time, on a clearer note, and in a somewhat matured way. The right way of putting this is, matured, at least, in our terms.

Last night marks a two-way communication, something which we've lost so long ago. So long that I wish I could turn back time to make things right again where it had gone wrong.
I'm feeling such heavy mood today, I guess it's only ascertained by the fact that I know, this is an official cue for us to now part ways. I've wondered why I'd never wanted to take this conversation to the next level. I guess deep down I didn't want to see this day coming.

Just earlier yesterday, a good friend of mine told me, "That's your problem, you're digging your own grave, and now you're plunging deeper and deeper into your own grave. You're supposed to emerge stronger, living better, looking at a positive and brighter side of things, but you're only getting more and more dejected. You're letting me down." He was right, I knew.

You know what's the worse part of all?
It's how I've not realised, and I've taken for granted, how much all these are affecting our mutual friends and draining their energy away. I've failed to foresee how we're putting them into very difficult positions in between us. And it's now my call, to take a step ahead for not making things worse.

Sigh...
God, please guide me through the right way, and make me a stronger person.
Please give me strength, and courage, to endure everyday as I go.
Please help me be a better person to weather the storm everyday.

今天的战斗

我很讨厌我自己这样。

飘飘荡荡的。

我真是搞不懂你爱人的方式。

关于你，我实在不能够很彻底的放下。

为什么？

即使有的是勇气，理智，疲惫的心，我竟然还是没办法。

我很想知道上天到底安排了什么样的计划，什么样的缘分，什么样的命运。

我好好奇，也很害怕。

我真的能够顺利通过这次考验，渡过这次难关马？

我真的可以吗？

Entagled

Last four months have been one of the most complicating and difficult phases I've ever been through. Not counting the months that will continue to be. The thought of discovering myself, and then found that I was actually lost, and re-discovering myself, and getting lost again, then found myself again, and... well, you get the picture.

Sometimes you've been using the same approach to handle the same issues for years. Somehow that would be the very same indication that it's time you start using a totally different approach to tackle it thereafter.

It's been a while... yet the wound's as fresh as if it was only yesterday. I constantly tried not to go there. To relive that same misery that was months ago. And everyday is an effort of relinquishing the fort that still holds parcels and pieces of treasured importance entwined between two lives. The very same two lives who, in the course of nature, drifts apart. Such prominence, such synergy.

I hope in a few months down the road, I'd be able to tell, what is, and what's not. And have a clearer answer to myself.

WTF

I'm so damn pissed and sick of KL's public transport system.

Like how many times it has to breakdown in a month?!

2, maybe 3. At least.

That's like bloody 24 to 36 times of breaking down in a year on average!

Isn't there supposed to be enough justification to get proper maintenance done already?

And for god's sake, it has to always decide to breakdown at the wrongest time.

Like this month to speak, the two times that it broke down happened to be,

a) When it's peak hours in the morning where everyone needs to commute to work.

And I'm supposed to be attending training. No prizes for who guessed it right, I was late!

b) When I'm drop-dead tired, almost on the verge of falling sick, late at night!

Aren't all these things supposed to be convenient and safe for the people to ride on?

What are we people supposed to do?!

We're only left with two choices. It's either,

a) We drive a car to get around KL, and we get stuck in unnecessary jams until we go crazy and pull all our hair out, until we go botak.

b) We take the trains, and expect it to breakdown every now and then as they please to. And then we're late for whatever meetings, appointments, whatsoever.

Either way, we're just screwed!

If I'm in an emergency and dying, and needed to rely on their efficiency to save my life, I'd rather die sooner in peace, rather than torture myself on my way to the hospital. That's if I ever reach there in time before I die.

Bengang giler!!

Soul Mates

Do you believe, in soul mates?

Not the kind who completes your sentence, or shares exactly the same common interests with you.

But the kind whom, for some reasons, at the wrongest time ever, with the wrongest combination of all, finds yourself destined with.

Share your thoughts with me if you have.

Tell me how it feels like.

Tell me if it's like what the love novels, stories, dramas and movies tell you.

Tell me if it feels real.

Tell me if it makes sense.

Tell me is it really true, that you just know it when you've found one?

And tell me, if you both end up spending the rest of your lifetime together.

I'm open for stories to listen to. : )

This Is Not Getting Anywhere...

I'm not proud of what I've become.

Not proud of the hatred that's eventually growing inside of me.

I felt unjustified. I don't like being hurt this way. I don't like being ridiculed this way.

All these things I'm hearing, all these things I'm seeing, all these things I'm knowing...

Everything you're doing is like an insult to the trust I've had towards you. An insult towards me.

I see myself turning into this hopeless person who don't believe at all, in fantasies, in fairy tales, in happily ever afters... yet, still, I find it so hard to stop the process of becoming one such stereotyped person.

I've lost my faith. Altogether.

I'm turning myself into a failure. A major one.

I've stopped asking why for a long time now. But I want to ask now, why?

Why, of all people that's in your life, why choose me ultimately, to disappoint?

Can't you see? I'm just a normal gal. I'm no stronger than any other gals you know. In fact I'm the weakest when it comes to you.

Don't I, deserve some peace of mind and some peace of heart?